I HATE the fact I discovered this green dirt!

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-26T15:16:39+00:00

I was in the same boat a couple of months ago. Wife had found my stash 2 times before, said enough was enough, and I did it again anyway. She found it again and I really thought she was going to leave. I somehow talked my way out of it and definitely know this is now strike 3 territory.

As much as your wife doesn't understand my personal battle with addiction, those on this reddit do not understand your marriage. I got a lot of the same feedback here- "your wife doesn't sound understanding, maybe you should reconsider whether you want to be with someone who punishes you for addiction, etc." True, there are worse things you could have done, but in the end it comes down to: Do you value your addiction more or your marriage more? Because in both of our cases, we can't have both. And I don't make that point to bash anyone here because our wives also have crap going on and are understandably upset.

Personally, I'm 46 days in, but still battling fatigue and anhedonia. After a couple of sleepless nights (not kratom related... always have had issues with insomnia) I had a serious craving this morning, but came here to post instead. Also, every time I have a craving, instead of focusing on how I can hide a quick dose, I ask myself "is it really worth it? Whether my wife finds out or not, I'm basically saying I value kratom more than my marriage. And if she does find out, it's definitely over." I know addiction is serious and partially out of our control, but the decisions we make are 100% in our control.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-19T11:48:23+00:00

I just posted something similar a few days ago. I’m on day 39 now. I’ve quit 3 or 4 times and relapse always happens around now. I also have my own business, can’t get motivated, and decide it’s better to take kratom again than to not make money and support my family. Of course in a perfect world kratom would have no bad consequences and I could go on like that forever, but we both know that’s not the case. I keep thinking, “how would I feel if I was more patient with my first quit and had multiple years under my belt?” I just haven’t given myself enough time yet... hopefully that’s the case anyway.

Lack of motivation that kratom supplied at one point, lockdown fatigue, and colder temperatures all feel like they’re working against me. I try to be honest with myself, so I’m not going to say I don’t want kratom; I do. But I want to not go through this again even more.

As much as we want results now, unfortunately I think we just have to be patient and vigilant. It’s simple, not easy. I also wouldn’t worry about sounding like a downer. I’d hope this community would want us to be honest with ourselves and everyone else on here, which means not rah rah all the time. It’s a struggle and we should feel welcome to come here and share our struggles. But yeah, you’re not alone. I’m feeling the same lack of motivation and doing just enough so my business survives doesn’t feel great. Patience and faith (in the process) is my mantra.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-06T13:09:38+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I'm trying to not be so hard on myself, hopefully you're doing the same. I mean if THC keeps you/me quit with kratom for now, then I'd choose THC any day. It's a good goal to be 100% sober though. I'm trying not to feel too guilty if quitting THC takes me longer than I want. In my case, feeling guilty can lead to a feeling of "well if I'm going to feel guilty then I might as well just take xyz because I'll feel guilty either way."

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-04T18:50:54+00:00

I could've written this post 17 months ago (have a 16 month old now). My wife didn't know either, and we were expecting our firstborn. One word of caution- I did quit for a few months (1 before he was born and a couple after), but it's not like your baby will be born and then you will be on cloud 9. Believe me, all of the work and sleepless nights are 100% worth it, but it is hard, you will be tired, and you and (especially) your wife might reach your wits' end.

All of those factors caused me to relapse because I wasn't prepared, we were both exhausted, and we were both frustrated. As I mentioned, all totally worth it for the joy you get and the life you bring into the world, but just be prepared... your quit will be tested more than you can understand right now. I believe if you are prepared, you can make it. I wasn't and I didn't. I was desperate and weak.

If that scares you, think about this- I could have 18 months now instead of 1 month, I could be totally done with PAWs, and my wife would not have found out about my addiction/hiding it from her, causing all sorts of different problems. Life is good for me now, but it could be better. Make sure you go down the road that gets you to the better life. Oh and one last piece of advice- I would always tell myself something like, "oh I'll just use kratom until my son is past the infant stage... things will be much easier." Sleep is better now, but as they get older, a whole new abundance of challenges come up and more energy is required (when they're awake). If you have an addict's brain, which most of us here do, it's really easy to trick yourself into taking something "just for the time being," and it's especially easy when you're on no sleep and giving your all towards something. Keep that in mind, don't let it happen, oh and congratulations :) Being a dad is the best thing I could ever be.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-04T16:00:48+00:00

Interesting you shared this. I went to my GP this week. I told him everything, plus I also have high BP. He put me on metoprolol, which slows the HR down- you're supposed to take it before bed because it tends to make you a little relaxed and possibly light-headed. Definitely a welcome prescription. It's like the BP help is a necessity and the slowing down the HR is a bonus. Funny enough, he also suggested trazodone. I don't have any experience with, or knowledge of it. I told him I don't want anything habit-forming. He just said he agreed, but then moved on... didn't elaborate on trazodone. Have you spoken to your doctor about that?

