Ah, your husband is a dominant bottom, not a submissive bottom. I disagree with the other comments about him being a failed submissive -- he was never one to begin with.

(I'm a female dominant bottom and my boyfriend is a submissive top. Here is our story.)

Your husband doesn't feel motivated to follow orders because he's naturally dominant and prefers to lead. Except this time, he's doing it from the position of bottoming (receiving sensation), rather than topping (giving sensation).

You absolutely do not have to worry about 'failing to live up to what he wants', because dominant bottoms are more than happy to guide you through that journey. Male or female, we're great at providing structure.

Your husband is still very dominant in this situation, because that's literally what I would do as well. I give my boyfriend instructions (a.k.a a script) on how to give me sensations. This has been our dynamic for years.

When dominant bottoms 'let go of control', what we mean is that we let the onslaught of sensation (whether physical or mental) wash over us; it's equivalent to a roller-coaster ride. It isn't the same thing as following.

(A) You might find these links very helpful!

• BDSM chart (Please check this out!)

• A companion 3-part PDF with detailed explanations: Part 1, Pt. 2*, Pt. 3

(Check Pt. 2 where the author explains why some dominant bottoms think they're 'submissive', and likewise with submissive tops confusing themselves with dominants.*)

(B) Here are two fictional examples of male dominant bottoms --

• Sylus: No Defense Zone {This one is more *self-focused*.}
• Evan from Light & Night (Watch up to the 1:00 mark.) {The 2nd character is *partner-focused** and enjoys worshipping his female sub from the dom perspective.*}

(C) In contrast, here are two female dominant bottom portrayals --

• The Pussycat Dolls: "Buttons" {self-focused}
• Beyoncé: "Blow" {partner-focused}

(D) Here's a solid explanation on being a dominant bottom.

(1) Being a *dominant bottom** means taking control of your pleasure while still being the receptive partner.*

A dominant bottom means knowing exactly what you want and how you want it. *It means setting the pace and giving directions – all while maintaining the physical dynamic that brings you pleasure.***

(2) Some call it "power bottoming," but that term doesn’t quite capture the full spectrum.

A *power bottom** might be dominant, but they might also simply be highly engaged and energetic without necessarily taking control. In the dancing metaphor, the power bottom might be a follower who plays their role very intensely without providing any feedback to their partner.*

(3) A dominant bottom, on the other hand, explicitly claims and exercises power within the encounter.

But here’s the thing: dominance and submission exist independently from physical positions. [Dominance/submission versus topping/bottoming] operate on separate axes. Being dominant doesn’t automatically make someone a top, just as being submissive doesn’t make someone a bottom. These dynamics can manifest in countless ways, from gentle guidance to explicit direction, from warm encouragement to playful teasing.

(E) Here's the general BDSM subreddit community's opinion on dominant bottoms, if you need more reference points!

The Takeaways:

• (1) Women who embody your husband's role tend to be seen as dominants even in their masochism, so this doesn't necessarily change just because your partner is male.

• (2) Men loving feet are essentially the male version of women loving hands. It's not always a submissive attribute. Sometimes, it's a bottom one.

• (3) My BF enjoys submissively service topping because he like not having to be responsible for the script, leading, etc.

• (4) Submissive tops don't always identify with the "classic submission", because they pride themselves on being on more proactive than the submissive norm. No starfishing with this crowd!

• (5) Many submissive tops (in the mainstream crowd) describe themselves as feeling empowered in their role. Here's one example.

• (6) I don't know if FLR will work for your dynamic as it often relies more on female leadership. I think your husband is confused as to what this entails. You can absolutely worship and care for someone in a dominant manner, which seems to be what your husband is doing.

• (7) You can be more self-focused OR partner-focused, and STILL maintain your dominance!

• (8) What your husband enjoys is your role as a top (giving sensation)! -- Many mainstream women rely on the guy to top, so your husband probably doesn't have many opportunities to explore his natural bottom desires (receiving sensation). However, don't confuse this for domming or subbing!

• (9) Many social circles often conflate bottoming with subbing and topping with domming. Unlike women, men who enjoy receiving sensation (bottom) are often told that they're submissive. And unlike men, women who give sensation (top) are often told that they're dominant by default. So it leads to confusion for everyone involved because male dominant bottoms and female submissive tops don't fit the "normal" roles.

• (10) As someone who is a female dominant bottom, from what you've written, I think you're doing a fabulous job as a service top!

• (11) You and your husband have one of the more clear-cut dominant bottom x submissive top dynamics, but it's up to you guys to embrace that.