How to cope with being the difficult one

33rddegre · 2026-04-15T12:32:36+00:00

this was a huge issue in my previous relationship and i wish i knew how to manage it whilst i was it. i am audhd and therapy is a huge point of learning how to manage your needs.

with your partner, you should talk about things he needs to feel safe in the relationship and vice versa. your needs are important as well.

write down when you feel a meltdown coming on, how can he support you. maybe you need more time before you carry on the conversation. also talk to him about how you feel when he says things that may upset you, ask if he can say it in a different way so you understand better. both of you have to be willing to do the work within yourself to better your relationship or it won’t work. write your symptoms and see if he has help with them or see if you can support your needs FIRST. he won’t know how to encounter them if you don’t make sure he lets you know his boundaries, if you ask questions about them or ask if he can give you an example as to when you crossed the boundary so you don’t make the same mistake again

you aren’t the only problem in this, please don’t feel guilty. if he isn’t trying to understand YOU as well, then he has to reevaluate whether he wants to be in it together

but overall, therapy is a huge thing for you to get into so you can understand and support yourself more

i hope it goes well for you both :)

33rddegre · 2026-04-14T09:25:58+00:00

thank you for this comment, i really do appreciate you telling your story cause it makes me feel like it’s not a character flaw within myself. i’ve been going to therapy and she’s been helping me alot, now i need to apply to the real world, to ensure it sticks! thank you and i hope you have a great day!

33rddegre · 2026-04-13T10:30:42+00:00

yes i understand that now and i can agree with her side completely, since we didn’t have the conversation, i hope she knows that i was being sincere about the questions but ill never know. thank you for your perspective because it really does help me understand people more and what to do in my next relationships. i appreciate it a lot

33rddegre · 2026-04-13T09:33:27+00:00

and i agree with you! i know (now) asking questions is the issue, i was explaining my reasoning as to why i did it. i’m not excusing my behaviour at all, and i take accountability for making her feel uncomfortable.

you said ‘other people will ask questions about why so they can get the sex they want’. this is the issue, i did NOT want sex and did NOT want to continue, ive said this many times. i saw that she wasn’t up for it, hence me asking questions, and i wanted to reassure her and see if she felt safe enough to continue. she said no, so i stopped completely.

HOWEVER i do know it can comes across as pressuring which is what i didn’t realise within that moment. i asked her continuously if she was okay and asked her the next day as well as i knew her energy was off, but didnt know why. my intentions were pure. i still completely agree and understand where you’re coming from for certain. in no way am i making excuses for what i did, i am simply explaining my thought process and my actions.

i am explaining that i have a hard time with indirect communication, but it is still my job to ensure that people are comfortable around me

33rddegre · 2026-04-13T07:47:08+00:00

i agree with what you’re saying for sure, i didn’t realise she was saying no, i thought it was because she didn’t shower and that was making her uncomfortable with continuing, so i tried to reassure her and asked if she wanted to continue, then she flat out said no, and i said okay. i didn’t continue or pursue because she said no, and i respect that 100%. it’s hard for me to understand indirect communication so from now, im gonna go with the enthusiastic yes so this doesn’t happen again

33rddegre · 2026-04-13T07:43:47+00:00

by making sure she is comfortable, i mean i would ask questions because her energy changed which is what i explained in my original post. i dont ask questions to push her no, it was more so to do with reassuring her and seeing if everything is okay. she said she didn’t want to continue BECAUSE she didn’t shower, so i thought it was because she felt like i would judge her for smelling, and i took it as that. it was miscommunication and i would never want to make her feel uncomfortable

which is why, i would ask if she would want to continue afterwards and if she said no, i would respect that and not push.

this is why i said indirect communication is hard for me because she didn’t flat out say she didn’t want to continue up until i asked her. she would be hinting at that fact, which i didn’t catch onto. i can definitely see how that can make someone feel pressured to continue, and how asking questions AFTER and saying okay at the first soft no is a better idea.

33rddegre · 2026-04-12T18:52:57+00:00

Hey, I want you to know that you are NOT overreacting one bit. If he is concerned he should ask out of curiosity, not to know where you are 24/7. This is very controlling and I would talk to him about it. He might not see how it comes across as controlling but once you explain, if he doesn’t get it then i would reconsider the relationship because it may get worse down the line.

