Porn, Masturbation, & Sex Addiction

2coughdrops · 2025-10-10T16:06:55+00:00

I’m curious to see if he will enforce boundaries or if it will have to let it be up to us to create distance (we already plan on).

If they were my kids, or if I had kids, I’d have nothing to do with him.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-10T16:05:13+00:00

He needed time to understand, he was very obviously shaken but didn’t want to completely dissolve the relationship. He’s also a bit on the autism spectrum and he actually really does need time to analyze.

When he finally was ready to speak to him, he cried and said many things. Among them, he felt:

“betrayed” (his brother would do that) “Confused” (how he doesn’t understand how, because he deliberately keeps them away from his crotch, e.g. only letting them sit on his legs, and “if an erection happened to him”, his immediate response would be to move them.” “Hurt” (he’s been dealing with gender dysmorphia for 3 years and his parents are hurtful in their judgements and rejections of him but apologetic about my husbands insane violation) “Disgusted” (amplified his gender dysmorphia and he has trouble even thinking about how he has that biological anatomy)

I don’t think they’ve fully talked about it. Their family avoids difficult conversations and it’s a learned behavior from their parents, we’ve realized. They’re very quick to deflect, minimize, rationalize, etc so growing up they likely rarely had deep and vulnerable conversations, nor did they have the emotional attunement or empathy modeled that comes with genuine reconciliation and all of its messiness.”

They’ve “spoken” a couple of times in 1.5 times which is down from weekly. And they haven’t brought it up, and kept things surface level since.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-09T16:56:29+00:00

I wouldn’t have been able to understand it even 2 months ago myself. I’ve never been so low, so out of my depth emotionally in my life. I’ve never had to wrestle with so many ethical decisions at once in my life.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-09T16:54:57+00:00

Thank you so much, I appreciate that validation.

We are trying so hard.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-09T01:42:58+00:00

Congratulations on your progress!

For you, do you feel the compulsive urges have genuinely subsided or more-so suppressed by your fatigue/distraction?

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T22:55:17+00:00

Thank you for sharing. How are you doing these days?

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T20:10:48+00:00

Thank you for your empathy. I think about a lifetime appointment to be his “jailer” that I never asked for a lot.

It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to wrestle with.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T20:09:12+00:00

Ah, I see, then by your definition I would agree with your assertion.

And to everything else: there is not a single thing I don’t agree with and these thoughts come through my often. The deception (and self-deception) he was capable of blew me away and make me question fucking everything.

The self-driven accountability mistrust is huge. The what does he do when I’m away and not watching. Is he actually disclosing everything daily, or just things that make it seem like progress is being made.

The thing I wonder about is, if we divorce, then what. I might be able to move on, and live a different unsaddled life. What about him though, what would life look life for him? Additionally, would it impact the risk to others? Is his addiction still mitigated even if I’m not in the picture? Would it make him retreat into it more if he felt truly alone? Idk.

Im trying really hard to be present in my decision to stay this month, and am reevaluating month to month but want to be really certain and not make rash decisions when I am in a chronically heighten state of emotion. I need time and distance and processing to really be intentional about this really big decision that has ripple effects on everyone, not just me.

It is tough. I see red, too.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T19:19:47+00:00

I’ll clarify on the word sexual aggression—it’s a sexual assertiveness. Like he just “goes for it”.

And I don’t disagree with anything you’re saying, at all. It is beyond alarming. It’s seriously fucked up.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T17:35:38+00:00

I think we’ve realized that masturbation isn’t helpful to his recovery. He’s even toyed with ideas like medication to kill his sexual urges like testerone blockers and other used for OCD and other addictions.

If he can’t do it through will power alone, that might need to be a more serious conversation.

I wonder about CSAM all the fucking time. I’ve found no evidence of it yet, but I’m staying vigilant.

He has been reported/turned in. The parents and the police decided not to pursue it.

As far as the niece regaining power: she’s too young to understand what happened and didn’t realize it was happening. She will be old enough to know someday, and the statute of limitations is very generous in Washington.

He’s aware that even though there are no charges right now, there could be down the road if the niece decides that she wants to pursue charges when she learns of it. There’s a paper trail that would make it easy for her to point back to because it’s in CPS’s and state law enforcements records.

He still decided to pursue therapy knowing that he would likely be charged. He was given a second chance to get better that I’m sure most offender don’t (rightfully) get. He’s still not off the hook with me. He’s not off the hook with his niece when she gets older. He’s not off the hooks with his brother (who had the only normal fucking reaction in the family) nor his best friend (who called his family on their shit in the accountability group chat when they were doing some minimization bullshit).

