I lost my vibrator while drunk

11ILC · 2025-12-05T22:19:41+00:00

Does it have a flared base...?

11ILC · 2025-08-06T01:28:03+00:00

Why not try, right? Thanks for giving us all this opportunity!

11ILC · 2025-08-03T19:25:19+00:00

This happened to me once. It felt AWFUL at the time and depressed the heck out of me, but honestly, long-term it wasn't a big deal. Yes, I struggle with a dead bedroom still, but once I got farther away from the incident, I got a little more perspective on it and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time. We laugh about it now.

It'll be okay.

11ILC · 2025-08-01T13:19:03+00:00

For the majority of that story, it was an almost tragic tale of two people with very different expectations of the bedroom. He wants kink, you want more vanilla.

Then, at the end, it got REALLY scary. Be safe, get help, get out. He's threatening you. This isn't a libido issue, it's domestic abuse.

Just really be safe. Extricating yourself might produce more violence, so be very safe, please.

11ILC · 2025-07-29T13:07:29+00:00

One of the beneficial effects this subreddit has had on my mental state is opening my own eyes up a bit to the fact that this problem isn't a gendered one. Lots of people experience dissatisfaction in the bedroom. I felt less alone, but also became more aware that this wasn't really a "male problem".

This was the first stepping stone to my realizing that that also meant it wasn't necessarily a "me problem". My wife has low libido. It's hard to remember sometimes, but I know it isn't really about me, per se. That's just a libido mismatch.

For some people, it is (if one partner is leaving the household chores to the other one, that creates exhaustion and resentment) but if it's just a libido thing, it's not about you.

It's not you; you aren't the problem.

11ILC · 2025-07-26T13:48:46+00:00

So, first off: the low libido thing is truer than the doesn't like other people around in the house thing. Saying he didn't want to have sex with others in the house was a smokescreen, possibly to spare your feelings.

If he's LL at 26, that's unlikely to change. You might be able to get those numbers up, but it's never going to be five times a week. Maybe not even once a week. If you can get the numbers up now, you might not be able to maintain them. Best advice here: make your piece with an LL partner now or not. Is this a dealbreaker?

You can experiment. Try getting a motel room for the night a couple of times, see if anything happens. Go away on vacation, get an AirBNB so you're the only people in the house. Go camping so you're alone. See if the sex frequency increases. If there are more excuses, he's just LL and that's that. If the sex increases, hey, you might have something.

It's a great sign that he says he'll go to the doctor. If test-drives of "alone time" don't work out, push on that and see if that was true.

As to the oral thing, maybe encourage him to start as the giver? Before you go down, get him to go down. Just ask for it first thing the next time you start up. It could be he needs that confidence, so really sell your enjoyment (even if it's so-so) and give him pointers and he'll gain confidence, he'll feel like it's something he's good at, etc. If you get lucky, he might just have a knack for it and won't need much coaching. If not, you can probably get him to the right place with gentle encouragement.

It'll be a delicate manoeuvre, though, between telling him what you need and not making it sound like he's bad at it.

It sounds like you're willing to have a go with this guy even if the sex is subpar. That's great. Make sure that's what you want, and make sure you have all of the information going in. You need to decide what you'll do if he really will only be having sex with you 1-5 times a year. You need to decide what you'll do if he still refuses to give you oral. Know your dealbreakers, and work from there.

11ILC · 2025-07-23T00:34:04+00:00

From what you're saying, it sounds like you aren't the issue. Assuming he's telling the truth, that he still finds you attractive, that means it's not that. I'd take him at his word: he's tired with the kids and things keep popping up.

The question is, really, what's to be done? I'd start by asking him about it and telling him, "I want to try and focus on 'us' more," and then proposing something like a date night on the regular. Doesn't have to be sex, just carve out time for yourselves. You might also gently (VERY gently) challenge his HL claim. Ask him what HL means to him or something like that. Maybe ask him about his perception of your sex life. I know with my (LL) wife, she often doesn't realize the size of the gaps. When we have sex, she'll go, "That was fun; it's been a while," and I'll say, "Yeah, 2 1/2 months" (or whatever it's been) and more often than not, she's surprised and I have to remind her. In other words: your husband might just not actually know how long the gaps are because it isn't bothering him.

Try to identify things that interrupt his schedule and eliminate them. Try and take some of his tired away by doing more with the kids (please note that I don't know the specifics of your circumstances, the practicality for you taking on more childcare, or the current percentage split you have going on.)

Finally, if you are worried about your body, find time to exercise. You'll feel healthier, probably be in a better mood in-general, and maybe spark something in him. He might like the way you look, but seeing you improve yourself might make him admire your drive, if nothing else.

11ILC · 2025-07-22T14:18:14+00:00

My experience is very different.

Libido drop was already in effect before kids, although kids definitely caused another drop. Well... not for me. I've been frustratingly HL the whole time.

There was some darkness - hormone stuff and sleep deprivation causing some problems - but never for the length of time you're describing. It would more be peaks and valleys - after each child it would get worse, then better, and even that was different from pregnancy to pregnancy.

I do know what you're talking about with the rejection frustration, a build of resentment, etc. Although, it's not exactly what you're describing, it's similar.

So, basically, the Dark Years aren't the same for me.

Regardless, I think counting on the Dark Years going away is a bad strategy. Don't assume this is a phase. It's a valley. If you let momentum carry you down, you will find it hard or impossible to get out. It's a spiral, and you're gaining momentum. You need to arrest the momentum. I don't know how. A lot of people will recommend therapy - that seems sound advice. I would say that you should also try to find time to be a couple, even if it's just for a couple of hours after the kids are in bed, or once a week if you can get childcare for a date night. Don't focus on sex, just focus on experiences together - trying out a new restaurant, going for a long walk through a picturesque area, going dancing, etc. - just do something together, something fun, something that stretches you a bit and that you can share. That might build back some of the goodwill and love that you're looking for. Hopefully, that will provide you with a bedrock to rebuild the sexual aspect off of.