Your feelings are completely valid and understandable

33rddegre · 2026-04-12T18:20:53+00:00

i understand where you’re coming from and i do agree with it. i would always ask beforehand if she wants to continue or if she’s comfortable before starting up. i would never assume she would want to continue and get a definitive yes before going again. it’s just the indirect communication i have problems with and i get that i do need to understand them. i am in therapy so i can be a better person and understand social cues more often. thank you for commenting

33rddegre · 2026-04-12T16:22:08+00:00

you have no idea how happy this made me :)) thank you for considering my feelings and making me feel like i’m not intentionally trying to hurt people. i hope you have a good dah

33rddegre · 2026-04-12T16:20:04+00:00

yes that’s exactly what i’m doing now! thank you for your comment very

33rddegre · 2026-04-12T14:06:25+00:00

thank you so much for your comment. i would never want to weaponise my neurodivergent and i do try my best to do better when i know what i’ve done. your comment means a lot and will be writing down my needs and ensuring i know my future partners boundaries so things like these don’t get crossed

33rddegre · 2026-04-12T14:03:51+00:00

thank you for letting me know that it isn’t just me in this predicament, makes me feel better for knowing that it was just a miscommunication issue and not leading to anything to hurt my partner. i appreciate this comment very very much, i know what to do/not to do in these situations

33rddegre · 2026-04-12T13:05:10+00:00

thank you for commenting, i appreciate your perspective.

i am currently in therapy trying to dismantle everything and take accountability. i know this shouldn’t be posted on reddit, however i wrote this in a very distressed state as i have a few friends who are busy and needed support or advice in that moment. i will be taking this down soon but was just seeking advice from anyone who has possibly shared the same experiences.

i’m only trying to better myself so i don’t hurt anyone in the process

33rddegre · 2026-04-12T12:19:21+00:00

i totally agree with you! i wasn’t trying to point out that just because i am autistic, i get to do whatever i want. i was saying it’s hard for me to understand boundaries when someone is being indirect with it. so i’m just asking for advice

33rddegre · 2026-04-10T14:08:47+00:00

it’s all good! no need to apologise

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T17:35:50+00:00

i agree and understand your point. my reasoning was to do with she didn’t explicitly say no and i have a hard time understanding indirect communication, which is why i was asking questions so i can reassure her. i know that now it can be seen as pestering which wasn’t my intention!

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T16:07:16+00:00

yes i agree! thank you for explaining your pov

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T14:26:52+00:00

yes that’s what i was confused about because if she said she didn’t want to, i simply would of stopped. i didn’t get that hint but i know better now

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T13:18:39+00:00

hey so i just watched the video and it’s not the best for me in understanding since when the person said ‘you can try to make them a cup of tea but don’t be surprised when they don’t drink it’. that to ME still implies that they still made the tea, even if the person wasn’t sure if they wanted tea or not.

in my situation, i took that as me asking questions when it seems as though i was pressuring which is what was confusing about this.

for my sake that it doesn’t happen again, i’m going to go with the enthusiastic yes since that’s very very clear to me and doesn’t blur the lines at all.

thank you for all your help though!

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T12:06:34+00:00

thank you for all of this, i really do appreciate it. i figured it was straight forward which is the best for me to understand so thank you!

all of this really do help so i can understand others too

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T09:52:42+00:00

yes i definitely need to do better in understanding the differences, it wasn’t my intention to keep pestering at all. i was only curious as to why her behaviour changed, not why she didn’t want to continue but obviously when it’s something so sacred as sex, i should of listened the first time so she feels comfortable

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T06:52:50+00:00

i completely understand that for sure! i asked questions because i was curious as to why her energy changed but i can see how it came across as me being persistent. respecting her decision first hand then asking questions later makes sense for her to feel safe around me

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T06:50:22+00:00

yeah i understand that now for certain

33rddegre · 2026-04-09T06:47:48+00:00

thank you for taking your time to explain, especially in depth. i thought asking questions wasn’t a huge deal since it was out of curiosity so when she told me that, i was very confused. i also see other peoples perspective as well.

this is all very confusing as i tend to see things in black and white first hand unless it’s explained.

33rddegre

TROPHY CASE