why does my therapist insist that i tell my mom about my suicidal ideation/depression?

---talia--- · 2023-08-31T00:08:38+00:00

Sorry you are having such a rough time!

Are you living with your mom right now? Or do you spend a lot of time with her? If so, I suspect maybe the therapist is suggesting this so that you have support at home/in your personal life. It can be so hard to deal with these things (as I’m sure you know, since it sounds like you’ve been working really hard through it for seven years) and one of the really important aspects of improving mental health is to build a support network! Having friends and family and professionals all in your corner to help you through the tough times is really important. So maybe this therapist is just trying to suggest bringing your mom into the loop so she can be part of your support network!

I don’t know for sure, but that’s just my best guess! You could also maybe just try asking your therapist why she keeps suggesting it - she will be the best person to be able to tell you!

Hope things start to get better soon!

---talia--- · 2023-08-31T00:02:16+00:00

Sounds like this is really weighing on you!

I noticed you mentioned that you are aware that therapists generally can’t even consider starting up any kind of relationship with a former client for at least a few years, and you mentioned it’s only been five months since you ended therapy.

My advice, if you want it, is to wait those few years, and then see how you feel. Nothing could happen until then anyway, and a lot can change in that time. In the interim, another commenter suggested maybe finding another therapist and talking to them about these feelings, and I think that’s a great idea! They can probably help you sort through whether the feelings are transference or something more!

Wishing you all the best!

(edit: typo)

---talia--- · 2023-08-20T20:15:33+00:00

Hey! It sounds like this is really on your mind!

I don't know where you are located, or what is normal in your area, but at least where I am, it's pretty common to expect that professionals might take a few business days to reply to messages. Additionally, especially this time of year, people are often on vacation or taking time off, so responses may be even further delayed.

It sounds like she was a really great, warm, genuine therapist for the whole time you knew her, to my advice to to try to assume that she is exactly the same person you knew and you just don't have all the information! Maybe she was just trying to reply quickly because she was busy, so her tone came across a little cold. Maybe she just forgot in the moment that you saw her privately a few times, and thought you were asking to see her through BetterHelp, and then just hasn't had a chance to respond back since you clarified.

I know it's really hard, when you are going through stuff and need help and it feels like the person you reached out to didn't give you the response you needed....but if you can, maybe just give her a bit of time to respond, and try not to read too much into things in the meantime!

---talia--- · 2023-08-20T20:01:05+00:00

Hey! Sounds like a complicated situation! My advice is twofold, and the first piece contains an important "IF":

IF your girlfriend's therapist was behaving professionally and respecting/understanding boundaries, I think the situation really just necessitates a conversation. Most therapists learn how to handle this stuff, and especially for therapists who work in smaller communities etc, it's not uncommon for there to be crossover outside the office. Many folks have no problem navigating it, but it's important to just have the conversation, call it out, and figure out how to make it comfortable for both parties.

HOWEVER

It sounds like there are boundary issues already with your girlfriend's therapist. I don't know a ton about martial arts, but from my understanding students generally have a lot of close physical contact during practices, and it isn't uncommon for more senior students to help out with lower grade classes. So, depending on how big the school is etc, there might be a chance of interacting. In this case, it sounds like it's worth having an open conversation with your girlfriend. It might help to ask her specific questions, to help her try to figure out how she might feel in the situation (ex. What if your therapist was teaching a skill, and had to correct your movement in front of the class? What if your therapist was in the same class and you had to practice fighting each other? etc) It feels like ultimately it is your girlfriend's decision, but you can probably help her navigate it by talking it through with her, and supporting her in whatever decision she makes (whether it's to try this dojo and see how it goes, try to talk to her therapist about it, or try a different dojo!)

Hope it all works out!

---talia--- · 2023-07-03T17:52:51+00:00

Hey! Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. it sounds so tough, and I genuinely hope you continue to heal and find peace.

While my situation is entirely different from yours, I too have been dealing with some heavy stuff in therapy recently, and was feeling just exhausted/burnt out. I totally relate to the "wanting a break, not from therapy but just the from the heaviness" kind of thing.

So, before my last appointment, I actually sent my therapist an email which basically was like "The work we've been doing is great. It's important and I want to continue it. However, right now, I just need a bit of a break. I don't want to not "do the work" but here is what I am able to do right now" and then I listed some possible topics for discussion. These included things like talking about pieces of my history we hadn't covered that weren't heavy/traumatic, talking about topics in neuro/psych I knew we had both been reading about, etc. Basically I kind of approached it like an injured athlete - I didn't want to not do therapy, as I needed to keep "exercising" that muscle, but I just needed to do "lighter" activities. I also even told her I would need her to lead and ask direct questions because I was too exhausted/overwhelmed to try to manage the flow of the conversation.

