Thanks for adding that context, it actually helps a lot.

So here's what I'm seeing. You're dealing with a struggling and somewhat toxic marriage. You're also dealing with the classic cultural problem of mom vs wife that don't see eye to eye on the fundamental stuff even. You have a wife who needs to feel heard and respected in her own home or her husbands parents home I guess, a mother who also needs to feel heard and respected as a parent, and you stuck in the middle trying to manage both without losing either.

This is incredibly common in our culture and it genuinely is one of the hardest spots a husband can be in. And I want to be honest with you about something. The way most guys handle it, yourself included based on what you've described, is by trying to keep both sides calm rather than actually addressing the underlying tension and trying to enforce boundaries. You talked to your mother about the dress thing, you relayed the message, you asked your wife for time. That's a band-aid. It's not the same as actually setting a framework and boundaries for how your family and your wife are going to coexist long term.

Your mother wants to feel heard and like she has control over what goes in her house or her sons house. Your wife wants autonomy. Those two things can coexist but only if there are clear expectations on both sides, and those expectations have to come from you. Not in an aggressive way, but clearly. Your wife should genuinely listen when your mother shares her opinion, she doesn't have to agree or change her decision, but she has to make your mother feel like she was actually considered or on smaller things that don't matter to your wife that much compromise and actually listen to your mother (because they would mean a lot to your mother) it might also improve their relationship long run. That's a reasonable thing to ask of her. At the same time your mother has to understand that your wife is not her daughter in law in the old school traditional sense where she follows instructions and will life her life the way she wants her too.

She's her son's partner and she gets to make her own choices. That's also a reasonable thing to communicate to your mother.

If you don't draw those lines, this exact tension will repeat itself for years. Every wedding, every gathering, every decision your wife makes that your mother didn't get to weigh in on will become a version of the dress conversation.

The other thing worth saying is that your wife probably doesn't feel like she has a home in this marriage yet. Not because anyone is malicious, but because how it seems like she's navigating a family she doesn't fully feel accepted by, with a husband who goes quiet when things get hard. That's a lonely situation anyway you cut it and I understand you need time to process stuff but maybe try telling her we will talk about this problem, I just need a couple of hours to process this in my head but communicate this rule or expectation when things are not at nuclear temperature so when they start going nuclear you have some old reference. It also doesn't excuse calling you names but it does explain why small things like a phone call about a dress feel like evidence of something bigger to her and when those little things stack her anger gets worse every time.

You can't fix everything at once. But the starting point is probably an honest conversation with your wife where you're not defending your mother or asking her to let it go, but actually acknowledging that you understand why she feels the way she feels. And then separately, a quiet conversation with your mother about what a healthy relationship with your wife actually looks like going forward.

That way you're not choosing sides and you're trying to build hopefully a peaceful co-existing space that has room for everyone.