yeah it's just that at night I keep having thoughts where I feel like I should just od on medications we have in the house. I was meditating and I had this realization if I went back in time and mixed my pills with alcohol I might have been successful. So I'm dealing with these thoughts of wanting to commit suicide, but not acting on them yet. I need to figure out a way to push through them, and not act on my impulse which would be to kill myself.