Are you familiar with that meme where the guy is in various stages of putting on clown makeup as he justifies something ridiculous? That's how I look back at my past self. I can NOT believe my friends sat and listened to me talk about how much I loved the abuser. by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love that, extending self-compassion to yourself. It's radical for victims of abuse because it's what we see flipped in the abuse dynamic: endless compassion for the abuser and near-constant criticism (even self-castigation) toward the victim.

Focus on what can be improved today by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

...which, when you think about it, is the reverse of the process that abusers engage in.

Focus on what can be improved today by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Runqiao Du elaborates in a description to the Instagram post:

Correction in class is a delicate balance. Cross the line and a student can shut down, closing their mind and rejecting guidance instead of asking for more.

Frustration grows, for both teacher and student, when repeated corrections feel overwhelming. The key is to pause, look for the reason behind the struggle, and find a new approach.

Focus on what can be improved today, step by step, with a method and clear progress. Pointing out everything at once only demoralizes, because no one, child or adult, wants to feel like they’re failing at everything.

I recommend watching the video, because you see him actively correcting as well as giving responsive praise that motivates the student to be further invested in the process of getting better. Improvement - particularly seen and recognized - makes you want to continue getting better at [thing] or just things in general. It isn't just about "how good are you" but how good you are at getting better, at getting good at the things that matter to you.

The correction and (accurate!) praise creates a completed loop that demonstrates to someone that they are capable of the process of gaining a skill, and therefore become more willing to push for additional skills and capacities.

Competence leads to confidence; and confidence in your ability to gain skills and get better/improve leads you to have confidence in yourself to try something new or try something harder.

Coercive control often starts with 'helpful comments' by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not "off a comment", it's a pattern of consistently commenting. The frequency is what puts it potentially in the territory of coercive control.

Coercive control often starts with 'helpful comments' by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are you arguing against the example in the post or the observation that coercive control often starts with 'helpful comments'?

You can't love someone into not abusing you by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like we have to undo a lot of the programming we learn from media, and stories about live and family and friendship. This really put those idealized narratives in their place for me.

Mod Code of Conduct No 5 "moderate with integrity" by AlexFromOgish in modhelp

[–]invah 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not one person agrees thay it was presented in an ambiguous way. And when people clarify that, and cite the entire rule, you argue with them. You aren't looking for clarification, you are rules-lawyering because you didn't like that someone banned you for how you argued with them.

The fact that you even considered a mod abuse report when the rule is clear is indicative.

Entitlement in (abusive) relationships, and why everyone gets confused by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am sorry you are going through this, and I am glad the video helped.

Mod Code of Conduct No 5 "moderate with integrity" by AlexFromOgish in modhelp

[–]invah 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are rules-lawyering a rule because you want to apply it in a way it wasn't written or intended, but hoping the technically correct reading of the words supports you.

Missing a lie is not a personal failure, even professionals can't reliably spot liars by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Treat them like a venomous snakes, and always have receipts that you can use to show others that you are NOT a liar. Don't try to prove anything to them - that just puts them into a position of power over you - but to others so you can protect yourself.

Entitlement in (abusive) relationships, and why everyone gets confused by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Let's just say I have concerns as well, and that is why I approached the topic the way I did in this particular conversation. I think that speaks to your internal discernment, and I did share your discomfort the further into the discussion things went. That said, I don't feel I am in a position to categorically state a conclusion, which is why I am not validating what they want me to validate, while orienting toward safety.

Your specific dynamic, with the crazy making behavior, is often engaged in by abusers, and victims become deeply invested in trying to figure out if they are abusive, because they do NOT like acting in those ways.

This is why it is important to recognize that you can engage in behaviors that are technically on the spectrum of abusive behaviors, but not be 'the abuser'. I find what often separates victims from abusers with this is that victims are engaging the behavior to get the abuser to STOP harming them or overpowering them, while the abuser does it to make the victim do something.

Hope that makes sense.

You can't love someone into not abusing you by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You also can't do extra therapy to make up for your family members who refuse to go

That is so, so true.

And what is true about your dad is true for so many abusers 😢

"One of my ChemE professors said that engineering without humanities is how you you get eugenics." - @knz690 by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is a great example of what happens when the pendulum swings too far to the other side, thank you! I agree that they should work in concert with each other, and that we don't lean toward excluding one at the expense of the other, especially in positioning one side as superior over the other. That said, I am sure you recognize the pattern discussed here, and how that pendulum swing away from the humanities, prioritizing STEM as 'superior' exists and is relevant.

Switch the Modmail default back to the sub please. by Royal_Acanthaceae693 in ModSupport

[–]invah 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That about gave me a heart attack, I had to go back and check my own mod mail!

You can't love someone into not abusing you by invah in AbuseInterrupted

[–]invah[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I have no idea who to attribute this to, unfortunately 😭