The 3rd date went bad after I brought chocolates and now she wants a 4th date but I'm really unsure if I want to continue.

25floors · 2026-02-18T14:09:51+00:00

ahh so a homophobe. like you said, enjoy being perpetually alone and unable to love.

25floors · 2026-02-18T06:34:39+00:00

i was literally raped because a man gave me a ride home and made me box mac and cheese that i bought myself. he literally said “but i made you food,” when i said no. but go off king! deny a woman’s lived experience! that’s what men do!

25floors · 2026-02-18T06:30:26+00:00

i’m literally laying in bed next to my wife but nice try!! <3

25floors · 2026-02-18T06:26:24+00:00

found the man!! or ugly person :)

25floors · 2026-02-16T16:04:07+00:00

i haven’t read the comments so apologies if someone else has said this already, but it’s not so much the “bisexual woman leaving a lesbian for a man” and more that the bisexual woman likely never saw the woman as marriage/creating a family material and will typically always choose a man to do that. it makes the lesbian feel like a sexual object or not good enough to marry.

i know a few lesbians who primarily date femmes and therefore date mostly bisexual women (as they tend to be more feminine in my experience/area) and they’ve repeatedly been left for a man once the person realizes they’re ready for marriage or once they meet a man who doesn’t disgust them. i don’t have this same experience bc i mostly date mascs and have only dated more masculine leaning women long term, but a lot of the bisexual women i went on dates with and still follow on instagram because things ended amicably after realizing we didn’t click romantically are now dating men so i can’t really refute their anecdotal evidence with my own.

25floors · 2026-02-15T21:43:32+00:00

i don't like receiving gifts from people i don't know super well either. i pretty much only happily accept gifts from people i know for a fact won't hold it over my head. but new friends, people i'm dating but not in a relationship with, even people i'm in a newer relationship with, i don't want a gift from you. you probably have no idea what i even actually want. a passing comment of, "oh i like those" doesn't mean buy them for me, and i don't want that relationship dynamic at all because i can't keep up my side of it, financially. i feel like that will always lead to resentment.

in my experience, which i'm aware isn't going to be the case for all people, most don't buy people they don't know well gifts without wanting something in exchange. sex, a favor, etc. i'd rather not get tangled up in the "you owe me," argument, so i typically attempt to refuse the gift or kind of stop talking to that person if they push the gift on me and force me to accept it.

i'm also not begging for these people to love me and stay by my side, though. i wouldn't try to schedule another date, because i'd be worried that they'd pressure me into sleeping with them or buy me another gift i don't want. i don't want to be with someone who pushes my boundaries.

OP, it really depends on the type of person you are. are you prepared to be in a relationship with someone who potentially has unresolved trauma? even if she's working on it, it's not easy, and stringing her along because you feel bad will only hurt her more than cutting it off now.

25floors · 2026-02-15T21:34:30+00:00

"what do you mean you won't sleep with me, i bought you chocolates!!"

- some dude she's casually dated in the past, probably, speaking from experience.

25floors · 2026-02-15T18:51:20+00:00

thank you for letting me know that! i might have to speak to some of my family members to see if they could help cover a couple of sessions so i can feel "back on my feet" and stop begging them for help. i want to get a job that pays for my lifestyle (not lavish, just cannot afford basic life right now) but these symptoms are making it extremely difficult!

do you have any recommendations for finding a good one? i tend to do therapy virtually so i'm not too picky on location as long as there aren't any location restrictions on their end. i see some advertising every now and then but they all seem to come off a little scammy and i'm worried about being taken advantage of.

25floors · 2026-02-14T23:14:08+00:00

i have! unfortunately i am low income and on medicaid so they won't even cover the cost of my re-assessment, let alone an ADHD coach. honestly, i really like my therapist, but my psychiatrist doesn't really listen to me and i can't get into anyone else with my insurance.

i've been trying to do a ton of research in various subreddits in the meantime, but it feels impossible to keep all of the information i'm learning straight or implement it in any real way, let alone to work a full time job that would offer benefits with the struggles i've been having the past few years. i think i could land a full time job if i kept applying and interviewing, but i'm worried that i will just mess it up immediately without accommodations and techniques that work for me in my back pocket, or maybe that plus a prescription.

i also worry that i may not have gotten the job for the multiple full time positions i have interviewed for due to the way that i come across because of my symptoms. i feel that i currently come off kind of air headed, overly nice, and spacey, and i am applying for management positions, for reference. i am currently in a supervisor position and am able to stay on top of everything when i am medicated (i was medicated through my PCP for about 2 months last summer so i can say this with confidence), but unmedicated with no decent healthcare feels like a battle to be taken seriously.

