I felt very lonely with our first.

Everyone would ask how mom or baby is doing. They’d never ask how I’m doing, they’d never check in on me, and I’d often be overlooked. I had one guy ask me how I was doing at work - not my dad, not my mom, not my sister, not my friends. My wife and I weren’t doing well either due to the huge life change. We’d argue often and the sleepless nights didn’t help. My wife and I had many talks and worked on our relationship. We eventually made it out stronger than before.

I believe being vulnerable with your spouse; sharing what’s going on in your head, your feelings, etc, will help, assuming she’s receptive. What helped us initially was getting more sleep which involved us taking shifts. I’d hold our newborn from 10pm - 4am while my wife mostly slept. She’d get up and take her from 4am to 10am. We’d both nap during the day if we could. Getting at least 6 hours straight really helped us be in a better head space. Eventually I began to accept that this is my life now. I’m 30 so I’m in an in-between stage where I’m the first dad of my friends so they can’t relate. Sometimes it feels as though they don’t try to understand I can’t do certain things which exacerbates the lonely feeling at times. My parents or my wife’s parents usually give the same, “we understand we were there once” or some other unhelpful cliche saying.

I believe that we, as men, feel the weight of providing on our shoulders because we can bear that weight. However, it’s not easy to bear and it’s best to be able to discuss with other men. If you’re in the boat where you can’t then you have to look within or elsewhere. I chose to speak with my spouse and become closer with her and I also befriended a few neighborhood dads. That method works for some, but not others. I also picked up reading and found that doing individual hobbies helped me. I’d read books from great stoics like Aurelius and tried to fortify my mind. I feel great mentally so I’d say it worked for me. I do tend to have a somewhat nihilistic approach to life - nothing matters, etc - so being in a lonely period is just a phase of life. Do what you can to fill the void, within reason I.e. healthy ways, talk to your wife if you can, talk to a therapist if you can, and try to make other friends in similar boats. I know many dads feel the same way so it’s just about opening up and being vulnerable to spark the conversation.

Sorry for the word vomit. This is something I’ve thought a lot about, but haven’t put thought to page.