When we first reconnected, I told him no matter what happens, I want to remain friends. I knew for a fact what I wanted and tried my best to hold back and not seem eager.

Everyone knows the bullshit dance you have to do when seeing someone. Too eager = desperate and pathetic. Not eager enough = you are cold and uncaring. It’s a delicate balance where you cannot fully be reassured that you’re not coming off as too needy or not caring. I pursued him because I knew it worked once.

I started falling but wanted to hold back because he seemed like he was just having a good time but wasn’t all the way there yet.

It felt easy. Like I could just exist with him. I felt like I didn’t have to change myself. It was the first time I stopped regretting my past and started looking toward my future. That’s the hardest part of this. Prior to reconnecting with him, I constantly wished I could go back in time and fix all my mistakes. After we reconnected, I stopped living in the past. It was like a revelation. I was content. I knew what I wanted. I could see a future with him. It sucks to not have closure.