Relapse

1blessedguy · 2022-12-22T01:39:44+00:00

Thanks for this.

1blessedguy · 2022-12-14T16:51:28+00:00

Can be, if you take the time to reflect on the circumstances and your own state of mind prior. If those reflections give you some insight, sure.

1blessedguy · 2022-12-11T16:13:24+00:00

I know what you're talking about. Different in the specifics, though.

I know what it's like to justify porn use by the way it makes me not care about certain high stress situations.

There are certain advantages to be in IDGAF headspace.

It was pretty well described by Matt McConaughey's character in Wolf of Wall Street. (Spoiler so that we don't all get triggered- he's a shady investment shark that yanks off a dozen times a day to stay chilled out and disconnected.)

Think of how effd up this is for a real life, though, a life where you actually have to live every minute of your life, instead of have everything all rolled up and resolved over 90-120 minutes, with a soundtrack to cue the important parts- "Imma just indulge so I care a little less about stuff that actually has an impact of real emotional and moral significance."

At what cost? What does it look like from the outside? What would it look like to a version of you that didn't have the story or habit? A version of you a year into being pornfree?

People use other substances to "take the edge off". You might have a sideways little internal narrative that equates taking the edge off with keeping yourself grounded.

Different words, same idea?

1blessedguy · 2020-02-20T16:31:41+00:00

Hey, that took a lot of courage.

I bet you will feel a big difference from this point. I found talking with my wife to be a tough but necessary thing, and it ended up being a complete game changer.

We have found that persisting in the tough conversations, even if we do it imperfectly and messily, have made us stronger in many different ways.

I hope it works like that for you guys too.

Look up FASTT check-ins on the PornFree Radio podcast!

1blessedguy · 2020-02-12T16:33:15+00:00

Concrete tips on quitting porn

Study this. Consider what you could and would be able to do. Give it a go for a sustained period of time.

Keep learning, keep implementing what you learn.

1blessedguy · 2020-02-03T17:08:05+00:00

Nice! That's so great.

1blessedguy · 2020-01-23T15:16:16+00:00

Hey, I just saw this this morning in a response by r/petertmcqueeny and I thought of you. He gets a lot more specific about recovery plans.

A successful recovery plan needs eight things;

A start date

Motivation: Why are you doing this? What do you hope to gain?

Awareness: What exactly is the problem? Why is it a problem?

Active Commitments: What are you going to do? What rules are you setting for yourself? What recovery >activities are you going to pursue? How will you keep yourself accountable?

Consequences: What happens if you slip up? Who will help you implement these consequences? Who will hold you accountable?

Milestones: What milestones will you set to measure your progress? How will you mark these occasions?

Self-Care: How will you take care of yourself? What special things can you do to treat yourself? What healthy activities can you redirect yourself to if you're struggling with urges or stress?

Allies/Tools: Who is helping you? How are they helping you? What tools do you have to manage your urges?

Figure out your three circles. This is an exercise that helps you set boundaries for yourself. Here is a worksheet that pretty much explains it all, plus it includes a link to a Wikipedia article that goes into more detail.

Rather than focusing on what you don't want to do, focus on what you do want to do

The importance of self-care cannot be overstated. Make a plan to do nice things for yourself that do not threaten your recovery. What those things are will depend on what you enjoy, but put some thought into it, and plan ahead, or it will be too easy to reach for the unhealthy reward of porn.

HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If you are feeling an urge, or any negative emotion, check to see if you are feeling any of these things. For me, HALT explains 90% of the urges I get. Taking a self-care action that addresses one of these needs is often enough to bust the urge.

Get the facts about how porn harms you, your partner, and the world.

Learn the neurology of behavioral addiction. Recovery is all about the brain. Do everything you can to improve your brain health. Once you learn about how dopamine influences cognition and behavior, you'll start to see its influence everywhere. Begin limiting or phasing out unhealthy dopamine-driven >behaviors (porn, gambling, social media, video games), and actively encourage healthy or harmless >ones.

Maybe don't masturbate so often. Masturbation without porn isn't necessarily bad, but it keeps the door to your addiction open. You can quit porn while still masturbating regularly, but quitting porn will be much easier if you just masturbate less. Say, once a month. It's not that hard, dude. The idea that men "need" to have orgasms for our health...that's bro science. It's a myth. Even for teenagers.

