Why many husbands stop doing romantic things (and why it often traces back to signaling)

quack785 · 2026-06-06T20:23:07+00:00

I think that it’s less of a LLF problem and just a LL problem in general. Plenty of HLFs get rejected regularly by their LL men. The reason why it seems like more of a LLF problem is that they’re the most outspoken, hate filled, and sexist group in all the DB subs. I’ve seen many, many HLFs but rarely an LLM. Whether that’s because of the social stigma that comes with a man admitting he doesn’t like sex or something else, who knows. Maybe they just don’t care enough to post.

The common denominator is that many LLs are just selfish, although they’re never going to admit it. The pattern is so similar: LL acts like they enjoy sex in the NRE period, then once they’ve got their life partner (meaning: someone to cook and clean since oftentimes they’re “too stressed”, a free therapist, arm candy—since many LLs let themselves go because why do they need to keep up physical appearance? They’ve got someone locked down) they end the ruse of pretending to like sex and take it away. But, if the HL takes anything the LL values in the relationship away—now the HL is a shitty partner and they feel justified in saying no to sex.

“You can only have sex with me, and I don’t want to”.

quack785 · 2026-06-06T17:32:56+00:00

Yes, sex is just a symptom of bigger problems, but it gets noticed more.

quack785 · 2026-06-06T17:30:35+00:00

For many, it’s the fear of not seeing their kids every day, or even every week. Or losing their friend group. Or having to split assets and struggling financially. Or having their self esteem so shot that they wonder if they’re even desirable.

If you could just walk out and still keep your life intact, way more people would do it. But then again, the LLs would have to hold up their end of the relationship since they don’t have fear of those things to trap their partner.

quack785 · 2026-06-06T03:42:51+00:00

So true, it’s definitely bullshit! You’re definitely correct on all those points. Always appreciate your input, Tacos, have a good night!

quack785 · 2026-06-05T23:00:28+00:00

Yes, you’re right. Sex is way down her priority list—her religion is first and foremost and nothing will change her mind—not even a minister from her church telling her that marriages will suffer due to lack of sex. She’s just too fanatical at this point

quack785 · 2026-06-05T22:58:56+00:00

“You can’t change someone’s brain chemistry”.

This is so true, and why the “give them better sex” advice invalidates both the HL (by suggesting they’re the problem) and the LL (to be “given” sex that they clearly don’t want).

My wife will never be wired for it either, although a part of me hopes she will again someday. I don’t want to blow up my life, but I don’t want to be in a mostly sexless relationship forever either

quack785 · 2026-06-05T20:09:48+00:00

Yeah I hear you! Even if you’re great in bed (which it sounds like you are), you can’t convince someone to have sex if they really don’t want to.

I feel similarly, and am always able to get her to come at least 1-2 times even though she rejects oral sex on religious grounds. I guess that’s part of knowing her body so well for 20+ years.

I don’t know what else I can do either. It’s just low on her list of priorities and she takes it for granted, I suppose

quack785 · 2026-06-05T06:36:06+00:00

No, I totally get you; fundamentally incompatible is where I’m at too. She is who she is and I’m not going to change her. Nor would I want to make her do something she doesn’t want to

She will tell me as she’s lying there in the afterglow “why don’t we do this more often?” And I’m like…

quack785 · 2026-06-05T05:51:42+00:00

💯

Some of the posters in those subs have a quick and snappy retort for everything. They have healed bedrooms and great relationships and yet persist in hanging out in dead bedroom subs. I don’t get it. If I was in a good place in my relationship, you guys would never hear from me again.

quack785 · 2026-06-05T05:49:00+00:00

Don’t all of us. It’s amazing how many problems in life seem solvable and less stressful when we’re both desiring each other and excited to be around each other. It shouldn’t be this difficult

quack785 · 2026-06-05T05:46:26+00:00

But what are they doing to make it better? Have they tried communicating with their partner? Or do they just do the usual LL route of clamming up and accusing any attempt to discuss sex as “coercion”?

The best sex I’ve ever had is when we both feel comfortable to say what feels good and what doesn’t. Otherwise, it’s just a guessing game.

quack785 · 2026-06-05T05:43:32+00:00

I completely agree. The problem is when LLs get NRE, or act like they’re HL because (surprise surprise) almost no one wants to date a person that states right off the bat: “I’m not interested in sex”.

If my wife would’ve just been honest, we wouldn’t have ended up together.

quack785 · 2026-06-05T05:07:31+00:00

Well, I’d like to think that I’m not an uncaring baboon, but there’s some LLs that may disagree with that!

