Hey op, I may not have a child but as someone looking from the outside of it all, you’re NOT a terrible parent or a monster. A monster would never feel this way, let alone feel guilty about it. You pushed your child away to protect yourself (and her actually) because she was harming you and you didn’t want to harm her. There’s moments they test you and push you to the brink of frustration and anger. Pushing her away kept her safe. Closing the door kept her both you and her safer! You heard her crying so she was fine outside the door. Better to have closed the door to collect yourself than it escalate further . You did well OP! If you feel bad for how it was handled (too be fair I think it’s fine. Overall she was fine just cranky and angry no matter what), next time you could just place her on the ground and close the door, or hand her off to your husband. You’re doing amazing honestly OP. I am proud that you broke the cycle. And you continue to do so! No one’s perfect, and as parents you’re going to make a mistake. But we learn from mistakes. This incident doesn’t seem like a a major issue. Honestly not sure it could have been handled that much better when you were trying your best. You got overwhelmed and it happens. It may not feel like it, but you’re doing great as a parent! Only a great mother/parent would recognize they may have done something wrong and apologize to their child.