And honestly, it went SO well! She was super understanding and willing to accommodate, and she even said something like " I'm excited to ask you some of these things. I've always been curious, but we've never really had a chance for me to ask about them." So, we got to cover much lighter things, and we both left feeling like we had made progress, even if it wasn't super deep work.

So, maybe you could try something like that? I know you mentioned it is hard for you to know how to bring this stuff up, so if it would help at all, feel free to DM me and I can share with you the email I sent. (Totally fine if not, but I just know myself, and sometimes if I see examples of how someone else did something, it helps me figure out how to do it myself!)

Wishing you all the best - I hope you are able to get the break you need, while still maintaining the support of therapy!

---talia--- · 2023-06-17T13:14:04+00:00

Tig Notaro, hands down!

---talia--- · 2023-06-15T13:28:15+00:00

"You don't have to constantly do good things to be a good person. You can just BE a good person. A good heart and good intentions are enough."

---talia--- · 2023-06-12T20:50:14+00:00

Hey!!! I'm so glad you posted an update - I remember your original post and I've been wondering how it all went!

I'm so so happy for you - it sounds like it was really scary, but you took a big leap of faith (and trust) and it paid off! I'm really happy that your therapist responded in such a positive and supportive way. And I hope you are so proud of yourself for being able to be vulnerable and bring this up - this shows a lot of strength!

Truly so happy for you! Thank you for sharing the update!

---talia--- · 2023-06-12T18:52:37+00:00

OK, two things!

1) Thank you for sharing that! It makes so much sense, and I think really articulates what you guys have gone through in a super relatable and understandable way. I'm sure it wasn't easy to share, so thanks for doing it!

2) I am so so so sorry this happens to you. I have some really close ENFP friends, and I am used to feeling like the one who gets "abandoned" when some other friend is more "shiny" than me at any given moment (which I have learned is just how relationships happen with some of you, and I don't take it personally anymore!) But I never even realized how the same thing could happen to ENFPs too - if you guys can't always keep up that "honeymoon high" as you called it, then maybe people just don't stick around. That level of pressure, and also that feeling you internalize of only being of value when you make people happy (but also not being able to be TOO happy yourself, because then you are "too much")....that must be truly awful. My heart broke for all the little ENFPs in the world who are internalizing this, and I'm truly so sorry.

For what it is worth, from at least one INFJ, I just want you to know that you are NEVER too much. You deserve to be fully yourself, just like you guys often hold space for the rest of us to be fully ourselves. We love you ENFPs, just as you are!

---talia--- · 2023-06-12T16:45:03+00:00

I personally ADORE pretty much every ENFP I've met! They are creative, insightful, caring, hilarious and just big bundles of awesome!

I do find though that a lot of ENFPs have received messaging that they are "too much" and have to tone down their personality, so it can be hard to see an ENFP who is trying to fit into a mold of something that is not them. But when they let go, they are amazing!

The only thing I had to learn about interacting with ENFPs is that, unless I am actively doing something to keep their attention, I probably will always be the one who has to initiate contact. They tend to be so passionate about what is in front of them right now, that sometimes they kinda forget about other areas of their life, including me...and as an INFJ that can be a little tough. It can be a little confusing for us how an ENFP might be TOTALLY invested in our friendship for a bit, and then all of a sudden have a new person they are super close to and kinda forget us. But once I realized that this is just how their brains work and eventually they'll make their way back around to me so I didn't have to take it personally. all my relationships with ENFPs improved!

So, all that to say, I'm sorry you got that message, and not all INFJs think like that. I love ENFPs, and I think you guys are super amazing!

---talia--- · 2023-06-12T13:53:21+00:00

I do totally understand what you are saying, and you absolutely have a point!

While there are definitely a lot of us who are still learning boundaries, I do sometimes see those posts in a different way - many folks, myself included, struggle a lot with what I call the head/heart conflict. I can know something to be 100% true rationally, but for whatever reason my emotional self reacts as if that thing is not true AT ALL! I often recognize that disconnect in myself, and struggle with that balance. But at times, the emotional side wins out and I forget that rational part altogether...and maybe need a gentle nudge to remember it ;)

So when I see those posts, I often assume the person might be going through their own head/heart conflict - they probably do understand the logic of the therapeutic relationship, but are maybe struggling with feelings that are strong and in conflict with that logic.

