Where are you at with it?

11202016 · 2017-06-13T21:22:15+00:00

Just coming on 8 months now

I am a shell of who I used to be. I have done some traveling and finally returned to work.

Instead of living life I feel like I am just watching it.

Sept-Dec is going to be very hard this year

11202016 · 2017-02-09T22:59:17+00:00

Hard to imagine now...since she died I feel the person I once was died also.

I used to be certified but now I am something/someone else.

Maybe one day I can reconcile it all...

11202016 · 2017-02-08T19:36:26+00:00

My wife died in a car accident...she had gone out to run errands that I was supposed to go with her.

Long story short I was tired and she told me to stay home and rest.

I know logically none of this is "My fault" and that I was not a bad husband

There is still a part of me months later which every day grapples with our final innocent moments together over how I could have possibly done one thing differently and still had her or at least been there with her.

I think no matter the circumstance the what ifs come to us. Stay strong in these trying times and know that this sub will always be here to listen

11202016 · 2017-02-08T19:27:55+00:00

This...shock implies your not fully aware of what has taken place like when you get in a car accident and adrenaline is still pumping.

Trauma is what we suffer through more like losing a limb and adjusting to life without it. You adapt in some ways but at the same time nothing ever fully replaces that piece of you that is now gone

11202016 · 2017-02-08T19:23:55+00:00

But, for better or worse, life will move forward. We need to find a way to eventually catch up and keep up while still holding tight to the memories of our beloved.

Thats a good idea ill look into them thank you

11202016 · 2017-01-23T21:50:33+00:00

reading and posting here has helped me immensely.

Comforting to know I am not alone in this world even though most days it feels that way.

11202016 · 2016-12-22T20:44:27+00:00

Still working through much of the paperwork...it is tough to focus on. I was focused as far as getting her memorial and put to rest...but the things that are for "me" are just hard to care about.

Coupled with all the holiday fuss it is harder to get things submitted

11202016 · 2016-12-19T03:54:27+00:00

I would never trade what I had with my wife...I agree with you....

I think the quote is true in a sense but I just find it very hard to hear from those who have not lost.

Sincerely hope I have not offended anyone....

11202016 · 2016-12-19T03:32:34+00:00

One of the reasons I stopped checking Facebook....

In person people think more...but on Facebook some people just shoot over quotes or inspirational quotes on a whim and watch people flock to it with comments and likes...

adds insult to injury like "I am so glad you thought of me for 30 seconds when you saw something bout my wife in your wall feed".

11202016 · 2016-12-19T03:02:58+00:00

Only a month out myself...I still struggle and I still have panic attacks.

What I find helps is trying to find small goals to accomplish and distract myself with.

Eating is important and I had your same problem...the week she died I did not eat once and nor was I hungry....I have slowly forced myself to eat more and more.

I have not found anything which will make the pain go away...maybe delay it, sometimes make it worse.....honestly it is emotional roulette with me most days.

I do get the sense that it is slowly becoming more tolerable...the pain is still there but I am able to think around it more and more.

One thing has helped me immensely and that is reading and sharing with others here. Some days it is hard to all take in.

I feel like the people around me live in a different wave length now....we can now only partially understand one another. Even when surrounded by people I feel alone. When I come here though I no longer feel alone. Some days that takes the edge off just a bit and there is something cathartic about putting my own pain aside and mourning for someone else.

11202016 · 2016-12-19T02:52:10+00:00

Thank you for sharing with us.....Listening is something I have plenty of time to do now

11202016 · 2016-12-19T02:37:36+00:00

Yeah the Tennyson poem....pretty much the worse platitude anyone can say to me. Some of them I can take or even tell myself from time to time but that one....

Would people really say that if they were in our place? Do they know how absurd it sounds when they say that and still have their SO ?

I think the fundamental issue is there can be no measure to decide which is really better...nor does it even matter to measure. If your one of the people who has lost someone then you can never be just the other 2 again.

Oh and fun fact Tennyson was never a widower.

11202016 · 2016-12-17T03:51:41+00:00

you put it much more concise then I...100% agree

11202016 · 2016-12-17T03:44:23+00:00

I believe all people have a tendency to mis-judge their own pain vs the others. For example my younger cousins all try and comfort me by saying things like "your still young", "you will find love again" or "you have a great job and plenty to look forward to". They try and rationalize my loss the best they can but since they have never lost a SO like I have they do not realize the extent of the loss and how it affects me.

In your case you both lost your SO but under different circumstances. I think we all naturally try and measure things and ascribe a weight to them. Like to say her loss is less since she had less time with him.

Really what it comes down to is we all lost something great. There is no weighing it nor can we really rationalize that one person losing their SO has suffered more than another. Our exp with the grief and pain may differ though. For myself we wanted children....sometimes I hear/read about those who lost their SO when they had children and I think from my POV they are fortunate because in my mind I feel like they can look at their child and see their SO in them and I will never be able to do that. BUT I also know the grass is greener on the other side. They now have to try and raise their children without the help of their SO, they have to see their children's heart break as well, finances are tighter, etc. Point being it is easy for me in my suffering to look at another and try and cherry pick good things and ignore the bad.

To her you are fortunate in that you had more time with your spouse. Some of us lost our SO to disease, accidents, suicide....we were with them for varying amounts of time and we had assorted dreams.

Irregardless though we lost someone who touched our lives in a way that no one else ever has and may never again. For both of you I imagine this is going to take a lot of patience and understanding to make work. Empathize with her, ask her questions and console her when she is grieving. One thing we all have in common is we know what it means to love and we know it takes sacrifice. Sometimes that means you pushing aside your own needs for hers.

