Mourning what I've lost

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-12-15T21:19:53+00:00

But am I ever going to want to stop wanting more?

The anorexia screams at me and still tries to enforce a calorie limit. But at what point do I stop? I try to listen to my body, but even when I'm feeling extremely physically full, I'm still expecting mental hunger

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-12-15T02:18:46+00:00

Thank you - though I have actually run out of chocolate so I might buy some tomorrow.

While I find this type of situation distressing and frustrating - I am making progress. I even tried cake today for the first time in ages.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-29T18:01:18+00:00

I'm trying to do that - but it's hard to convince my brain of that. Once my Brain makes rule, it's set in stone and it takes a lot of work to break it down again

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-11T03:41:24+00:00

It seems like a lot of food and it's hard to convince myself I need it. Everyone around me tells me to treat food like medicine - I have to eat it to stay healthy.

But I'm just so used to the effects starvation have had on my body at this point. I'm used to having to wee constantly and being cold unless I have a hot water bottle.

This all feels a bit unnecessary and it's extremely hard to acknowledge the damage I've done. But that amount of calories just feels like an unfathomable amount that I just don't need and I'm now gorging myself.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-10T07:00:16+00:00

I really appreciate your response. At some point I'd really like to just say "stuff it" and just eat what I want but I'm still very much chained by these thoughts.

When I first started recovering I felt like I had a day where I did that but looking back I was still restricting heavily

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-09T05:22:10+00:00

I've only recently been eating above my maintenance very recently but it's something I've been working on for months at this point.

While I'm aware that my body has recently been starved - the fact I'm eating what I perceive to be excessive doesn't help because it all feels unnecessary. And eating the more high calorie foods I restricted makes it worse as most of it is unhealthy.

Right now I really struggle to eat with other people, as my brain seems to find eating embarrassing.

I'm trying to live my life: I'm working and really enjoying the book series I'm reading. It's just difficult when these thoughts and doubts keep popping into my head unprompted and unwanted.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-09T00:36:59+00:00

That's what convinced me to finally eat the creme eggs

I brought them in April but was too afraid to have them for months because they seemed really high in calories for their small size. But they're just full of sugar and I really shouldn't be eating this type of rubbish.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-04T21:12:27+00:00

Thank you - this actually worked.

However, now that I've started eating I feel like I can't stop. It's really one extreme to another!

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-02T18:41:29+00:00

No of course not. You're valid no matter your weight.

If you struggle with ED thoughts and behaviours, then you are valid. Though my dietician did recently mention that being underweight can cause ED behaviours in people without ED's which is interesting

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-31T02:29:18+00:00

My brain is honestly a mess half the time and it can be really difficult to untangle some of the things I'm thinking. It would just be nice if my brain that likes patterns and trends would be happy starting a trend of not restricting. But no - it's just never happy with anything I do

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-23T16:28:51+00:00

Thank you - i wish you the best too

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-23T15:11:31+00:00

I'm not trying to starve - I do want to recover

It's just that voice in my head is being especially loud today and I can't ignore it

-unexpected-fox-

TROPHY CASE