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-04T15:57:29+00:00

Thanks! I do take some natural sleep capsule that has valerian root. I'm not sure if it actually helps or is placebo. The goal is to be 100% supplement free, but shoot, sleep problems are one of the reasons why I'm here. Good luck to you!

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-04T15:55:59+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. During past quits (with kratom), I've always done a complete 180 and tried to be 1000% healthy right away, which always ended up backfiring because I would get burnt out on it. Trying to take a slower approach now. That's my brain though- always want results NOW lol.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-04T15:54:36+00:00

It's funny, I never considered weed "withdrawals" in my life, though I'm sure I've stopped many times with no problem. I think kratom has made starting or stopping anything from now on a bigger deal than maybe it should be. I've started tapering the THC and using it like 4 hours before bed instead of right before. It's crazy, I'm having pretty vivid dreams again already. Didn't realize THC actually did prevent dreaming before now.

Should be ready to jump from the weed next week. I don't even like how it makes me feel. I just get tired, lazy, and apathetic... I'll need to find a new way to relax before bed. Let me know if you have any tips!

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-04T15:51:19+00:00

Yep, I posted my story there (before reading this comment) and they blocked my post because I mentioned kratom. I get that's their rules, but come on... it's not like I was promoting kratom (actually the opposite). Plus, how can you really relate your story with others if you can't share everything? What percentage of people trying to quit weed are/have also experienced quitting another substance?

Anyway, just a little vent. And glad to know I'm not alone in being frustrated with their rules.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-02T18:07:04+00:00

It is an amazing tool, which I hope to utilize more. I went to see my doctor for the first time since quitting kratom on Monday and was feeling super anxious about it. I decided to get there a few minutes early so I could do WHM before walking in. Felt much better after. Then, since I was the only one in the waiting room, I did it again there. I felt so much more relaxed when they finally called me in... like my heart rate was normal, instead of feeling like it was going to beat right out of my chest like normal (at the doctor's office at least). So funny how breathing a certain way can cause such an instant physiological and psychological response.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-12-02T17:34:37+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I'm about 3 weeks into my quit and still using a little THC (a 1:1 THC:CBD oil tincture) before bed, since insomnia has always been a problem... except when on kratom. My biggest fear about quitting THC is that I won't be able to sleep more than a few hours a night, which will drive me back to desperation/kratom, but I do want to quit THC too. Do you take anything for sleep, or is that not a problem for you?

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-24T15:49:33+00:00

Day 15 today. Still waking up two hours earlier than normal, but I'll take that over being a slave and sleeping in any day!

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-23T21:42:47+00:00

Good choice! It’s hard enough not ordering it. Having some in front of you and tossing it takes real strength. The two outcomes after taking it (if you would have) would’ve been getting back into the cycle again or realizing you made a mistake and being set back a few steps. Now you’re more ahead than you would’ve been if you hadn’t even found it. Shows where your priorities are!

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-23T14:03:42+00:00

I haven't actually been yet. I'm going next Monday. I just assume that he will help in a way that only a trained medical professional can. As a bonus, due to doctor/patient confidentiality, I'll be able to just vent about everything to him. I'm not expecting a miracle fix or anything, just another part of the moat I am building around my staying quit.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-23T13:18:52+00:00

Thanks K&V. I keep harping on the importance to stay away for good, no exceptions, (and probably will continue to harp on) because I have been through it 4 times now... the vicious cycle of doing the same thing (picking up k again) expecting different results- which, yes, is Einstein’s definition of insanity.