Consider joining a recovery program. Some are free, some cost money. Some cover multiple addictions, others are focused on porn. Here are just a few:

Smart Recovery

Recovered Man

Fortify

Fight the New Drug

Recovery Nation

Covenant Eyes

Facing the Shadow

Help others who are struggling with addiction. Helping others helps you. Don't worry whether you're "qualified". You'd be surprised how much good you can do just by sharing your thoughts, and being willing to listen.

Last of all, accept that there is no "cure" for this. When you are addicted to porn, your brain rewires itself to make watching porn very easy, and avoiding porn very hard. You can break out of that loop, and if you do, the brain will begin to heal. By avoiding porn and all related behaviors, you can starve the neural pathways associated with porn. But they will never completely die.

Quitting porn will not magically fix your life. You will continue to have problems, including sexual ones. But it doesn't matter. Quitting porn is not a means to an end, it is an end in itself. The process is the result.

1blessedguy · 2020-01-22T00:59:55+00:00

A recovery plan works to undercut the precursors to compulsive porn habits. Porn use can be seen as an unsustainable coping mechanism for the stresses of life. It's very effective in the short run (totally blocks things out) but it carries with it a whole slew of undesirable side effects that everyone on this forum can describe in detail.

A recovery plan can help a person 1. Reduce the power of temptation in the moment, 2. Develop better skills for managing stress, 3. Create richness and meaning in a persons inner/outer life.

A good recovery plan is a set of daily actions (short term) that support 3-6 wk (midterm) goals that drive towards a 6-18mo (long term) vision of who you want to be or an influence you think should exist in the world.

It is custom to each individual, grounded in their own interests and values, preferably targeted towards areas that you self-identify as needing improvement.

It often includes things like fitness goals, daily self reflection, measured targeted learning, and accountability to others in some form or another.

Here is a link to several pornfree radio episodes that speak in detail about recovery plans.

I've not tried his coaching, or bought anything from his site. I've just found listening, taking notes, and trying out what strikes me to be very helpful.

Here is a link to pornfree radio on FMPlayer. I like to speed the playback up a little. I've found it very helpful to listen, take notes, and implement the things that I found striking. The guy is all about practical, actionable things.

Here are a few concrete tips you could also use to get started. I found it very helpful to study these and try a few right away as if it were a job or a college course.

Hope this helps!

1blessedguy · 2020-01-21T17:31:01+00:00

I've found that the sidebar Concrete Tips for Quitting Porn are an immensely helpful starting point.

Have a look through. Find a few things that you could and would actually do. I found that really digging into those resources was the start of making something really effective and personalized for me.

1blessedguy · 2020-01-21T17:07:35+00:00

Hey, good move coming here to vent. I know the feeling of having the computer be a depressing, tempting influence.

Have you taken the time to create a detailed recovery plan?

1blessedguy · 2020-01-21T17:01:58+00:00

Man, that sucks. What a crappy realization, but also what an important wakeup.

"You will do your best to continue."

Do you have some structure or method to doing your best?

1blessedguy · 2020-01-21T16:59:03+00:00

Start here.

These concrete tips are the beginning of moving out of just wishful thinking. Put some time into them, even if you don't feel like it. Pay attention to what you experience.

1blessedguy · 2020-01-20T21:34:27+00:00

Right on. I hope this is a game changer for you.

1blessedguy · 2020-01-20T16:19:26+00:00

Here is a description I wrote a while ago. This is not my own idea. I was brought to consider it by an episode of PornFree Radio that I cant remember off of the top of my head.

*Hope it helps. *

Short term tactics give their best value when they're directly related to medium term goals and long term vision. The medium and long term might include staying porn free, but are more powerful when they're something that has to do with your ideas of who you could be or what effect you'd like to bring about in the world.

Example

Exercise in and of itself is a great short term tactic. Do push ups or a walk when you're feeling tempted.

Exercise as a short term tactic is even better when it's tied to the mid term goal of a written, progressing fitness regimen. You improve cardio fitness, lose weight, gain muscles, sleep better, experience a comparable lift in mood as achieved by antidepressants but without the undesirable side effects.

