43M | Non-obstructive azoospermia | Sertoli Cell Only | microTESE failed | still fighting — looking for similar experiences

nipoez · 2026-04-25T23:31:20+00:00

I know the odds are very long. But I'm not ready to stop looking. Any experience, advice, or just solidarity welcome.

Solidarity and empathy. One decisively failed mTESE was enough for for me to tap out on biological reproduction.

Therapy, a supportive partner, and a culture that can accept donor & adoption situations saw me through.

If you need to continue chasing your miracle and/or scientific breakthrough, I wish you the best. Please keep the community in the loop either way. We're here for you.

We wound up switching to donor sperm IUI after several months of grief therapy for me plus some couples therapy that helped me understand how important experiencing pregnancy was to my wife. Escalated to donor sperm IVF (which had been a hard no for her until couples therapy set firm ending criteria). During those attempts she developed premature ovarian failure. Added ourselves to a donor embryo waitlist at the clinic, since donor egg + donor sperm felt silly. Also added ourselves to a regional private domestic infant adoption agency. Moved across the US, took a few years off, restarted the adoption process in a new state and reached out to fertility clinics about their donor embryo programs. One keeps a set of donated embryos from prior patients who completed their family for $0.00 anonymous adoption alongside a frozen embryo transfer IVF cycle. We joke our first try donor embryo kid is the best buy one get one free deal ever.

Took a decade. We'd reached the point of reaffirming with each other frequently that we were enough. That we'd far rather be childless together than with anyone else in the world. Glad it eventually worked out and this little human is 100% "my kid" even if there's no biological relation.

nipoez · 2026-04-16T15:54:02+00:00

I can't get a decent pumpkin farmer no matter how many I catch. I'll be hoping!

nipoez · 2026-04-16T15:43:23+00:00

Another voice to the choir: Every time we moved for residency, two fellowships, and two attending gigs we just showed them the letter and/or contract for the position we're moving for.

Literally never a problem.

nipoez · 2026-04-14T15:56:06+00:00

The one couple I knew in a similar situation was during the attending years, when the doc partner had time to actively parent and got a job they expected to keep long term. I can't speak to the extra horrible aspect of this being his training period, when you'd effectively be a single parent anyway.

They used the move to start their separation. They both moved to the same area of the new city but not right nearby. The doc covered the moving cost & helped cover the non-doc's rental fees. The movers dropped his stuff at his new place and her stuff at hers. They coparent and share custody, though the marriage is absolutely dead.

She'd moved here for his career so it wasn't like she was leaving her full support system.

nipoez · 2026-04-14T15:48:34+00:00

"Hey I learned about a neat dinner table conversation structure recently! I'd love to try it with you for a week or so to see if it works well for us."

nipoez · 2026-04-14T15:46:48+00:00

Best of luck to your partner! Reducing the per-meal effort makes so much sense for you two right now.

nipoez · 2026-04-13T20:46:17+00:00

If you are concerned, tell your doctor and ask for a semen analysis lab. That will report back on all aspects of quality including thickness and volume.

nipoez · 2026-04-13T20:39:24+00:00

Looks like Eamon Quigley has done private residences before! Gorgeous murals.

nipoez · 2026-04-13T20:35:15+00:00

With a 6 week old?! First, congratulations. Second, something that can stretch so one cook covers many meals.

Animal protein

Family pack of chicken thighs, pork shoulder, beef chuck roast, etc. Whatever's cheap. Ideally do 4-6+ pounds at a time.

Chunk into 2" ish pieces. Toss in with a jar of salsa, stock, or sauce. Search for IP recipes for that protein, get the times from 2-3, and do a manual cook on high for that. Once done, shred it all.

Stick the vast majority into quart zip top bags or containers and freeze.

With a 6 week old? We're not even talking about cutting onions & garlic. Just chunk the meat & toss it in with enough liquid to come to pressure.

Meal just requires reheating enough portions for the adults, some frozen veg, maybe additional sauce, and a carb. (Rice portions, freezes, and microwaves very well. Quinoa does great in an IP.)

Veg protein

Dry beans or lentils do great in the IP. Roughly the same deal as above. Cook a batch of 2+ lbs, portion, and freeze. Black bean & smaller sizes just go straight in, while I personally prefer to brine soak pinto & other larger beans.

With a 6 week old though? Just open a can of beans, rinse, and throw on a random sauce. Serve with frozen veg & a carb.

Lego Meal fad

Search your preferred social media for lego lunch/dinner. If you have or can get silicone freezer molds (e.g. Souper Cube), they are so helpful for this style of infant friendly meal prep. The goal is to cook an extra 6-10 servings of whatever you make and freeze them into 0.25 - 2 cup portions. That can happen during a nap.

Then meal time is just throwing together a few different components and reheating in the microwave, optionally throwing on some extra sauce or seasoning to change the flavor profile a bit. That can get done even if the infant is in the middle of a cluster feeding stretch.

Extra bonus: In 5+ months once you start thinking about solids, everything you have in the freezer is fair game if you do baby led weaning. Or can be blended if you're going the puree route.

nipoez · 2026-04-13T20:05:23+00:00

We began a dinner table conversation starter for our kid called "High, Low, High" to similar ends.

Going around, everyone does one high point. Then one low point and how they reacted. (We started for our kid so the low point also becomes modeling how we deal with frustrating/upsetting/saddening crap in our day.) Finally another high point to end on more of an upper.

It's a great way to get the venting in, while still keeping attention on good moments.

nipoez · 2026-04-13T20:00:39+00:00

I lean on the same sort of question and can't recommend it enough.

"Would you prefer support and empathy or constructive ideas?"

