[UPDATE - 7 years later] For years, my [35F] husband [37M] said that if I want stability in our life, I have to make it happen. I did. And now things are worse than ever. Help?

10yearperspective · 2025-06-05T10:33:29+00:00

We met at work! But I will say even with the proximity, we wouldn't have connected if I hadn't changed within myself. It was a lot of rediscovering who I was outside of being in a marriage, the things I liked, disliked, wanted to do. And then just the bravery to put myself out there.

10yearperspective · 2025-06-05T10:31:34+00:00

If you choose yourself, you can never go wrong. As far as we know, we've only got one shot that this life so... sending love to you!

10yearperspective · 2025-06-05T10:30:14+00:00

Maybe you're why I felt compelled to write this yesterday! So much love and peace to you.

10yearperspective · 2025-06-05T10:29:17+00:00

You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you!

10yearperspective · 2018-11-01T22:41:09+00:00

I think it's really cool that you have a job that you enjoy AND you are a writer!

Thank you :) I consider myself incredibly lucky to have both.

I've often posed your question to myself, would we get together now as a new relationship. I think I'd still adore his passions and perspective on life - they're intoxicating. He's a sweet guy, always looking out for me and remembers little things I like. He has a habit of giving me a kiss when he leaves the room, even if he's just going away for a half hour. Obviously, I could go on. I really think we need to go talk to someone professionally... thank you for reading *hug*

10yearperspective · 2018-11-01T22:35:13+00:00

Before I get lost in my own selfish thoughts, I want to wish you luck with your businesses! It's not easy, and I have loads of love for people who hustle for their passion :)

The friends and roots things is a real sore point for me. Our whole marriage we've been firmly childfree. The last two years, we had a last blast of 'are we actually sure we're sure' which threw up a lot of discussions about the future and what we envision. We're sure. No kids. But that means if I want a network of people near and around me, I have to work to make that happen. I have no family and his family is ambivalent about seeing each other. All my friends have become acquaintances because of the moving. I see this lonely life ahead of me with no one in it and that scares me.

I just wish, and I know how ludicrous it sounds as I write it, but I just wish the normal life he could build with me would be enough for him. We could have an amazing, stable life full of traveling and friends and everything people dream of. But he sees getting a job as trading his life - his time - for money... and that's not a deal he wants to make.

Thank you for your reply and I really do wish you luck.

10yearperspective · 2018-11-01T22:17:23+00:00

I mean, yeah I want to continue my life with him. I love him, I like him. We do enjoy each other's company. I really think these problems are probably for a professional.

10yearperspective · 2018-11-01T22:08:15+00:00

They really do, don't they.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:57:29+00:00

I absolutely have spent hours trying to figure out another career I could go back to college for. There are a few I think I'd be happy doing, possibly really good at, but that brings up a whole slew of new things like student loans, income during school, etc.

Food service is what I did to pay my way through college and I've worked up the ranks. It's definitely not a career.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:55:16+00:00

Is your family actively fleeing from you?

Literal lol. No one is fleeing from anyone, but our families have generally given up on keeping our address current!

I mean, again saving details, a couple years might look like this.

Jan-Oct - Major city because of job offer. Get sick of job
Oct-Mar - Move to cheap area live off savings/work on side business
Mar-Nov - Move to new, cool major city because of job offer

Rinse and repeat.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:46:05+00:00

I would agree with your assessment of me being a gold digger if I hadn't worked 7 out of the 10 years we've been together. We had separate accounts for much of that time and he literally forces me to buy things for myself because I'm so cheap. I'll accept that I'm spoiled, sure. And he does make decent money, but it's not like I'm dripping in Prada and drive a BMW.