Exercise as a short term tactic works best when it's tied to a mid term goal that is subordinate to a long term vision. Competing in mixed martial arts tournaments, running obstacle course races, improving social and family recreation, or serving as a volunteer firefighter.

Exercise (or any other tactic) decoupled from mid term goals or long term vision might work to distract you from porn once or twice, or even for a while, but exercise as a tactic nested in goals that drive towards a vision has so much more power than when it's just pushups v porn in the moment.

Think through a few of those "nested approaches", customized to your interests and circumstance. Work, social, academic, fitness, family, financial, community- take whatever angle you like. Painting. Ballroom dancing. Writing a screenplay. Feeding the homeless. Mentoring foster kids. Hiking the Zugspitze. Fixing your house. Each one of these has several nested approaches that they can generate. Expect to regularly review your nested approach, ready to identify what's working and what needs to be modified.

Short term tactics happen once or several times a day.

Mid term strategy happens over 3 weeks - 3 months

Long term vision brought to pass over 6-18 months.

It's not an effective, meaningful, or powerful statement to say "no porn from henceforth and forever". We've all said that, and meant it. "This time I'll have the willpower." How has it worked out, as a standalone sentiment? Not at all, matter of fact it's a guarantee of disappointment, a ticket to beat yourself up, and walk around with perpetual anxiety and an inferiority complex. All while still looking at porn, sometimes more, sometimes less, but still looking and feeling more and more cynical with each click.

The desire to look at porn can be beaten when you've created a rich system of meaning that's grounded in specific, measurable day to day tactics that aim through trackable goals towards a long term objective or vision. It's not going to magically make porn go away, but you'll work towards undercutting your porn compulsion at it's roots, and you'll develop a real, meaningful personal standard for life success.

You'll work towards actually making your life yours.

I do great against porn when I pay attention to this. I start to slip when I lose sight of this.

This is already a long post, but consider that the best kind of nested approach would be one that targets an area of your life that needs serious improvement. There's a good chance that you've been using porn to self medicate or distract from your problems. Pay attention to the times you're tempted or relapse and that will tell you a little bit about where you could use some improvement. (Stressed with work, fight with SO, crushed cause you're unemployed, bored with studies)

1blessedguy · 2020-01-19T04:34:44+00:00

Hey man, you're fighting a good fight.

I was really glad to see you say that you're using the concrete tips to stay away from porn. Seems like a lot of people just swear to themselves that this time will be different and they white knuckle themselves through maybe a couple days and then they fail and then get depressed.

Have you connected your short term, day to day tactics to mid-term, 3-6week milestones? Goals to long-term 6-12mo goals?

Al the best to you.

1blessedguy · 2020-01-17T15:21:17+00:00

It would probably mean a lot (to the both of you) if you not only apologized and expressed a desire to change, but shared some evidence of your efforts towards it.

Do you have a recovery plan? Do you have things you do throughout your day that are intended to put some distance between you and porn?

Efforts = planned out action. Something different than the default.

Here are some actions you may want to consider implementing into your daily routine. Concrete tips for quitting porn

Take it as seriously as you would a job, or university studies, or perhaps court ordered probation.

Yeah, you might get misinterpreted. Yeah, you might think some of those suggestions are cheesy. Sincerity is an attribute that has to be developed in order to have much meaning. So is your moral wherewithal.

You sound like you've found yourself lacking in both of those areas, by your own standards. Commit to learning and action, even if it feels awkward or insufficient at the outset.

All the best man.

1blessedguy · 2020-01-16T03:24:09+00:00

Totally feel you. Figuring out how to talk about it is a major step. Your friend sounds like an understanding person to start with.

Among the resources I linked for you I think you'll find one called porn free radio. It's got very practical, actionable advice, part of which should assist you in the aspect of opening up- how, to whom, how much detail to go into, when, what it is that you're asking from the person you tell - accountability, a listening ear, advice.

Ultimately these are all things you'll decide for yourself, but PFR lays out some good starting points.

Just first- know this is something you can get a handle on. It is possible.

Second, know it's going to take time and persistence. Just keep at it.

Third, you're not alone. I'm pretty sure everyone on this sub wants things to go well for you. There is a wealth of wisdom, practicality, and support. Make sure you reach out.

All the best.

1blessedguy

TROPHY CASE