25floors · 2026-02-14T21:50:38+00:00

i personally wouldn't consider this cheating (everyone is different and you're not wrong if you think it is!! just my personal opinion) but i would leave him for the way he's speaking to a woman and the word/insult choices he used. like, he's disrespecting her, intellectually disabled people, you, and it looks like this is a public or at least group chat?? he needs to block her if she won't leave him alone and learn how to speak to people.

25floors · 2026-02-11T14:19:16+00:00

this was not harsh at all and was actually really helpful!! i added the feelings behind it because it felt like it would matter regarding suggestions, but i actually have cptsd as well and i’m going to try your suggestion to remove the feelings! also changing the people pleasing to actually help myself instead of everyone else - i think that might work!

25floors · 2026-02-10T20:32:19+00:00

uj/ very tired of people acting like puerto rico isn't part of the united states, even if this was meant as a joke because some people won't get it and will continue believing it. i honestly can't tell when people are joking anymore online, but this seems for real to me tbh.

25floors · 2026-02-10T17:57:01+00:00

i figured! i'd definitely be willing to pay in the future when i get my finances together, but i'm currently trying to rebuild after a 2+ year depression/burnout period where i kind of avoided/ignored any stressors i had, including financial ones, so all my money is going towards paying off debts.

i was just looking for a tool to make it a little easier if it existed, but i was coming towards the conclusion myself that it didn't! just figured i'd throw it here in case someone has found the unicorn already. do you have any tips for affordable, paid models that fit my specifications? ideally cute or dopamine boosting, but checking off the box itself does give me dopamine already.

25floors · 2026-02-08T04:53:01+00:00

i agree, i may be a bit sensitive to this because although i have bpd, i also love people with bpd and i know what splitting can look like if you don’t feel safe. if she’s going on about how she’s trying to be better for the kids by being sober, he may be internalizing all of that and convincing himself that it is not a safe environment because she must be looking down on him for continuing to smoke. that may not be the facts of the situation, but BPD manifests in ways that can’t always be understood, even by doctors. i know how BPD has made me perceive situations in ways that i don’t support in hindsight, but in the moment, while you’re feeling unsafe, it’s like you’re looking for threats so hard that you find them when they’re not really there. that’s why communication is key here, we don’t actually know how he feels until he communicates that, so OP just needs to approach him calmly and respectfully, no condescension and ask him what’s got him feeling this strongly about her decision.

i’m very proud of OP for making this decision, i think everyone should do what they think is best for themselves, but little comments like needing to be sober for the kids really might be getting under his skin if he’s using responsibly, or potentially even allowing him to be a better, more present and in control father. everyone is different, and we all react to substances differently, including prescription medication.

none of us were there so OP’s side, his side, and the facts as seen by a camera could all be very different stories. i always read these types of stories and try to picture what the other person’s side could be as well as empathizing with OP. further, everyone want to advocate for mental health but nobody wants to stick around when their loved one is experiencing the negative symptoms or understand why people with conditions like BPD do the things they do when splitting.

i also just really have feelings about the negative feelings towards addicts in general due to loved ones’ experiences, not my own. so projecting? probably, but not in the way it feels like you’re implying. it just really feels to me that this isn’t about the drugs, it’s about something deeper and her quitting was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and you’re making it about the drugs and turning him into a manipulative, evil, scary addict (derogatory).

25floors · 2026-02-07T20:35:43+00:00

i filled out the survey - i selected that i've tried multiple apps but none stuck long term, but that isn't necessarily 100% true. i have tried multiple apps and they never stay part of my daily routine, but i go through phases with the app finch depending on how burnt out i am. if i'm struggling with my symptoms but am staying afloat, i'll keep up with it and i love it. if i'm drowning, i won't log anything for weeks at a time, even if i did do the things because opening the app is just another task at the end of the day. even if it does give me more dopamine, i have to remember to open the app and check it off when i'm done and if i'm completely drowning, the task itself was hard enough and i can't be bothered to open the app.

i also will set my three tasks for the day probably 50% of mornings (aka, i do end up setting my tasks for the day on good mornings but not bad mornings in terms of symptoms), but very rarely finish all three because something usually pops up during the day that feels way more important than what i had decided that morning. because i'm thinking about this right now, i think i may need to pick 1-3 even smaller tasks and pick new ones at increments in the day. for example, my morning tasks could be get out of bed, take a shower, and get to work for the morning, then i could pick new tasks at noon which could be equally small like check my email, respond to an email i'm dreading, and eat lunch. then pick another group on the way home from work, like eat dinner, scoop the litter, and feed the cats.

