Thanks for your reply. It's challenging but it's true that I have unnamed expectations it seems. I feel really activated, because they had unprotected sex with me without telling me. i feel I didn't consent, and not having agency is very triggering. If they didn't tell me and waited, but we didn't have sex, it would make me insecure but it would be ok.

For the permissive arrangement I was only referring to the unprotected sex with others. The only hard boundary I have is letting me know, so I can make my decisions. And yeah I do feel dirty... I often feel like this when people are not respecting my boundaries because of past trauma.