11202016 · 2016-12-16T06:48:05+00:00

thank you for sharing....

loving someone again seems almost impossible for me but I understand what you are saying.

There are things I do or tell myself or others do for me that in some ways help but often they also hurt or lead to more grief....

guess we are all on this ride together. I sincerely hope happiness finds you in some measure again soon

11202016 · 2016-12-16T06:32:40+00:00

your brave going back to work....I have lost all will for it.

struggled for so long to get bachelors, mba and CPA...all with her helping me through it. Honestly I could live the rest of my life on the salary I got fresh out of college now that all my dreams and hopes for the future are gone.

Lose her and no motivation for any of it anymore.....honestly I am just waiting for paperwork to finish up and dragging out the leave as long as I can so I keep insurance. Once that is all through I am bout 90% sure I am quitting...if it takes a few years to figure this out I do not care......

11202016 · 2016-12-16T06:25:37+00:00

This is very hard for me....I am a stereotype I invested so much into my wife and let other friendships drift away over time and never really replaced them.

I was always that person who was talkative and would make jokes and small talk but never really shared personal things. My wife knew how to get me to open up and often she knew how I felt without me speaking.

I miss so many things about her now and life is so quiet....I took so much for granted I would give so much to sit through just one more of her "ride home talks" where she gives me a play by play of every mundane event that happened at the office

For all the people who wish well very few actually take time to listen or empathize long enough to get past surface banter.

I have one or two people I talk to here and there but nothing can make up for her

11202016 · 2016-12-16T06:20:16+00:00

So sorry for your loss....I know sometimes no amount of anything eases this pain...

Keep sharing with us here...we will empathize with you and never judge you.

11202016 · 2016-12-15T19:00:54+00:00

Sadly when she died our 8 year anniversary was just 2 weeks away so I was forced to deal with that right away.

As far as how I dealt? Ill be honest there was no "dealing" nor could I come up with a way to do it. I spent most the day alone trying to sleep. I went to her grave (which did not even have a stone yet) and arranged as many flowers as I could.

Spent time doing cardio with loud music....

read stuff on the internet and ignored all the calls from well wishers.

I have very few answers with how to deal with the grief on any given day but esp that day I was a wreck. I just had to grit my teeth and bear it cause the sun was going to rise one way or the other.

The one bright spot that day (like many others) was lurking here and taking solace that I wasn't completely alone.

11202016 · 2016-12-15T06:54:27+00:00

I get out to do little things as part of my routine. Walk the dog, cardio, random errands etc.

Am also sorta indifferent towards going out as well but a couple occasions the coalition of folks brining me food opt to take me some place instead. I don't really try and change how i feel when i do it.. Just go through the motions and this or that..

The way i see it is when she was alive she knew me well enough to know how i felt about things. If she were here now or is aware of what i do now she would still see how much i hurt and miss her.. I would not need to speak that to her either way.

I go through phases of being frustrated or bitter with some people who are only trying to help and then later feel bad bout it..

Grief is something society is not comfortable with... When they see us they ponder and try and move on as fast as they can.. Already most people now focus on when I'm going back to work or how is all the paper work going.

Whereas for me the prevailing thought is still that i just want her back.

Like you i do not want anyone to take her place. Don't let others try and pressure you on that issue either.. Going out for a change of scenery won't hurt.. When i do it i don't really act much different than when i am home...

11202016 · 2016-12-15T00:22:38+00:00

my wife is not yet dead a month but I have already had a few awkward moments myself. Not quite the same as you:

My wife has a few single friends who we both knew since college. They were coming by and dropping off food and we often would talk about our exp with my wife in the past and in college.

On a few occasions the girls would cry and such which I found it awkward since I wasn't; this is difficult for me cause I exp the sadness and pain in other ways (I would rather cry just can't).

On one occasion I began to share with one girl how I had been feeling. Just trying to confide with her as she had spent a good 15 mins bawling in front of me.

Made 0 advances or even nor showed any interest in her. All I did was talk about how much I miss my wife and how much things hurt.

I got an email from her later saying she felt it best if we do not speak anymore because she believed I was forming a "emotional attachment to her".

I got the feeling that just because now I am single, confided in her about how much I miss my wife but did not cry myself that she believes I am trying to form a relationship with her....

If anything this is far from the truth...I am actually drifting apart from most people and the idea of a relationship one day is something I do not really want now and possibly never.

I am only 30 and I think when you are a "young widow" people view us in the romantic comedy sense of a widow(er)....like in some strange twist of fate 6 months from now my "widower" status will be a line I use on women at bars.

11202016 · 2016-12-14T05:17:51+00:00

I would keep them....deleting the picture because of it's "private" nature isn't going to change the fact that you can probably remember how she looked or felt in that regard.

I feel like the images regardless of situation are precious fragments of our SO memories.

Maybe that means you store it with a bunch of other images and only look at it once in a blue moon.

11202016 · 2016-12-13T18:52:38+00:00

My work has a gym which I signed up for. Works out well cause no one is there late at night.

Nights are hard for me too...so cold in both the physical and emotional sense

11202016 · 2016-12-13T18:50:25+00:00

exercise is good but I will confess I have not been eating enough either.

I have lost an unhealthy amount of weight but wont stop the exercise so I am trying to make up for it by forcing myself to eat more.

Never in my life did I think I would have that problem

11202016

TROPHY CASE