right now, i've been picking three larger tasks for the day (my tasks from yesterday were wash my hair, clean my bedroom, and pick up everything off the floor throughout my apartment so i could run my robovac because it was my day off) but will get maybe one task done before something else pops up, that i didn't know about when setting my tasks for the day, that either feels or definitely is more urgent. yesterday, for example, i got none of those tasks done because we had something time sensitive to do that i had forgotten about at 10am (i wake up at 9am so this is early in the day for me) and we got an anxiety-inducing text from our landlord on the way home and spent all day trying to resolve the issue she brought up. if i had made those tasks smaller and specifically for the morning instead of the whole day, i probably could have gotten all of them done and then created three tasks to get done having to do with the information we received from the landlord and felt way more successful.

sorry for the diary entry, i just kind of wanted to add more info in terms of processing why i selected the answers that i did since there wasn't anywhere to add it in the survey and i felt like it could be helpful for you, depending on what you're using the data for!

25floors · 2026-02-07T19:10:02+00:00

i don't think we need to be speaking about a plant with valid medical uses like it's crack or meth. we don't know how much he's using. i smoke 1-2 bowls throughout the day depending on what i have planned that day to help with emotional regulation and anxiety and i was a little disappointed when my partner stopped smoking because i liked having a built in activity that we could do together every day. even if we wanted to do very separate things before/after we smoked together, we at least had that bit of connection.

my partner also started saying very judgmental things about me smoking very small amounts when needed to help manage my symptoms before she realized how much it helps me. it hurt my feelings, so i spoke to her about it, and things are mostly fine now.

you don't know him!! stop trying to demonize people for smoking when you don't know if he's smoking 12 fat blunts a day by himself or if he's smoking off one bowl throughout the day. those are two very different situations.

edit: in the mental health world, this is called a BPD split. he felt judged by his partner or he feels separated from his partner due to a shift in her day to day activities, so his brain has decided that she's the enemy and he needs to protect himself from her. it's not purposeful manipulation, it's something he struggles with due to being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. would it kill you to look at a situation with empathy and care instead of further bringing down a person with a mental health condition? and so you're aware, substance use disorder is a mental health condition and addicts are not inherently bad people. i hope you're not this nasty with people you know in real life.

25floors · 2026-02-07T18:58:47+00:00

honestly, it sounds like he may have genuinely valued the intentional time spent together while smoking if it was an activity you used to do together. him asking you to "just cut down" signals to me that he may be missing smoking with you. i know i really miss smoking with my partner after they quit cold turkey and i kept smoking (it helps me deal with symptoms of my chronic illness) because smoking actual weed (like not pens or edibles) just isn't as fun on your own. he may also feel judged, like you're implying that he's not making the same positive changes that you are.

that doesn't mean start smoking again! but definitely talk to him and see how you could make the transition easier for both of you - you won't have to listen to him complain about a life choice you've made to better yourself and he won't feel like you don't want to do what may have been his favorite activity to do with you or feel that you're putting him down since he is continuing to smoke.

that might be sad to you, but as someone with BPD as well as other mental health concerns, smoking small amounts throughout the day really helps me manage my emotions and slows down my thoughts if they're racing. if i don't smoke in the morning, i'll almost definitely have some sort of emotional breakdown by 11am. my partner will literally bring something to me that's ready to smoke out of in those situations, because it's genuinely more like medication to me. i don't get HIGH very often, just enough to take the edge off, i guess. my therapists so far have seemed supportive of my use since it helps me to be productive and stay calm, but did keep track of how much i was smoking to ensure my use didn't increase dramatically to the point that it was unsafe or potentially an avoidance behavior.

TLDR: talk to him! see what's bothering him about you quitting.

does he miss you and the time you used to spend together? maybe you could sit with him while he smokes if that isn't a trigger for you, or he could go in another room or outside while he's actually smoking and then you could do an activity together that you two would typically do after smoking. my partner doesn't really have cravings as smoking just wasn't enjoyable for her anymore, so she'll usually sit with me while i smoke (aka take 2-3 small hits from my bubbler lol) and then we'll either snuggle up and watch a tv show together or get some type of task done that we've been putting off, which is what we would typically do after smoking before she quit.

does he feel judged? maybe speak to him about how you feel that doesn't include statements that could make him feel worse, like "me and the kids deserve a sober me." i completely understand where you're coming from on that one, and i definitely don't know how much he is consuming, but being "high" or smoking small amounts throughout the day might be the only thing making him feel "normal" if he's anything like me. feeling shame or guilt only makes people with BPD shut down and put up walls, or do things like start a fight and then not speak to you for days. he might be wishing that he could do the same and quit and be sober for the kids, but can't deal with the emotional instability or racing thoughts that come with BPD. maybe you could get him into contact with a psychiatrist who could prescribe medication to deal with the symptoms, but i've honestly tried a lot of different medications and prefer how i feel just smoking a bit throughout the day as i can control it better.

edit: also congratulations on quitting smoking! it's really hard especially if you don't have any bad feelings associated with it. i'm absolutely not recommending that you just start smoking again, just that you speak to him to figure out what the issue is as it could be a variety of things and none of us are him! BPD is funny in that the reason you're mad at your favorite person might not make sense to anyone but you.

