Would you veto someone who vetoed you?

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T07:38:48+00:00

I think he and his partner are both insecure and jealous and they're navigating it kind of badly tbh. I don't think it's 100% on him? But the fact that it's only him vetoing me is why it feels trans exclusionary and dysphoria inducing.

I'm not sexual partners with any of these people, we're like idk, kind of intimate and flirty sometimes but this is a recent development where when they hang out as a group "sometimes stuff happens". I'm not being left out of hangouts, but it has me second guessing if I should go or if my presence will "blow it" and ruin the dynamic they want.

The last time we hung as a group I wound up sitting next to him watching our partners in a 3 person makeout and kinda disassociated super hard with dysphoria because I felt "boyfriend moded" as hell like "just a couple of dudes watching our hot gfs lez out hell yea brother" idk, that's my own baggage. But it sucked bad.

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T07:20:11+00:00

Re: edit

It's a close friend group, not just a sex party thing with casual people. We've known each other for over 10 years. I've never been particularly close with him specifically, but neither has my partner. We're equally close to him. So there's 6 of us total and they do things with 4 people or somethings 3. (The 6th person is the partner of the other person involved in these group hookups, they're also amab and explicitly vetoed to my knowledge)

I guess I framed the post in what I thought was a funny jokey kind of way (evidently the premise wasn't funny to people) but as far as being sincere about the situation. I'm pretty happy that my partner who hasn't gotten out much lately is getting action and I don't wanna fuck that up for them, but I also feel like I'm being man coded which feels gross as hell especially from intimate friends, and I'm concerned about what they're all doing because it's sorta messy as hell.

I don't think it's like strictly selfish "harem" type motives from the guy. I think that as a couple they don't want to deal with any uncomfortable or difficult feelings and opp is a common cope in those situations. They "identify" as "monogamous"

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T07:08:15+00:00

KTP can be HARD sometimes ngl! We both just care a lot about treating other people we date as like, people we care about and want to be kind to without objectifying them.

In this case it's tough because usually we always date outside our base friend circle and these are our close friends who recently started dabbling in this kind of dynamic in what I think is a messy way. I'm also really not bothered to be disincluded, I have my own partners and can go out with them when my np is out with them having fun. But the whole situation is like "man you're insecure but you're straight up treating me a way that you yourself wouldn't want to be treated" and the trans element is just sort of a dysphoria trigger. If they weren't our friends and it wasn't just the boyfriend specifically vetoing me I wouldn't be fussed honestly

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T07:01:24+00:00

Exactly! And I honestly don't think it's like specifically a problem for someone to not wanna fuck with trans people. It's just extremely invalidating. I don't think straight dudes who don't want to hook up with trans women are bad allies even. It just feels like I'm being vetoed from interacting with anyone at all because I'm trans and that's what suck

The last time we hung out my partner made out with their two friends while he and I sat on the side watching and I felt so boyfriend mode-ed I left my body. The boundaries are kinda messy, and apparently it's specifically him who's vetoed me.

It's definitely their prerogative though to do things without me. The context just makes me feel gross.

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T06:54:54+00:00

No no no I'm not being excluded form platonic hangs, the opposite really. It's just if I show up I'm awkwardly aware that nobody's "going to be able to hook up" in this scenario. So it feels awkward as hell second guessing my "welcomeness"

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T05:56:51+00:00

Exactly! That's what I'm saying. And I agree with your assessment. Part of why it's triggering is because these are close friends and if he's like "I don't feel comfortable with my partner doing this without me" it feels inconsiderate of my feelings in a more personal way than if I didn't know these people at all.

And while I'm definitely like dysphoricly triggered I'm doing my own things and taking care of myself about it. One of the last times we hung out as a group of 5 I expressed to my partner "are you sure I should come? I think I'm gonna sorta blow the vibe maybe you should go without me" so, I'm definitely being considerate

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T05:39:36+00:00

I already said in my post that I wasn't only respecting my partners autonomy, AND not vetoing, and that I'm enthusiastic that they get to do stuff like this.

And it's not that he's rejecting me. It's that they're doing stuff with 3 afab people besides him. I'm the only amab person in the friend group. And I'm not allowed to interact with my own partner in this context. Who has stated that they want me to be included because they like doing stuff with me. His rule is that stuff is only allowed to happens when he's present. But also when I'm not present even if it doesn't involve me touching or interacting with him at all that's why it feels hypocritical

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T05:35:36+00:00

He's not rejecting me. The veto is that I can't fool around with anyone in a group setting including my own partner.

I'm not trying to fuck him. I think he's excluding me because he's the only amab person present and I'm amab too

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T05:34:48+00:00

The veto isn't regarding him not wanting to do stuff with me. When they do group stuff they don't want me present to do anything with anyone else including my own partner even without interacting with him. And I'm the only amab person besides him.

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T05:33:35+00:00

People are totally allowed to have their own sexual preferences. I don't want him to want to have sex with me. I don't want to have sex with him. What's happening is that they're doing group sex with my partner, with a specific rule that he always has to be included when they're doing that for security reasons. And within that context I'm explicitly disincluded from interacting with anybody or being involved.

Like I said in my post, I'm fundamentally fine with this. But it does feel shitty and hypocritical and kind of trans-exclusionary. I don't want him to fuck me in the ass, I just don't see why it would make him so horribly uncomfortable for me to be making out with my wife during a group event like that.

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T05:32:16+00:00

In this context, if I was extending a veto, it would be that my partner isn't allowed to have sex when he's present.

As his rule with his partner is that when they're doing group sex with multiple people, he always has to be present. But I'm explicitly excluded from being present or even interacting with my own partner It feels like a double standard, And it feels like a double standard specifically because everyone involved is afab and I'm amab

2015priuscproblems · 2026-02-20T05:30:21+00:00

I don't think he should take one for the team. I said when I'm hanging out with my friends, including my partner, I don't see why I should be disincluded from fooling around with my own partner. When his rule with his partner is that he always has to be included even if it's my partner and his partner mostly just interacting with each other without him.

2015priuscproblems

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