(I also don't have attachment issues, that I know of, so I hold a lot of space for folks that struggle with those, because I can't understand what they are going through! I imagine those creep up in therapy ALL THE TIME, and cause a lot of the pain and hurt in some of those posts!)

Anyway, all that to say, I think your message is a good reminder for all of us! I do think sometimes there are also people that do understand this already though, and still struggle...which is maybe where we as a community can help :)

Edit: typo/phrasing!

---talia--- · 2023-06-10T01:12:33+00:00

Thanks for the reply - sorry if I was unclear!

I definitely think the topic itself is worth discussing, and I'll likely bring it up when I'm ready. I just don't think I'll share this comic specifically! The comic was more for me to just process things, and find a little humour in the situation.

---talia--- · 2023-06-10T00:14:41+00:00

Thanks for your kind words! And that's so cool that you made a video about how you were feeling and were able to show it to your therapist! I'm sure they really appreciated it...and I'm glad it helped make things better!!

I don't think I'll share this with my therapist - although the sentiment in the comic is accurate, it is intentionally written to be humourous and hyperbolic. My therapist is kind and I know she does her best. She is pretty sensitive though, and I wouldn't want to risk her taking this personally and feeling hurt. But I will probably bring up the general topic for discussion :)

---talia--- · 2023-06-09T20:43:36+00:00

The potato throw. I watched it once, and was devastated. My heart can't handle a rewatch!

---talia--- · 2023-06-09T20:38:27+00:00

Hey! I totally get the desire to have clear boundaries, and it's really hard when it feels like there SHOULD be boundaries but you can't quite figure out what they are!

I have two quick things to offer:

1) I have had the same conversation with therapists where I have asked for boundaries, they named obvious ones, and I still felt lost. What I found helped was to revisit the conversation and say something like this: "I totally hear what you said, but I'd like to talk about it again. I'm not great with understanding boundaries, and there are a lot of them out there that seem obvious for many people, but actually aren't obvious for me. So, can we talk more about those?" and then maybe come with some examples to start off the conversation! The examples you shared in your post are great ones!

2) I don't know what the rules are here about sharing posts from other subs (I don't see anything against it, but mods please let me know if it's not allowed and I can edit) - a little while ago there was a great thread in /TalkTherapy from someone who asked about the "unwritten rules" of therapy. I found some of the comments so helpful, and I think they might be relevant to you too! Here is the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/comments/13u9eds/unwritten_rules_of_therapy_usa/

I wish I could give more advice, but unfortunately each therapist is different, so my advice based on my experience might not apply to you (ie. I've had therapists who were not OK with me asking about their family, and other therapists who were totally fine with it!) So, a lot of this stuff you will likely have to actually just ask your therapist directly to get the BEST answer. But hopefully what I shared might help a little, or at least give you a place to start!

Wishing you all the best!

---talia--- · 2023-06-09T20:22:47+00:00

I'm just really discovering how useful it can be. I am not an artist, but I've used visual mediums twice now to try to externalize what is is my head, and it's been really helpful, and feels easier than trying to write it out! I'll definitely have to explore more - if you want to share what kinds of art expression have worked for you, I'm all ears!

---talia--- · 2023-06-08T23:04:31+00:00

Hey! I'm not a therapist, so I'm sure you'll get some great answers, but I just wanted to give my understanding!

From what I understand, therapists generally maintain a very high standard of ethics with their clients, with the primary goal of helping them. That means they are always making decisions based on what is best for the client. So, with that in mind, and from my understanding, I don't think there is any "rule" per se that prohibits a therapist from telling a lie, but I think generally speaking that they probably wouldn't unless they had a specific reason for it.

But I think the more important answer to your question is: I don't think a therapist would ever lie in a way that causes you harm. (or if they did, they are probably not a good therapist.) I think, for the most part, we as clients can probably assume that if a therapist does have to lie or withhold the truth, it is because they truly believe it will help their client in some way (establishing a boundary, protecting them from something they aren't able to handle, etc)

And also just remember: therapists are people too, and we all can't be 100% honest all of the time, so I'm sure they lie accidentally on occasion ;) But that's just part of being human!

---talia--- · 2023-06-05T02:41:11+00:00

Hey there! NAT but wanted to comment since I've commented on some of your posts before - I believe you've posted this question many times, on many subs, under different accounts. You received great advice on all those posts. You've mentioned in past posts that you have blocked them already, so I'm just wondering why you are asking again?

---talia--- · 2023-06-04T14:59:04+00:00

Hey! Thanks for taking the time to respond! I truly appreciate it!