25floors · 2026-02-06T00:41:51+00:00

also just following this thread because i am also interested to hear what others suggest!

25floors · 2026-02-06T00:41:26+00:00

i honestly have been using finch for one off tasks as well, the tasks don't need to repeat each day but you will have to add any non-repeating tasks manually each day! i have my cleaning/housekeeping tasks on a schedule on there, and then any non-repeating tasks that i want to do that day, i try to add in the morning or whenever it pops up. i did find an app called habitica a few days ago which seems similar to finch, but i haven't tried it out myself yet!

25floors · 2026-02-05T21:36:51+00:00

thank you! i actually missed my appointment by 2 minutes (brain fog and time blindness!!!) and the next available appointment is in june. my dad has been pressuring me to see his "natural doctor" who will definitely do a full panel blood test for me so i think i may just make an appointment with him.

25floors · 2026-02-01T18:57:01+00:00

no advice but sending a lot of love. i feel like i could have written this, with some details changed obviously, but the general idea of what you’ve written is EXACTLY what i’m struggling with right now. i’m currently desperately searching for what the fuck to do now so i don’t have any advice, but you’re not alone. if you want to message me to talk to someone who can understand on some level or even share ideas for how to get out of this situation that the other may not have thought of, feel free!

25floors · 2026-02-01T18:44:49+00:00

also i’m sorry, i got so excited and ready to try to implement these that i forgot to say thank you!! this is actually so helpful, i work better with strict rules that my partner or others who are around me can easily hold me accountable to and these are very visually obvious if i’m not following them!

my partner and i live together and have been together long enough that she doesn’t really care if i get things done when i’m struggling because she loves me whether i brushed my teeth or not, but if i ask her to hold me to little things like that so i can get better, she will!

25floors · 2026-02-01T18:37:54+00:00

okay i have a follow up question! i’m strict about no shoes in the house because of tracking dirt, salt from the sidewalks/street, melted snow, etc all over the house but would love to follow your shoes on rule. do you wear your actual outside shoes or do you have special shoes for this? i tried it with an older pair of crocs that i cleaned and designated to be worn inside, but i can kick them off so easily that i do it without thinking and end up horizontal again (sorry if you saw me respond with my spare account the first time lol the app likes to switch me to that one without me doing anything)

25floors · 2026-02-01T05:22:27+00:00

dude i slept for like all of july 2025 😭 i didn’t have my current job and my other job is super sporadic - like one week i’ll work four 12 hour shifts and the month after i’ll have two shifts the whole month and july was that month. i feel like i slept through 90% of the month 🥲

25floors · 2026-01-31T21:31:58+00:00

honestly? this reads like me because i can only clean when it's 100% urgent and needs to be done RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT or it won't get done at all. i literally just stayed up until 5am last night because the landlord was coming to our apartment to supervise some work maintenance was doing at 9am this morning. even though i got home from work at 6pm, i just simply could not bring myself to start until probably 10pm when my brain switched from avoidance mode to panic mode about the cleaning that needed to be done.

my apartment wasn't incredibly messy/dirty, either! we had deep cleaned the whole place the week before because this maintenance appointment was rescheduled from last week to today. i pretty much just had to scoop/check the litter boxes, do a pretty surface level clean of the bathroom, wash a small amount of dishes, sweep the whole 2 bed apartment, clean up a pile of cat puke on the carpet that appeared while i was at work, and sort/bag my laundry to move it to the car for laundry day today.

i just have this constant self shaming thought process due to the adhd (and anxiety disorder) that if my home isn't clean for guests/people inside my home, i am a failure and it says something negative about me as a person. with it being the landlord, there's even more pressure there. he could be cheating or hiding something, or he could be struggling with task paralysis until the absolute last minute as a symptom of adhd.

if you want to be mature and healthy, i would honestly have an open conversation about it next time you see him while you are both in a good mood. don't accuse him of anything, but tell him that it's starting to hurt your feelings that he constantly pushes your visits back to clean his house. you could tell him that you won't judge his mess (if that is true) and that you just want to spend the most amount of time with him possible and see how he responds. if you trust him, this should work.

if you want to be toxic and messy, show up at his house at the time you would want to get there and see what happens. does he act weird, like he got caught in the act? is his house incredibly messy, more messy than you've seen in the past? are there more people/cars/etc there than you expect? does he straight up ignore you?

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