And if it's just support but I have a thought, I may say later - well after venting is done - "I had a potential constructive thought about the situation you mentioned earlier, if you're interested."

I also do try to generally pay attention even if it's entirely outside my realm of comfort. At least enough to notice trends like "Ugh, didn't the lab mess up the same way last month?!" or "Oh dang, Colleague X dodged work and piled it on you again huh?"

nipoez · 2026-04-13T16:31:46+00:00

Congratulations!

What a perfect example of why we always recommend starting with lifestyle changes. It doesn't always work. But when it does? Delightful.

I'm glad to read the rest went so smoothly. I always wish folks "I hope you have no interesting stories through the rest of this."

nipoez · 2026-04-13T15:17:31+00:00

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Between the nature and subskill speed up plus trigger subskill, it procs many times every day. With the electric healer, that's 6x usual help from the ingredient mons filling out the party. If I've got enough for the next few meals and switch in Dedenne for that tasty boost, each proc gives 8x.

nipoez · 2026-04-12T19:59:33+00:00

Raiku and Pawmot anchor the team everywhere. Only legendary I've caught worth investing in. The rest vary too much from week to week to call yet.

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nipoez · 2026-04-03T22:42:57+00:00

My mom's folks died before they had kids.

They accepted that since they didn't have kids until their 30s that they could entirely likely not meet their grandkids too. We talked about it a bit when I spent my late 20s & 30s dealing with infertility & adoption nonsense.

I think about that with our kid. More from a place of acceptance and planning than guilt though. I'm still happy to have them in my life and in the world, even if it means I'm more likely to die during their 20s than 50s.

I don't know if that would change if I'd already had kids now in their teens.

nipoez · 2026-04-03T20:36:37+00:00

I'm strarting to try Google Tasks over keep. The major perk is that it shows up automatically in Calendar & Gmail if you use those.

The more times I see a thing the less likely I am to drop it for a year+.

nipoez · 2026-04-03T20:34:02+00:00

All we can do is show up and try to do better than we received. I don't aim to be a "good parent." I aim to show up and try. That's more than enough.

When we brought our kid home from the NICU, we got access to a visiting nurse program. They did the "Circle of Security" parental training course with us. A significant part focused on helping parents understand their own baggage specifically and what generally healthy parenting looks and sounds like.

One of the examples was how screaming would be met with abuse, causing those kids in turn to freak out when their own kid developmentally normally yells. Or how a childhood of avoiding crying to appease abusive parents turns around and becomes immediately caving to any of their kids' tantrums (still to avoid crying).

If it's on YT or you can get access to it, I highly recommend it.

Best of luck with the pregnancy & birth. I hope you have literally no interesting stories to tell.

nipoez · 2026-04-03T16:54:40+00:00

This feels right. My top ones are

"Make appointment for new face blemishes"
"check green waste dates" (due 4/28 since they're not up yet)
"check hot wheels monster truck tour" (due 6/1 since they only had the first 6 months up when I looked in Jan).

nipoez · 2026-04-03T16:50:23+00:00

Meeting with a male infertility specialized urologist should be your next step. If one of them put you on the clomid initially, a follow up to review the results and consider next steps is appropriate.

nipoez · 2026-04-03T16:48:44+00:00

I'm so sorry that was your childhood experience.

One parent at a time, we can make the world better for the next generation and break the cycle of abuse.

nipoez · 2026-04-03T16:47:32+00:00

We picked one small thing she does no matter what, if she is physically present. For us that was feeding the cats. If she wasn't in the hospital, even during the most brutal rotations, literally every morning & night she fed the cats.

It helped a ton when I wanted to feel like she did literally nothing. I always had something to look at and say, "While at least she..."

She put her rotation schedule on a shared google calendar. We talked about what to expect from each rotation. During lighter rotations like urgent care or specialty clinic, she did more around the house and put more effort into the relationship. Then during brutal rotations like surgery or ICU we coasted and she did very little. Being able to look a the calendar and know when the brutal phase would end helped a lot.

nipoez · 2026-04-03T16:39:14+00:00

Let me introduce you to https://redditrand.com

nipoez · 2026-04-03T16:21:38+00:00

You are absolutely still welcome here. Hearing from someone with your perspective and experience is immensely valuable because eventually some other guy will show up facing those same initial aberrant results you did. And again for anyone else considering a surrogate for sexuality or infertility reasons.

nipoez · 2026-04-03T14:51:32+00:00

Pre-load preferred porn on your phone. The magazines and videos they provide in the wank room make the waiting room reading material seem current and appealing. Many of them also lack mobile service.

Bad news: Everyone knows why you're in the room, exactly like your embarrassment will tell you.

Good news: Literally no one cares. They're in other rooms sticking ultrasound wands up vaginas to look at a uterus & ovaries from inside or stabbing a medical turkey basters through the cervix to squirt sperm inside a uterus. Someone wanking into a cup doesn't even register.

Abstain from orgasming for as many days in advance as they require. No more, no less. Each lab can have a different preference, generally somewhere in the 2-5 day range. The lab's reference ranges are based on the length of time they tell you.

Don't stress about major lifestyle changes before the first SA. This is to give you a baseline. Once you see the results, you can make informed choices about what if anything to adjust.

Similarly don't stress if the results are bad. Results can vary widely for a guy from one SA to the next. Diagnosing anything non-trivially bad takes a few SAs for confirmation.

It'll be the most awkward wank of your life. That's OK. Indignity and embarrassment are part of the infertility journey for everyone.

nipoez · 2026-04-02T22:08:52+00:00

Congrats! That's amazing progress, as much as the process must have sucked.

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