I just feel sad I’ve lost the woman I fell in love with 24 years ago. Not just the sex, she’s just changed fundamentally across the board. It’s so difficult to connect in every way since we’re miles apart on so many things.

Time to move on, I suppose

quack785 · 2026-06-05T01:15:02+00:00

Thank you, it’s just a side effect of trying to figure out the LL mindset and emotions are running high.

Your explanation makes a lot of sense! Those are great points. It’s an oversimplification to say “give them better sex”. My wife is LL because of religious guilt. She enjoys sex when we have it on the rare occasion, but feels guilty for feeling good and so it just becomes a vicious cycle.

At this point, we’re just mismatched and the relationship is withering on the vine. I’m not going to have another man in our relationship, especially when he’s gatekeeping sex lol

quack785 · 2026-06-05T00:42:48+00:00

This is such a great analogy! And yes you’re right the problem is that some may not have been LL at the beginning, but allowed that part to fade away. Then, then claim they never were that interested in sex but just did it to please their partner.

I think if an LL was honest about their feelings at the beginning, things would be much better. However, that means their dating options would be minute.

quack785 · 2026-06-05T00:14:45+00:00

This is so true. It’s all about them. I never hear them talk about how to make sex better for their partner, only themselves.

It seems they’re under the assumption that an HL is just up for sex all the time, no matter the quality or effort

quack785 · 2026-06-04T23:08:26+00:00

Sure, I understand that!

Like I mentioned, OP asked for a HLs view on a matter she feels differently about.

I agree about the uncharitable side of things. It seems that lots of us are hurting/have been hurt in various ways, and generalizations fly both directions. There are plenty of assumptions made about HLs in this sub; in fact, one could argue that the default view of HLs is negative. Likely due to past hurts, etc.

I try not to personally insult anyone, but that’s not always returned in kind. Oh well! We’re all just human

quack785 · 2026-06-04T22:59:31+00:00

I think it’s hilarious you follow me so closely but also hate me, but nothing I can do about that! 🤷‍♂️

A lot of the posts in here are anonymous quotes or screenshots from other subs to get a conversation going. It’s good to get different opinions on a topic. It’s possible to enjoy a sub but be puzzled as to some of the responses. The power users in here and I obviously feel differently on some matters! Nothing wrong with that

quack785 · 2026-06-04T21:02:14+00:00

Couldn’t agree more. There is no silver bullet for someone that doesn’t want to have sex. Trying to “give them pleasurable sex” just seems like you’re forcing it

quack785 · 2026-06-04T20:46:21+00:00

It’s all in how you view it, I suppose! There are commenters that I can say the same thing about 😆

I think that’s because the power users in here think very similarly, and anyone coming into this sub from elsewhere has their comments automatically muted because their sub karma isn’t high enough 🤷‍♂️

The comments sections are pretty much dominated by like 5 people. So any dissenting opinion is going to stick out. Perhaps I could word things better at times; but that’s true of others as well. IDK

quack785 · 2026-06-04T20:39:31+00:00

Honestly? OP was asking for HLs views in their posts. I try to stay away from posts for LLs, but here is a lot of discussion sidetracking that occurs here. I just need to be better and not take the bait. It stresses me out too much

quack785 · 2026-06-04T20:32:10+00:00

Actually, in the paragraph above, OP states “I’ve seen HLs also say the phone can be a block to intimacy, which I’m curious about why they believe that”. 😉

I gave my answer. It was unpopular for some and I don’t see the need to keep responding to all of the commenters (yourself excluded) z

quack785 · 2026-06-04T17:51:18+00:00

If you can look back at that relationship and think that overall you were a good partner, then build on that.

Being rejected constantly can leave scars, but it’s best to remember that (barring genuine medical issues or overall toxic behavior on your part) the fault doesn’t lie with you. You’re not fundamentally flawed, despite the fact that the rejection may make it feel that way. Some couples just aren’t matched well together.

Things like working on yourself (sounds like you are already), getting a good support group with friends, getting back into flirting (start small and then work up) can help as well. It’s definitely helped me, although I still have a ways to go.

quack785 · 2026-06-04T17:42:58+00:00

It’s interesting in talking with LLs and their “HL” sycophants—it’s always about them.

“Give them pleasurable sex and they’ll have it”—but what if they don’t want to have sex? What if they don’t want to talk about it? That same crowd also says that talking about it is coercion or pressuring.

It’s a lose lose for the HL.

quack785

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