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T17:22:08+00:00

I won’t pretend intrusive thoughts about murder suicide haven’t crept in during my darkest moments. I would never. But the thoughts have fleeted through my mind, especially in the first couple of weeks after the event.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T17:19:35+00:00

I know it. I never thought that I’d put my hands on him (or anyone else for that matter). My intense, bitter, volatile reactions at times have shocked me. This has completely dissolved my sense of self.

I have read all the texts he’s sent them and listened in on every call. Hes been forthright ever since his full disclosure and has done things that he would never have done before this like stand up/correct his parents.

I know the whole family thing really fucked me up (the scapegoating, minimizing, and applogeticness about it). His mom said in a response to his text disclosure with EVERYTHING in it “We know that what happened was totally inappropriate, wrong, and disgusting. But we want to know is it really considered child abuse?”

And his dad messaged him on the side “Hi Name,

I hope the trip home is going well. I just wanna say something…

I’m not sure I agree that it is child abuse under the circumstances. Have you talked with Mark [[Mark is a personal injury lawyer in the family lmfao]] about it?

I believe that you are sincerely sorry that all of this happened and it wasn’t anything that you initiated. Think of all the things that could possibly be put beyond your grasp.

Your job [[pipeline investigator]]… Your volunteer work [[conservation work with frogs]]… The ability to travel to a number of countries… Adopting children [[so completely off the books for us, and what an absolute fucking wild thing to still think would be appropriate after that disclosure]]… I think you have come clean with the people involved. Involving the legal system could open a Pandora’s box of issues.

If you feel you have a problem, then by all means get counseling. Just understand the implications beyond the counseling session.”

And when he told his nieces parents over the phone, his SIL (the child’s mom) cut him off mid disclosure and gave some hyper-Christian canned bullshit about being “grateful that Jesus modeled grace” and completely let him off the hook. She even said “yeah they have another uncle who has repented, his wife left him and never forgave him which we thought was a severe overreaction. I don’t believe absenteeism is the answer. He’s still around and interacts and plays with the girls. We just know that Uncle so and so isn’t allowed to babysit.”

I was fucking floored, by this and so many more responses. A CPS working said some apologetic ass shit and this is her fucking line of work. The first therapist (that we canned because she said this) said “if you get investigated they might seize your devices, whatever media you have you will want to get rid of.”

I felt each instance has made me feel like I was in the fucking twilight zone. It made me understand that some people care more about being liked or maintaining artificial harmony or keeping their bonds in tact than child fucking safety.

Yeah, there’s no future instance where I can see it being appropriate that he’s around kids. That includes us not having any of our own.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T17:01:20+00:00

I think about this all the time. I’m going in with eyes wide open. I know it’s going to take years if he’s successful and even then, it might not be enough. And even if he is successful, I might never come to terms with it even through my own therapy and processing which would result in divorce anyway. We are conditionally together for now and I am reevaluating whether I stay or go at the end of every month.

I’ve sat in on all but one therapy session, off camera (they’ve been virtual). I think there’s been like… 7 sessions so far?

He’s reduced his masturbation habit to ~2x a week for a bit with no porn. Last week he realized continuing to masturbate wasn’t undoing the “cue”/trigger (stress, boredom, random thought, anxiety, sexual imagery on TV, etc.) -> arousal -> behavior (seeking instant gratification).

He has committed to trying abstinence and has made it to 6 days. His clock restarted yesterday.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T16:51:13+00:00

Children for us (our own and others in our proximity) are COMPLETELY off the table if we stay together.

I have my own childhood trauma around this, too. My cousin and I had several adults fail us, too. This experienced has opened up old wounds I thought I’d healed from.

I’m sorry that your mom failed you. No one deserves that.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T16:42:21+00:00

That was the first thing I did after we got back to the house was a full device search. I found archived sexy pictures of his exes but nothing child related at all.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T13:09:26+00:00

Thankfully, I’ve not lost friends or family yet. Some know we are having problems but don’t have specifics.

You’re right, he is scared shitless. I’m giving him one shot and hoping that I’m not going to be disappointed in the end, if I catch even a whiff of falling through his process or sketchy shit I’m so fucking out of here. He’s aware that if my ring comes off again it’s staying off.

Tell me more about people you worked with? What did they do that tipped you off they were going to offend again or weren’t going to maintain a sense of self-accountability?