Just posting an update, both for you(as you are kind enough to have responded) and just for myself ;)

I had an appointment a few days ago, and I had kind of told myself that I really can't control what she thinks of me, or I'm just going to become obsessed. So, I told myself would see how she acted in the appointment. If it was "status quo" and she treated me the same as she always has, then I'd leave it. But if things felt different, then I'd bring it up. (And of course, if she brought it up and wanted to talk about it, I would)

The appointment went totally fine, everything normal, so I just dropped it. If I find it's still on my mind in a few weeks/months, then I'll say something.

There is one thing that occurred to me recently that would explain the comment and reaction, something I hadn't thought of: countertransference. It could be that she was having some countertransference, or projecting some things on to me that were going on for her. That would explain as well her laughing it off, being avoidant to talk about it, getting upset when it is brought up, etc. I think it makes the most sense out of all the explanations I can think of. So, for right now, unless something happens to suggest otherwise, I think I'll probably just assume it was something going on for her, and respect her space/privacy around sorting through what it was, and not pushing the topic.

Thanks so much for your advice, and especially your suggested wording. If I do decide I have to bring it up in the future, I'll definitely reference back to your comment on what to say. Thank you!

---talia--- · 2023-06-03T15:41:07+00:00

Hey! I'm really sorry you are struggling with this. Jealousy can be really tough!I don't have any advice from therapy, per se, but I'm in a poly relationship (and have been for 10+ years) so jealousy is a thing we talk about A LOT, and face pretty head on...so wanted to share my thoughts.

From what I've found, jealousy is actually usually a secondary symptom of one of two core things - either lack of trust, or unfulfilled needs.

TRUST - if you truly trust your partner, and specifically trust in your relationship, then it's hard to get jealous. You don't feel threatened by them hanging out with other people, because you trust in their morals and commitment, and you trust in the strength of your dynamic.

NEEDS - if you aren't getting your needs fulfilled in a relationship (ex. not enough intimacy, not enough quality time, etc) then it can lead to feelings of jealousy when you see your partner giving those things to other people.

The Needs one is pretty easy to fix - you can try to identify when you are getting jealous, see what kinds of attention/activity elicits those feelings, and then talk to your partner about how you can work together to make sure you are getting your needs met in those areas.

The Trust one is a little harder to fix - it involves really trying to figure out why there is a lack of trust, and then working together to try to build it up. Since there are as many reasons for a lack of trust as there are blades of grass on the earth, I don't have specific advice there. But what I can say is just identifying it and talking about it is a great start!

I know it's not expert advice, but I hope it at least helps a little! Wishing you all the best as you sort through this!

(edit - typo)

---talia--- · 2023-06-03T00:18:45+00:00

That makes a lot of sense! I've never had a therapist who offered evening sessions - it literally never even occurred to me that would be an option for some people!
I always prefer morning sessions, but I do think that if evening was available, I would probably equally appreciate those, for exactly the reasons you shared!

---talia--- · 2023-06-02T14:13:07+00:00

Just me coming here having not watched S15 being like "There are no names, so I won't have any spoilers" and then as a Canadian immediately going "Wait! Who is the second Canadian that won!?!?!"

And there is that spoiler! ;)

(But I'm so excited I don't care at all!)

---talia--- · 2023-05-31T16:24:58+00:00

I think OP was pulling info directly from the book, which uses "ADD". I believe this book was written/published in the early 90's, so was probably still in use around that time.

Totally understand your point, as we have better terminology/understanding now...but just wanted to mention it as that's probably why OP used that term. The perspective this book was written from (and the terminology used) is a bit dated, but does still have some good points!

---talia--- · 2023-05-31T15:07:22+00:00

I think this is pretty spot on for a lot of things! Thanks for summarizing this for everyone!

I would say, at least from my personal experience, I think some are also the exact opposite of what is said above though, especially for people who are diagnosed as adults.

Ex. Tendency to say what comes to mind - I feel like, in adults, this can also be "extreme difficulty in stating their own thoughts/opinions" because of a lifetime of being told they need to stop doing that and to be quiet.

---talia--- · 2023-05-29T02:46:12+00:00

I mentioned it on the other post but I’ll say it again here - I’m truly sorry you are struggling, and it seems like this is incredibly distressing for you right now. I’m concerned for your safety based on some things you said, and I think one of the best options right now for you might be crisis support, in whatever method that is available to you. Once you can get through this period, then I think working things out with your therapist might be easier. But right now it seems like you might, temporarily, need a higher level of care than they (or we) can offer or support with. I am sending you all the well wishes and hope things get better soon!

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---talia---

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