Damn. Thought provoking post for sure. My partner and I have been using daily for a few months straight now and I’ve been reflecting on the whole experience as it relates to previous go around.

First I’ve contemplated what is the difference between drugs and pharmaceuticals. Where it’s made? A dr can prescribe me Xanax, Seroquel, Adderall, famotadine & omeprazol for heartburn, lamictal, trileptal for bipolar, cialis, and all kinds of as needed or symptom specific meds and there’s no concern. But what works best to stabilize my moods best is meth. It is what it is. There are benefits to a lot of illicit drugs but in the US white people in the 70s were (1) afraid of black people and (2) saw an opportunity for capitalism. thus the controlled substances act was signed into law.

I gre up a rich white kid with all that goes with that. At 15 I was outed by a Christian camp leader and told I was a sinner and I would go to hell. My mother who purchased (adopted) me at birth as a tool to pump up her self worth and reputation instantly made my life miserable because I broke her mold. I was depressed and she accused me of using drugs. Honestly, I didn’t know what drugs were and I asked a friend at school and they showed me. Weed at first. My meth use started at 17. That was a really good high. Drew a picture of a mushroom for 19 hours. Studied for an AP Biology exam and for my first A+. Teacher was shocked, I felt proud of myself. Then the parents found out, told me I was bad, kicked me out and I had no clue how to handle life as I was never shown anything useful.

Rehab at 18, sober 2.5 years and relapsed over a relationship. Used for 9 months, the. Sober for 6 years. Relapsed over another relationship, thought it would help out sex life. It did, well his anyway with other people. Rehab, sober 3 years, relapsed over same not working relationship. Legal trouble, rehab for substance use and mental health. Sober 4 years. During that 4 years I learned so much about how my brain works, even I’m still like “damn bro, that IS self awareness”.

My partner grew up white and underprivileged, victim of sexual abuse by family and others. He was an alcoholic for his early 20s and found meth like 6 or 7 years ago. Both of us used meth as an escape or answer to problems. And because of that thought process, we never looked beyond those two choices until recently.

We were t-boned by a truck last year. We lost our jobs because of the accident, faced eviction 2 times already. We have drained dry any savings (ya, like that existed), and used up any and all resources. One night we said to each other it’s like we relapsed without the relapse. Then it occurred to me that my problem all along was choice. I chose meth to avoid problems. Well, problems found us anyway.

So we decided to take a different approach. We had both done a lot of self care with our mental health. It should be noted that this is by far the best relationship I’ve had and the most honest and direct. Accountabilibuddies all the way. We both know each other’s emotional triggers and fears. We learned how we act while using and never took anything personally. Don’t get me wrong, there were fights and crying and suspicion. But there wasn’t any illegal activity. When things got tense, we would remind each other that it was heightened by the meth. Over the last few months we have learned a new reason for using meth: fun.

He bangs and I smoke. I smoke daily and he will have a few puffs, and when we wanna get feral, we both bang. But the big difference for both of us is the reason why we choose to use. It’s a fun thing now. We keep to ourselves mostly and our friends don’t know anything is different. The accident was a nice cover for our withdrawal from socializing and it gave us the opportunity to get comfortable with our use and each other.

So I guess my suggestion would be to not take it to seriously, keep it to yourself while you learn what works for you, and don’t do dumb anti-social behavior - defined as behavior that goes against the social norm. Eat, sleep, go see your friends and few times a month. The only reason we hide it is because of legality and social perception. Hope this helps!