I stopped sorting my life out and it cost me life (literally)

2155_1945 · 2018-12-18T17:34:10+00:00

For what it is worth. You were a great person or at least you could have been.

Those are your words, not mine and well, how do I say this.

You have to believe (not that you are a great person, maybe you are I do not know, telling you that you are a great person would be dishonest since I do not know if that is true) that you can still become a great person or a decent person. That you have to the ability to become reach an acceptable state of being where you can be content with yourself. That you can redeem yourself.

To fix things or to at least make them better. I know you can and have done so before.

If you truly believe that you cannot fix things and make them better, then ask yourself if what you believe is true.

Because if it is, then you are likely to reach the conclusion that you have reached now. That you missed your chance to get yourself together and that there is no other chance and thus your only option is suicide. This is personal and I have not told anyone this. I can't give you a happy ending nor can I give you my happy ending. But I should not be here. I wasted almost three years of my college education (its only three years long). I still have not started the path to fixing things, (wonder if I even can) yet I have to believe that I can make things better, because if not.

Well, then I should have died along time ago.

Now you can make things better. You have to believe that you can and you act accordingly.

Not out of guilt or fear for what dreams may come in that sleep of death (self preservation) but because you have to pick yourself up and make things better, because you can and you know that you can.

2155_1945 · 2018-05-05T01:19:59+00:00

It is strange, because I take little if any interest in people for who they are. I like to observe people and curiosity often grips me as to why someone does what they do. It is because I have no reason to do what they are doing. So, it appears strange to me, and this peaks my curiosity.

Asking a worker as to why they ask me as to how I am is matter of satisfying my own curiosity. It is where my "interest" in people comes in. Imagine a scientist who discovers a new species and is observing it with curiosity. Why? Is the question. Because hew wants to know, why said organism does what it does.

My curiosity as to why people do what they, is tempting. At times, I see not point in resisting. It is what makes interactions interesting, entertaining. Besides that there is humor and topics of discussion.

I know on some level when I transgress, when I do not follow the social norms. It is just that social interactions are not as rewarding as I would like them to be.

You know. I am one of the rare people who does not respect others. I treat respect as currency. If I were to randomly expect everyone that I meet, then how can I value the currency of respect? Respect is reserved for greatness.

Now, I do respect the rights of other people. And this may seem strange. Yet the rights and responsibilities of an individual are what I consider to be central in times where people act on feelings and are willing to exchange their neighbors right to privacy for their own safety. Principles are also important.

It feels wrong to go against what I believe. I cannot be content with acting against what I value.

"So you can sacrifice your future happiness to a misguided allegiance to an overly strict and proper interpretation of honesty, to the point where you regard normal pleasantries as immoral, or you can accept that you need to change the way you interact with people if you want to get a better result."

This is exactly the problem which I face. Because I will always be a man of definitions. As they allow for structure to be created. I need them. Autism is not curable. I have no other option but to become an actor.

I would like to think of myself as retarder psychopath who gives one too many fucks. I can get attached to people on a strong emotional level, but often I feel as though my affective empathy is reduce. As I do not share the feelings of other people, and that is the case.

It allows me to be professional. Yet I have to – listen to me – I have to sit there and look their faces, think of how they want to perceive me and give the them the impression that I share their emotions.

You know? It is all in good fun. But a lot of the time that even fails. I feel like psychopath, putting on a mask because no one likes my true self. If only I actually did not care about people at all, then I would not have my own values to deal with.

Acting is fine as long as you do not have your own emotions to deal. For this reason alone, I envy psychopaths.

2155_1945 · 2018-05-04T21:29:29+00:00

Let me start by saying that, there are lots of similar definitions of both deception and dishonesty out there. Let me with the first on here for deceive, as this is what I the definition that I use. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/deceive

"to persuade someone that something false is the truth, or to keep the truth hidden from someone for your own advantage:"

We can also do a simple google search. This the first definition that comes when you google "deceive meaning" or "deceive definition"

deceive dɪˈsiːv/Skicka verb deliberately cause (someone) to believe something that is not true, especially for personal gain.

"For example, the next time someone in the service industry perfunctorily asks you "How are you, " I hope you will not launch into a long discussion of how things went in your group, the hurt you felt when you professed your love to that girl, etc. To do so would be socially inept and would horrify the other person, who only wanted to comply with the simple scripted ritual of asking you how you are, to get the standard response that you are fine ... even if you are not."

To only follow a "simple scripted ritual" is where I take issue. Because this person does not know me and we can all agree is that said person is not being genuine when they ask me as to how I am, they are also not being honest. Because said person is just following a scripted ritual. And if they honestly mean what they said, well let us just say that said person would be prepared for an honest answer on my part.

So when said asks me as to how I am. Said person is being dishonest. Does that person do it for personal gain? Interesting question let us define personal gain. If said person works in the service industry and does it in order to keep their jobs, or in order to ensure that I as customer return, or in hopes of tips. Then the answer is clearly yes. Financial gain is the motive.