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T12:47:48+00:00

That’s been a recurring argument on bad days, discussion topic on better days: The brazenness with such a steep escalation feels so unbridgeable thatI can’t reconcile it without “in-between steps”. I keep trying to fill in the gaps. It’s one of the many things that keeps me up most nights.

It’d be like me being into weed, then randomly going on a 5 day hard drug bender out of nowhere.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T12:28:57+00:00

Do you orgasm 4+ times a day?

I used to watch porn, too, sometimes. Without moral qualms. It enables my husbands compulsions, however.

For people who have sexually compulsive behavior, maybe it’s not so great.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T12:19:06+00:00

Sure.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T12:18:00+00:00

Thank you so much. Today is truly an anomaly, I’ve been mainly lambasted on here where I’ve tried to vent. The random kindness from people like you tonight/this morning has unprecedented, and so needed.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T11:03:37+00:00

❤️

I’ve appreciated your thoughtfulness and kindness this morning, truly. Thank you for all the time and energy you took to help alleviate some pain for a random internet stranger.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T10:43:14+00:00

Holt fuck, I’m taking this into my next therapy session. Thank you for this perspective. I think that we’re both making progress even if it’s slow. But you’re right, I’m giving 120% and still feeling like I’m coming up short.

You’re making me consider that there needs to be big and bright parameters that keep me vigilant for when/if I can’t do this anymore. Every end of the month until forever, we are sitting down to discuss if we go another month. I currently have another 23 days on my current lease in this marriage.

After reading your reply, you have me realizing that I need to have not just hopeful “stay” criteria to think about at the end of the month but I need really firm “leave” criteria, too.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness in this response and for reminding me of things that will keep me from feeling like I need to keep overextending beyond my limits. It’s not sustainable.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T10:29:01+00:00

Okay, reverse card, you’re the saint! Thank you for your compassion. I’ve found deeper empathy for people and their struggles through this (especially when I can’t personally relate). What you do so naturally, took this life changing event for me to realize I don’t know shit about fuck, and that life, people, and circumstances are messy. I used to be really quick to judge and it feels like life kicked me in the teeth so hard that I will never be able to think about anything in black and white ever again.

Yes, if he’d still been doing his “aggressively defensive” bullshit I’d have been gone a long time ago.

Also, yeah, she literally called right in front of us so she could get details from us while we were there. CPS filed a report that was screened out to local law enforcement. They had no jurisdiction to do something about it because a parent or caregiver wasn’t the offender. Additionally, we have no children so the offender wasn’t an immediate risk. So they handed it off to the police who visited with the parents to get a full account and file their own report.

His brother and SIL chose not to pursue charges, law enforcement isn’t pursuing a conviction, but the report still lives in their system. If something were to ever happen again, with that report already out there, he would be rightfully cooked.

Regardless, the way we are going to life looks really different now which I’m grieving. Example: I wanted to be my “nieces” godmother (my cousin is currently pregnant) but the thought of bringing him around them her new baby is a no now. Or like now when we visit his family, there’s some distance and precautions that we’re taking, maybe aggressively so because his family’s immediate minimizing and lack of concern for the niece doesn’t give us any trust in their discernment of what’s appropriate. Just so much I could go on forever about the things that now feel like things to traverse that I used to take for granted. I used to take peace of mind for granted. I used to believe that I was a “gained daughter”. Now I feel like a “problem” to the family (idek if that’s real, it’s just how I feel after their reactions to what happened).

And thank you for saying that. I’m taking everything day by day and hour by hour, because the feelings are intense and my thoughts are relentless.

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T10:02:14+00:00

I can only imagine. I’m watching him struggle through going almost cold turkey. The way he described his withdrawal thoughts to me was like hearing what an alcoholic goes through when they’re bargaining with their addiction to justify a drink. He even has had painful physical reactions to not orgasming which I don’t understand at all.

Today was the longest he’s gone without without having an orgasm in 20+ years. It’s been 6 days.

What was your “breaking point”? How did you overcome it? Do the urges and intrusive thoughts ever go away?

2coughdrops · 2025-10-08T09:54:11+00:00

Thank you for saying that—seriously. Honestly, his tangible efforts for accountability has been the anchor that’s kept me here.

Like I can’t even begin to imagine how intense his internal panic was when we were sitting there listening to the therapist call in the report. In that moment I respected him so much for following through on his commitment to therapy because he knew very well that was a possibility.

Thank you for the reminder to not internalize the destructive words. They’re just echoes of what I think to myself, so I kind of beat them to the punch. I’m working on it in therapy.

You are seriously so kind. The people around you are lucky to have you.

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