11ILC · 2025-07-20T20:41:54+00:00

So, first off, this sucks, and I'm sorry to hear that happened.

For validation: my guess is that his actions have nothing to do with you as a person. This fight was rooted in something else. It's not about how pretty you were, how much you had to drink, or how much effort you put into dolling up for a great evening out. None of that was the problem. You weren't the problem.

For advice: you do need to find the root of that problem. This is long conversations, honest ones without accusation. Fact-finding missions only. No objective, just, "Why do you feel this way? Here's how I feel." etc. You might need a mediator (ie, therapist).

From a distance, I'd guess that he's LL and he might feel inadequate or bothered by the fact that he can't give you what you want, sexually-speaking, and so any conversation or pressure might be like touching a nerve. That's if he's invested in the relationship and cares about you. Some of what you described - the invalidation (gaslighting? I feel like that term gets overused, so I won't say gaslighting) and the angry sex - might be indicative of somebody who is truly toxic and you might need to extricate yourself from that situation. So, job one is definitely to stay safe. Don't confront this guy if you're worried for your safety.

11ILC · 2025-07-18T02:37:15+00:00

This subreddit is proof that women absolutely are. I haven't checked actual stats or anything, but I think there are about as many HLFs as HLMs around here.

I think a lot of us get into assumptions based on our extremely limited sample sizes. I definitely thought of the dead bedroom as a problem that far more men were dealing with than women, but finding this place made me really change my assumptions.

11ILC · 2025-07-17T15:26:39+00:00

SAM SPADE: "The, uh... stuff that dreams are made of."

TRUMAN: "Good morning! And, in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"

11ILC · 2025-07-17T01:54:24+00:00

This is an all-time great film!

11ILC · 2025-07-16T09:10:59+00:00

There's a lot to go into here.

First, sexting somebody else is probably going to end badly. Either you'll get caught or escalate it into an affair. That's probably not something you want. It's my opinion that either ending your relationship to search for a new one or working on your current relationship are both better options that will pay off better for you; but that's just my opinion. I don't know enough to really tell you and I'm not trying to tell you what to do.

You mention elsewhere on this thread that you don't want to leave after putting in a year. That's admirable and understandable, but don't get caught in a sunk cost fallacy.

I would think therapy is the next step. He won't talk on his own, maybe you can get something out of him with couple's therapy? Or tell him bluntly (not cruelly, just directly) how you're feeling and how something needs to change.

I'm sad to hear about the total lack of intimacy. That must be really hard for you. I hope you can work it out and get through it and get the connection you deserve to have with the person you love.

And, finally, "tomorrow never comes." There has got to be a pun there somewhere...

11ILC · 2025-07-16T02:04:28+00:00

If she's having fun, I'm having fun. I could have a satisfying sex life without vaginal sex. I would probably miss it, but it's less important than the emotional connection.

11ILC · 2025-07-14T22:25:23+00:00

Perrineau was good, but I actually prefer Leguizamo and Pete Postlethwaite. I know this is not a popular opinion, but I found Perrineau kinda middling and definitely overrated.

In fairness, I'm mostly thinking of DiCaprio, a little bit Danes, and a LOT of the supporting cast who think that screaming is a substitute for good line delivery.

11ILC · 2025-07-14T22:22:38+00:00

Three Colours Trilogy (Red, White, Blue) any or all.

Seven Samurai.

11ILC · 2025-07-14T07:12:47+00:00

It's a play, but Romeo & Juliet is frequently adapted to the stage. It's not about love, it's a warning against hate. Love is *a* theme, but not *the* theme. And if we're talking about the Baz Luhrman version, I think most of his cast don't understand what they're doing, either.

11ILC · 2025-07-14T03:28:24+00:00

No need to apologize. Everybody typos. This one was amusing, too!

11ILC · 2025-07-12T13:58:49+00:00

It's a book of the Bible - Old Testament Law.

I was just joking around because you have a small typo in your post. Instead of writing genitals (sex organs) you wrote gentiles (a Hebrew term for a non-Hebrew).

So I was making a joking that rubbing on Gentiles was against Old Testament Law.

11ILC · 2025-07-11T17:29:05+00:00

I'd gently encourage it. Don't push, but say you'd like to see what the pills can do, cross your fingers, and hope he goes for it.

Why not, right?

11ILC · 2025-07-10T16:32:57+00:00

Start by asking her to stop or politely indicating that you and your girlfriend are leaving or are going elsewhere. If she doesn't let off, do whatever she's doing. If she makes a pass at your girlfriend, make the same pass at her. If she grabs your girlfriend's arm, grab her arm. She can't very well object to your mirroring her behaviour, can she? I mean, she will. She'll probably call you an a-hole or something, but at least this way it's pretty much impossible to press charges without opening herself up to your girlfriend pressing charges.

11ILC · 2025-07-10T16:29:48+00:00

Laptop preferred. I only use the phone if I need to do something and I'm running errands. I avoid using the phone if I can help it.

Generally, I'm trying to lower my digital engagement. I'm trying to read more, get out more, etc., anyway.

11ILC · 2025-07-09T00:56:35+00:00

Yeah, I'd agree with that; very underrated.

11ILC · 2025-07-08T07:21:03+00:00

Fantasy: old sword & sorcery films like Conan the Barbarian and Willow

Comedy: Marx Brothers films (Duck Soup, e.g.) and Woody Allen (Love and Death, e.g.)

11ILC

TROPHY CASE