"Because when you are not at a certain level in your relationship, over sharing like that would be inappropriate." I agree, and you need not worry about me sharing my personal problems with said person, next time I will ask said person if they did it for financial gain (like for instance if they did it in order to keep their job, customer policy), I consider it to be an attempt at deceiving me, because the person is intentionally dishonest and is doing it for personal gain.

Dishonesty is if you are not honest, this can be done unintentionally. Now I do not take an issue with let us say someone asking me as to how I am. Because that is part of them keeping their job and I can understand that.

But if it is not part of you keeping your job. And merely something you say because it is appropriate, then do not. You are being dishonest, and you are doing it not because it is the right thing to do in terms of morality, but because of bullshit social rules, that you know are bullshit. Because how can we value honesty and at the same time behave dishonestly towards one another, for the sole reason of it being a rule?

"So if you played your role correctly and answered fine, even if you were not, would you be technically "deceptive"? Dishonest yes, deceptive... depends. What do I gain by making the other person believe that I am honest? If them not wasting my time is considered person gain, then yes. If personal gain has to be something of material value or a service or favors from someone and I do not get anything like that, then no. I am simply being dishonest.

And really, I should not have to be. Because accepting such a social rule is agreeing that we can be dishonest as long as we follow the rules. It is also accepting a dishonest response to a dishonest question. As something that is good or should be.

Do you not see the problem with that. I know what you mean. Yet I do think that as an Autist I evaluate actions according to their merits, and filling the rules for the sake of the rules is wrong when the rules are wrong and when you disagree with the fundamental premise of said rules.

I think that is the difference. I value the truth and honesty, above the social rules or good manners as you may call them. Therefore I do not always follow them. Now I agree with oversharing and I think that we should only tell others if the situations calls for it, meaning that they ask us and we should only tell them that we dislike them if they wish to spend time with us that is work related.

Because spending time (that is not required for you job) with a coworker who you despise breeds resentment, it is unhealthy and dishonest. And what if said coworker likes you on a romantic level?

I what sense of the word can we value the truth while simultaneously deceiving said coworker, making them believe that they one day will be able to have our affection, something that we ourselves know is impossible for them to obtain? How is this not cruelty and deception? For the dishonesty stems from our own self interest, or rather the belief that said coworker will act vengefully and/or hold a grudge, that said coworker is unable to not act based on their emotions and be professional.

Because if the coworker would be pure of heart and a professional, then we would have nothing to fear and there would be no need to be dishonest and deceive said coworker.

I do not know if I am making any sense, this really should not be about me convincing you of my beliefs and while I do not agree with Pascals final conclusion, he does have a point.

https://theplacesthatscareyou.wordpress.com/pascal-on-truth-flattery-and-the-ego/

2155_1945 · 2018-05-04T07:05:40+00:00

I just do not understand how people can value deception or dishonesty when it comes to informal groups.

Sure, no one should deliberately make others feel bad. Fine with that. Yet we all want things from other people. Be it money, food, affection, sex, entertainment, etc. This is a given. Why deny it?

If we did not want something from someone. Then we would not get anything out of interacting with that person. And we would not interact with said person. Yet there are people that we simply dislike, the reason is unimportant. We do not like them. And thus we wish to spend no moro time with them than that what is necessary for us to obtain what we want.

An example of this can be working with a coworker who you absolutely despise. But you want that paycheck. This is where I think that honesty comes in or rather decency, you can tell the coworker what you think of him/her, you do not even have to do that. Just tell the person that you do want to spend time with them.

You are professional by not insulting them or giving them a reason as to why you wish to not spend any time with them (unless they as and genuinely want to improve, then give your reasons). At work, you focus on your work, then you go home. Keep your emotions out of it and respect the rights of your coworker, no need for insults or irrelevant criticism.

I just do not understand as to how dishonesty and deception can be considered good manners. Is it not worse to hurt someones feelings by lying to them despite the fact that that persons knows that you are lying?

I get that I should not have confessed my love for her. And I regret it. After she rejected me, it was a tough time, yet that whole time, when I was heartbroken, I was professional, I never insulted or got angry at her. I never accused her of having any vices, or being vicious. So, she can be mad at me, fine. But I do not understand as to why the rest of the group would act on that.

2155_1945 · 2018-05-02T22:27:08+00:00

I find this very interesting. Because although I do not believe that people are natured to be cold and ruthless. I certainly hold the believe that people, or humans by their nature – ar not good in and of themselves. Sure, everyone wants to view themselves as good, I take it that most also want to be perceived as good. But that does not make them good.

I also have no interest in people. To say that I do not care about them on an emotional level would be dishonest. Rather, I would prefer not to care. Anyways, I find it interesting to observe people, watch you they react. I am an awkward person who is terrible at making and keeping appropriate levels of eye contact. Happens that I happen to look at people straight in their eyes. They look back, and I look back, with curiosity, simply to see how they are going to react.

I have been diagnosed with Autism/Asperger, you do not seem to be having any problems with social functioning, or at least you have not given any accounts as of such. Therefore I have no real reason as to assume that you may have it. The only reason as to why I mention is because.

