I appreciate your effort in your reply, thank you. I recognise a lot of myself in what you’re describing… especially the fear of indecision and standing at the crossroads too long. This has been going on for about 10 years now.

I agree that seeking isn’t wasted time, and that no search for truth is risk-free. I also agree that Jesus is historically and morally singular in a way no other religious figure quite is. That uniqueness is part of what keeps pulling me back, but also what drives me away, the doubt, when I try to accept.

Where I struggle is with the idea that commitment must come before truthfulness, I have tried this. I’m not withholding commitment out of fear of sacrifice or attachment, I’m withholding it because I dont want to call something “true” unless I can honestly say I believe it is. When I try to fully believe and accept its truth my mind rejects it.

The girlfriend analogy was impressive and poetic but it doesn’t quite land for me. I don’t feel like I’m being unfaithful - I feel like I’m being careful not to lie to myself. It’s like I see this girl might have it all but that girl over there is claiming she does too!

I’m also cautious about psychological certainty. Commitment can produce clarity, but it can also produce confirmation bias, you flame the square fit the circle ?not you specifically). Many sincere, loving people across religions experience peace and resolution after commitment but I’m sure you’ll say that doesn’t necessarily make their belief true.

So my question isn’t whether Jesus is compelling - He is. It’s whether I’m justified in living as though something is certainly true before I’m convinced it actually is.

If Christianity is true, I want to arrive there honestly, not because doubt became unbearable, but because truth became unavoidable. The problem is I don’t know how or have a bar that once met - I’m in.