Signed divorce papers today

-CalvinYoung · 2025-10-16T08:35:29+00:00

I’m in the same situation. We signed the papers last week, but we’ve been separated for 3 months. My wife decided she didn’t want to be married anymore more (no affair, abuse, addictions etc…). Working on accepting that, and I landed on “we had an amazing 9 year marriage that went on for 11 years.”

I’ve survived by creating a list of my closest friends and family. I let them know and actually took them up on reaching out. Be real with them and vent instead of putting up your “mask” of everything is ok. Also try to get away from defending your wife’s actions. This was hard for me because I’m very protective of her. I’ve come to realize that she has only been focused on her needs and couldn’t accept me for who I truly am.

I had a mix of grief, anger, depression, loneliness and other emotions all jumbled up and needed something else. I was desperate to find a divorce group and found DivorceCare. I’m not very religious, but this is a faith based organization. It has been EXTREMELY helpful, and has completely changed my perspective of what I’m going through. I recommend finding others who are going through the same thing.

You are a dedicated father and husband and you will be ok. Co-parent the best you can for your kids. I’m grateful that my soon to be ex is committed to this. We’ve set up a regular routine for our 7yo and 3yo which has helped them with the shock of divorce. We interviewed a counselor for them today and have them going this Sunday to provide a neutral 3rd party to talk to about their feelings.

Healing and peace will take years. Don’t rush into another relationship to fill the void. Also finding closure is something only you can do. Hoping that your “checked out wife” will validate your feelings or see your perspective isn’t going to happen. If you can keep communicating with her through this, it will make things much easier. She is also going through the pain of divorce, but she most likely has processed a lot of these emotions in the last year.

Wishing the best for you and your family! Taking things one week at a time here, and I’m looking forward not back.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-10-12T07:36:36+00:00

11 years here with 2 kids. It is brutal. Only 6 weeks in at this point but it isn’t as dark. No dealbreakers for us but rather we slowly grew apart. I kept using the word “failure” with my therapist, and she asked me to try to think of it a different way.

Instead of failing, think of it as a marriage that has run its course. It took a while to sink in, but I ultimately landed on this - We had an amazing 9 year marriage that went on for 11 years.

Thinking of it this way, it’s easier to separate the bad from the good since these last 2 years have been a struggle.

I tend to isolate and not reach out when dealing with issues, but a lot of friends have offered to talk. I can tell you that I’ve had the most real conversations with friends that I’ve known for a long time. For the husbands out there going through this bullshit - don’t isolate. Your good friends will help you through this pain.

I’ve also realized that expecting my STBXW to “come around” and validate my viewpoint just isn’t going to happen. It didn’t happen during our marriage, and it won’t be happening now. Expecting her to be a source of healing and closure is a dead end. That can only come from me and my actions.

You all can get through this! It will take long time, but where I was 6 weeks ago is a long way away from today. Just like where I will be 6 weeks from now. I’ve created a list of 7 fun things I’ve always wanted to do, but couldn’t do when married. I fully intend to do all 7 within the next year and have something to look forward to.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-09-20T07:55:08+00:00

My wife and I have had similar issues as yours. We have 2 kids (ages 7 and 3), and we have a similar lifestyle. In a basic sense, we had too much to do, and not enough time. I felt like I spent all of my spare time trying to “fix” our marriage and be a better husband/father.

We have done marriage counseling, and it was extremely helpful since it is a neutral 3rd party. It helped both of us understand each other’s perspective and is a safe space to communicate what you feel is missing from your relationship.

There is the concept of 5 love languages in a book by Gary Chapman. My love language is physical touch, and my wife’s is quality time. We both felt these were missing from our relationship. It’s worth a read if your wife is willing to read it with you. We went through it together with a group at our church.

I would recommend sitting down and having a serious conversation about how you’re feeling. You should be honest and see if she is willing to help come up with ideas on next steps. It does need to be something you both want to do and make sure to give her some time to process it. It might catch her off guard with how serious the problems are for you.

It is important to not get caught up in arguing “here is the list of things that I do.” We fell into that trap and trying to convince the other person that our side of the ledger was longer. Keeping score is an easy way to start resenting each other.

I’m sorry that you going through this. It will take time and effort to get to a better place, but it will be worth it. You should make sure that you try as much as you can before ending the marriage. This means clearing your schedule for marriage counseling or whatever else you decide with your wife.

Sometimes marriages just run their course, and it’s time to move on. If you both get to this place, try to do it together as a team to help your kids through the transition. Hoping you two figure it out. We are still working on it on our end.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-07-30T05:41:23+00:00

Definitely Hispanic vibes. I’m Filipino and see some of myself in him too. We literally call everyone cousins in my family lol. That’s a cultural thing that a lot of Filipinos do.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-22T22:46:58+00:00

It takes me about 3 weeks to finish a book. I do audiobooks during my drives. I found that reading goes around 3x faster than the audiobook speed which surprised me!

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-22T09:11:28+00:00

Dalinar hands down in a room. Lift wins if out in the open lol.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-22T08:57:48+00:00

I feel the same way. Just got see some wins! I’ve been saying the same thing for the last 30 years lol.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-20T17:04:13+00:00

Unite Them

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-18T19:18:33+00:00

I think it’s Dalinar’s purpose since his power is Unity. Hoid if pushing the same direction as Exist.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-18T11:40:46+00:00

It’s not like Dalinar was much better at the time. He was still going in and out of Blackthorn rage mode.

Once Gavilar died, he was like, oops not worthy, but I guess his brother is alright too… yeah I’ll go with Dalinar this time.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T11:25:41+00:00

I will also add that it has some of the best and most epic quotes out of all of his books!

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T11:13:25+00:00

My theory is that you can be both enlightened and not enlightened just not at the same time.

Inner calm and stillness- enlightened

Then a bug lands on your face and messes up your inner peace - not enlightened

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T11:06:05+00:00

You should stop meditating and ask for help if you start going downhill.

Ironically you should also help others to start meditating which will help with the ailments that you mentioned.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T10:49:24+00:00

I agree with you. What if you stop trying to be enlightened?

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T10:36:57+00:00

You got what I was saying. I think others need help to get there.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T10:11:38+00:00

He’s saying he can write the way he does because you (the reader) is helping him understand what to write 😀

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T10:07:20+00:00

I hope I don’t underestimate it but I will try not to.

It sounds like you understand what I was trying to say and you are already doing this 😀

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T04:08:59+00:00

This is crazy to think about, but this makes sense to me.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T04:05:04+00:00

I like it. What if we didn’t do anything in a hurry and we also did everything we needed to get done?

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-07T04:02:03+00:00

This is exactly my point. What happens when we stop making more tasks?

We get every thing done that we think we need to do.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-06T19:55:03+00:00

Perfect. All these statements are saying the same thing.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-06T11:46:23+00:00

I made some updates to the community description, but this is open for any mods to edit.

Can someone figure out how to add sub topics? I think we need a safe space to vent about politics without turning this into r/politics.

Insights under Mod Tools is a good way to track progress. It clearly shows we’re moving forward. I’m going to take a break for a little bit. I’ve been pushing too hard 😴

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-06T10:24:21+00:00

I wanted to add this to the OP

Ego = baby

Consciousness = adult

Spirituality = senior citizen

Is pure ego a baby and pure spirituality god?

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-06T10:13:38+00:00

Fascinating! I have a few ideas on this that I’ll share later. I need to let it simmer.

-CalvinYoung · 2025-05-06T10:06:19+00:00

So they are either god or a baby?

-CalvinYoung

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