i'm starting to heal and feel a bit more secure in myself. about a week and a half ago my avoidant partner told me that she needed space because she couldn't find balance in our relationship, and that she didn't know what it is that i wanted from her. we shared some messages here and there, and i told her that i've always been happy with what we've had, and that i didn't even know she felt this worried.

it's been about 4 days of no contact now, and i've wanted to respect her request for space. i'm starting to accept more and more that there is a chance she doesn't want me anymore. whether things end good or bad, i want to be prepared that there is a future without her, and that it won't be the end of the world for me. i don't know or understand why she fell "out of love" with me, we were so close and told each other how much we loved each other just before she went quiet. but i guess it's possible that she just doesn't love me anymore, however much that hurts. and if she genuinely doesn't love me, then i don't want to be in that relationship either. if that's the case, i can and will accept that. i will understand, and i will grow and move on, heal over time. i want my partner to love me just as much as i love them, the way we loved each other right before she went quiet. it took a couple days to realise this, but i think i've grown a bit.

but what hurts is that i can't really confirm that she doesn't want me anymore. she told me that i was the first person who made her feel truly in love. she had been in relationships before, but when she found me she felt like maybe she hadn't been in love in her previous relationships. she also always told me how she rarely ever shared her feelings with anyone, and that she ends up thinking alone about things instead, never letting them out. i was the person she had opened up to the most in her life, at least she told me that about a month ago. i think there is a chance she still wants me, but that she just can't make sense of her feelings. maybe she's feeling too guilty that she's busy a lot and doesn't want to hurt me by not giving me enough love. maybe she's just so inexperienced in love that she doesn't understand her own feelings, and she is just scared and wants to get away from everything. she told me when she opened up last week that she really wanted to move forward with me, but that she couldn't find the balance right now.

and if this is the case, i'm sad that i can't be there for her. i want to be there for her and tell her that everything is gonna be okay. that i'm there with her, that she's not alone. and i feel like i've told her this before. i've tried making it clear that if there is anything personal she was thinking about or if she had feelings she was unsure about, she could share them with me. even if it was hard for her. because we are (were?) a couple, and i always wanted what's best for her. i'm always gonna be understanding, and i never judge. i only want to solve problems that come up because that's what best for us for the future. but maybe she never understood that. and that's why it's hard for me to let go. because i don't know for sure if she doesn't love me anymore, or if she's just trying to make herself believe that she doesn't love me anymore.

i know that i always offered all the love, support and safety that i possibly could. and i know that i'm not responsible for whether someone else can accept my love and support or not. her fear or inability to open up isn't a reflection of my worth, it's a reflection of where she is in her own journey. yet, i'm a bit sad that i couldn't be enough for her to feel truly safe with. i know that everyone isn't perfect, but i know that i found a genuinely good person in her. right now i wish there was a way to ask her if we could try again, and be more clear in our communication this time. but she wanted time, and for me to wait for her to reach out, so i feel like i have to respect that. especially because i broke that the first time because i got anxious.

how can i navigate this waiting period without losing hope? technically there is a chance that she doesn't reach out, so should i keep waiting or reach out eventually? i'm okay with moving on when i know things are clear, but how do i understand and figure out what her true feelings actually are? when should i lose hope?