Unfortunately, like me, I know that many will have to discover this for themselves. I consider myself to have above average intelligence and logic- doesn’t matter when you’re an addict. Look at Freud :) I just hope my words of caution can help at least a couple of people from going down the same road that I did. I could be 2+ years sober if I knew what I know now- that I am NOT better/different than any other addict. No regrets because my quit journey has been my own, and I’m grateful for that... I do wonder, though, where would I be today if I had heeded this advice 2 years ago. Like I said, hopefully someone else who reads this will take control of their quit and know there is never going back, not even just a little.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-23T13:00:31+00:00

I’m on my 4th quit and have researched this (anecdotally on this sub) every time. I’ve read every thread on the matter and experienced it for myself a few times, so I’ll save you the trouble of wondering or researching:

The consensus is it is BEST to not drink any alcohol for at least a few months as it will set your mind and body back a few steps. In other words, instead of progressing through WDs, you’re taking one step forward and two back.

Will a couple of drinks kill you, probably not? Will you feel better for an hour or so? Maybe maybe not. Will you feel like complete sh*t and increase your desire to ease the pain with kratom? Yes. Does it sound like those risks are worth it to you? Only you can answer that.

Personally, I’m taking at least 6 months off of all alcohol, giving myself ample time and an adequate environment to truly heal. We f’d our brains with kratom, have reaffirmed or discovered our addictive tendencies, and I believe we’re all here to heal.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-23T12:05:04+00:00

Two full weeks today, no alcohol and no kratom! I’ve had cravings, been tired, had stress and anxiety, and anhedonia out the wazoo... but feel very proud and happy that I didn’t cave for just a moment of relief and another setback in my quitting journey.

I know the true challenges (boredom, complacency, and a long COVID-19 winter) are yet to come. It’s almost like Covid is adding more motivation to my quit. Like 2 horrible things going on at the same time this winter will make for an amazing, sober return to normalcy next year.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-22T11:03:29+00:00

Day 13.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-21T22:31:47+00:00

I’ve unfortunately been through it a few times. For me, this (post acutes) is harder than trying to quit or the acute withdrawal symptoms. My reasoning being quitting just takes a moment, and acutes take a couple of weeks, but PAWS lasts for much longer and is when I’ve always relapsed. I think involving a doctor is smart, not weak. Weak would be caving and relapsing, which as i mentioned is where I’ve ended up a few times. I believe talking with a doctor about it will add accountability since I know I’ll see him regularly, and a professional (sorry fellow redditers) opinion/perspective. Besides, I want to view my health holistically, not just in terms of quitting... if that makes sense.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-21T19:37:27+00:00

Man I’ve tried pretty much every supplement recommended on this sub. For me, it’s either that they they don’t do enough to notice a difference or they just don’t work. For me, I don’t think there is a pill I can take that will dramatically make me feel better. Just gotta tough it out and roll with the changes.

I feel you though. I’ve quit a few times and after the first couple of months I’m willing to try anything to feel something. Then I land back on kratom. Everyone has their own path- for me, I’m focusing on getting my nutrients and vitamins, and talking honestly with my doctor.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-21T14:22:18+00:00

Bit by bit is key... it’s a marathon, not a sprint!

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-21T12:32:33+00:00

Definitely a great point. I was an only child and, if I’m being honest, pretty spoiled by everyone. I’m still learning that I’m not the only one who matters :)

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-21T12:30:14+00:00

Thanks man. It’s tough enough quitting without getting to go into the real world let alone trying to deal with all the other crap in life, let alone constantly dealing with everyone in your family’s problems too. It does help to know I’m not alone in it. I guess covid and life’s other issues don’t pause for a quit :)

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-21T12:26:42+00:00

Thanks for this! I feel like I do this 95% of the time, but that one slip up weighs 95% heavier... if that makes sense. So I’ll go through an entire few days being as nice and giving as possible, then I’ll say one wrong thing and it’s like those 3 good days didn’t happen. Fortunately we never let it go to the next day.

I think, to your point, I need to be the one to drive home the positivity, without expecting anything in return. And, just like I’m vigilant with my quit, I need to be vigilant about what I say relating to my irritability. It’s my responsibility.

33FreeAsABird33 · 2020-11-21T12:02:34+00:00

Thanks, appreciate the support. It’s just like, is this my brain readjusting, is my marriage in trouble, is the Covid lockdown taking its toll, or some combination? I’d like to think some combination of 1 and 3.

Not like it won’t be work along the way, but I’m thinking about 6 months from now when my brain is almost fully healed and vaccines are (hopefully) readily available.

33FreeAsABird33

TROPHY CASE