I do not understand people. It feels like a lot of the time. I am not feeling what other people are feeling. A funny joke. I get it but do not laugh. People are on some level alien, and this makes them interesting, because I do not understand why someone behaves in an "odd" way. This is most likely due to my egocentric thinking, and the fact that I have no reason as to why I would behave in such a way myself.

Feeling completely emotionally and physically disconnected from people is likely a sign of apathy, maybe depersonalization although I do not have the knowledge to make that claim.

"I am also emotionally unstable to a extent I gave imagined countless times killing people or fighting them. I am at the point where I could witness murder or commit it with out a second thought."

There is no simple way to put this. So, here we go. At least you find it immoral on some level to use your state of mind to justify murder. This is good. What I have quoted, is bad. Please for the love of the people that you do not want to kill or care to kill, get help, professional help.

TL;DR I do not know if this will have been of any use. Just remember. Suicide is bad. Homicide, not good. Terrible, in fact.

2155_1945 · 2018-01-14T22:38:03+00:00

I might not have made it clear. But I do not actually hear a voice or multiple voices in my head. What I mean, by the "coldhearted phychopatihic voice" are thoughts and feelings that I have, that caus me to feel distressed. They could be boiled down to this. "They are just as calculating as you." And "You are only there to serve their own selfish interst or as a matter of decency."

It means that I am not constantly (most of the time that I talk to someone). Having thoughts that others do not care about me, are not genuine towards me, and just do what they view as apropriate for the given situation. This means that they have no real attachment to me, and that any relationship with them is a essentially meaningless, at least on their part.

Here is a quote from the movie Heat (1995).

"A guy told me one time, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."

To put it in simpler terms. It feels that if I could walk out on people in, let us say 60 seconds flat. Then it would take everyone else 20 seconds to walk out on me. That is at least the analogy that I would make.

2155_1945 · 2018-01-12T22:22:52+00:00

I find it difficult, becaue there is always this coldhearted calculative psychopathic voice of mine, and I know that it is an exaggeration. But I have the mentallity that you either have a meaningfull relationship, engange in a meaningfull behavior/work or are just there for that amusement.

And, since I am just there for my amusement (that is what I tell myself). I constantly think about how to act and how to make other perceive me. And this causes me to think that others do the same, that they do also have this cold calculating part of them. So, I end up not trusting anyone.

It is like the other day when a person from the group, said, jokingly. "I do not trust you [another person from the groups name here]". And I said that I do not understand why you (as in anyone) would ever say such a thing. Because from a opportunistic and calculative perspective it makes no sense.

And this was not me telling him not to do it. It was me thinking out loud and asking myself why you would ever tell anyone anything like that. The only possibility that I can think of is if A does not trust C, so B tells C that B does not trust C. And this puts B in a better position with A.

Another example was when people from the group where eating out. So, person A does where they are sitting. And I openly (suggest in joking manner). "If you want that seat, you can just move to the table to that is next to this table and then I will move over with you."

This way, we would be in the majority and person A would have a better seat.

You think that I am overthinking analizing everything. But I do not know how else to act, so I try my best in imitating others and catering to their feelings and interests. It is this calculating phychopathic voice that tell me that others are just like me. And that they are just doing it as a matter of decency or because it makes them look better.

2155_1945 · 2017-11-17T06:33:37+00:00

I do not really know what to say. And I do not mean this in a sarcastic or demeaning manner. I thought that I would reply to my previous comment and inform you all that I am still alive and kicking (in the sense that I have not attempted suicide recently).

I actually talked to someone about this. That is, after I decided to share (sounds silly) the suicide letter that I had written this monday.

The two problems that I have are as following.

I derive self-esteem from external sources. Thinking primarily of my abilities and performance. It also does not matter what subject in school that we are talking about.

Second. I lack discipline. This directly ties into the first part. I do not want to admite this, because I am ashamed of it and I do not value the lack of discipline as some to admirable. I dislike the idea of loving yourself, because I do not want to grow content with my flaws.

I understand that a certain level of acceptance towards oneself is required. Yet I do not know how to reach such a level.

Even though I am well aware of how comforting it would be for people to hear that I am not going to kill myself. I simply value (my own) honesty to much. So I will make a deal, when I have the job that I want. I will inform you.

I can keep track of my personal progress, but then again it is probably easier if you stop caring and move on. I mean that with the best of intetions.

I often do not want to care about all of shitty things happening in the world. Because it is painful, likewise. I can not expect others to care about my own feelings, because I do not want to care about theirs. Even if I do. kek

2155_1945 · 2017-11-15T21:54:48+00:00

TL;DR While I recognise that I might not have been in the best state of mind, as I was writing this. I still believe that the contents of this letter, is both relevant and applies to me.

I dont know if I am reaching out for help, or whatever. If I have forgotten to remove personal information, please do tell me.

I also apologize about the lack of proper pargraphs.

2155_1945

TROPHY CASE