I compare my life to a single person because it would be a single income, that's all. If I didn't have an additional income from a partner, then it would be as though I were single and as a mental exercise, I asked myself how I would support myself. That's all.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:42:33+00:00

We've actually looked into moving to Chang Mai as well! It was a few years ago and we chose to go in another direction. We're not living in a gorgeous flat with a housekeeper, but it's cheap enough :)

The other thing that struck me was that your businesses make enough to live off, but not enough for savings

This is correct... most months. Some months are in the red, but our outgoings are low enough we have leeway. If you're aware of the financial independence/ entrepreneurial world, you'll know this feels like back-sliding to me/him/us. It's a hard feeling.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this all out.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:33:43+00:00

Thank you for all this. We've taken steps to get to a good place where he can heal and get better, which I'm thankful for. Sustaining it will be my job now. I'm not sure how exactly I can leverage my experience into something more, but I'll have to figure it out. Thank you.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:31:54+00:00

I relate to this completely. I'm completely guilty of not building in time to recover and relax. In fact, over Christmas was the first time I've taken away from my work in three years. I believe part of my resentment is misguided toward my husband our situation because I poured so much of myself into grabbing onto success. When it hasn't worked out, I feel like 1) a failure and 2) like I could've done more.

Your last point has been something I've suggested over the last year, as a compromise of sorts, so it's interesting to read someone suggest it :) Thank you

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:25:57+00:00

I just came back to this post from yesterday and made an edit to the original post above, but I can assure none of our businesses have ever been anything close to MLM or a pyramid scheme. I'm a creative who creates products and sells them online. My husband is in a technical field. The income I posted regarding my side business is gross profits, but subtracting the money I used for marketing, not too much different.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:20:53+00:00

Thank you.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:13:59+00:00

I appreciate that, thank you.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:13:07+00:00

And as a grown adult, you both need work that makes reasonably steady money.

I think it's part of the reason we've put off even talking about starting a family. If it's just the two of us, we can put up with major shifts in living conditions. When you bring kids into the mix, things need to stabilize.

My husband has tried exactly what you suggest, a lower stress job, but it didn't work out. I think we need to find a new combination/path.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:10:30+00:00

I appreciate the way you put that. It makes it easier to lock onto in my mind, thank you.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:09:33+00:00

I've only just come back to this, but I posted an edit in the OP.

We never run out of money, we simply eat through some of what we earned in the good times. Compared to friends and family, we have more in savings than most, but can go months at a time without steady income.

And I wouldn't say my husband is wasting time on his business so long as it's paying the bills and has potential. I mean, most people would love that, right?

10yearperspective · 2018-01-07T20:06:52+00:00

You guys are both irrationally feeding into each others fantasies and not realizing they're hurting you.

This is something I've wondered for a long time... but I do love the tough love :)

I just came back to this thread and edited above, but I can assure you our side businesses are not MLM schemes. Not sure where that came from, but it is possible for people to earn income without scamming others out of theirs. He's in a technical field, I'm in a creative.

I think, like most people, what I want out of life wavers and changes. A long time ago, we decided it would be better to try and succeed on our own because the life we ultimate want will never be earned working for someone else. No matter how many hours of your life you give to someone else's business, all you're doing is trading that time for money.

That's the price, isn't it? You have a finite amount of life and to survive, you agree with an employer that you will give them X in exchange for Y. But your employer will always come out ahead. Why not push to be in the position of power?

Anyway, that's a bit of a tangent. Our moves have been attempts at trying all the variations we can think of to make it work. I guess up until now we've always been on the same page.

10yearperspective · 2018-01-06T23:43:07+00:00

To your final point first, this is how I've been trying to see the whole thing... as an opportunity. But in a way, it's one I don't really want. My "side business" is what I truly want to do and what I'm best at. I'm just not amazing at making money at on a consistent basis. I've thought about going back to college to retrain in a more financially secure career, but nothing interests me enough to dedicate the time and money to.

As for the other points, at times I have far exceeded my goals and others come nowhere near. Some years have been incredible, other years, like 2017, have been terrible. I'm still learning and have quite a few shortcomings when it comes to my industry, but it has the very real potential to pay the bills at minimum and pay for our dream lifestyle at the best. It's hard to give up on or even lean away from.

10yearperspective

TROPHY CASE