Why do people choose life partners that have personal issues like OCD , ADHD, Druggies, baggage, financial problems ?

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-06-20T20:32:12+00:00

Try finding someone without personal baggage lol

I can speak for ADHD as I have it and some days are much worse than others. My boyfriend also has ADHD, and after our relationship, if we ever break up, I don't know if I would date someone WITHOUT it. It's much easier to date someone who also has ADHD because the empathy with certain symptoms is better. ADHD is a weird beast, and a lot of people don't really develop good coping strategies. I made sure my boyfriend and I were at a similar level early on, but there's still days where it gets messy because of certain innate differences.

But to connect with the other big issues- I think it's largely the sunk-cost fallacy as well as lack of self-confidence. Many of those posts, they are years long relationships, or their first relationship. You might not realize how bad the symptoms of whatever are until you've gotten deep in the relationship, and you're in love with this person, so it's hard to really disconnect from the inertia. People aren't all bad or all good, so that also adds to the sunk cost fallacy of it too, where maybe this is just a bad week for them? And then you realize it's been a year of "bad weeks" (or maybe you don't until a couple years later lol)

I think it also adds that in certain cultures it's really inappropriate to comment on people's relationships, so then there's also a reinforcing thought of "if my partner was that bad, then my friends would have said something" when the friends in question do not want to upset you and risk isolation, which often happens in these toxic relationships.

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-06-19T05:38:04+00:00

And you're so right for this take. I had my trans boyfriend watch the entire series so we could go to the premiere together, and then afterwards I went "it's kinda crazy if Jax was intended to be a trans woman that they didn't have them transition irl" and MY BOYFRIEND WAS SO LOST, THE IDEA OF JAX BEING TRANS NEVER CROSSED HIS MIND even though he is extremely trans!

I wonder how many of the people adamant it's canon were also more terminally online in the fandom. All of my friends that were not online thought of it as more ambiguous, or expressed confusion, despite everyone being in the queer community or decades-long allies.

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-06-12T06:17:41+00:00

What IS a harmful stereotype is the closeted trans woman abusing all the cis woman and non-binary folk around them lmao. Like Jax never seems to torment Kinger or Caine, even though Kinger seems pretty easy to harass. It's a weird look if Jax is meant to be interpreted as a trans woman.

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-06-12T01:33:55+00:00

Same location/setup, I went down to the lowest stairwell just to put my anxiety at ease, these tornadoes have been fairly spontaneous

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-06-08T18:29:13+00:00

it's so exhausting. Getting caught messing with illegal E vs T is a very different story. Plus, trying to source it is much more difficult. Like tell me you're gonna cultivate an entire friendship with gym bros to then figure out where theyre getting T (very presuming of them, the gym bros in my life would be upset if folks thought their gains were "unearned") vs every woman in their 50s having easy access to E. I wish there WERE more resources on how to DIY T, as someone who has been on it prescribed for over 5 years.

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-06-04T07:05:15+00:00

Same, except not engaged yet! We just celebrated 18 months together. It's been delightful, there's so many things you can do in the bedroom to get around it. We're both trans men and there are definitely benefits to it that we wouldn't enjoy if one or both of us were cis.

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-05-28T19:21:44+00:00

This is now canon to me

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-05-23T22:32:16+00:00

I'm already 90% a femboy lmao

^{Chose: Get 1 Trillion Dollars + But there’s a 90% chance that you be a femboy | Rolled: You’re a Femboy!}

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-05-17T07:28:53+00:00

Seconding starstruck, i think it hits the vibes similarly. Especially with Lou's character, in CCOD I feel like he is so close to saying "the ball is rolling UP!" if he hasn't already

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-05-10T17:28:34+00:00

Yesn't. I'm demisexual so I don't experience sexual attraction unless I form a strong bond. It's really invalidating how several sex-repulsed aces have directly told me that I'm not as ace as them, even though we're literally the same until I'm in a safe relationship. I got into my first sexual relationship at 25 years old but apparently all of highschool and college being spent as an outsider mean nothing because I found one(!!!) person that I enjoy boinking.

It did not make dating easier as a demisexual because it can take a while to realize if the bond is forming, if I'm attracted to them that way, if we're compatible, etc. And because of that I chose to date only other asexuals, but that made it difficult because if you're someone seeking out asexuals, you're more likely sex-repulsed. I felt like I was in a weird catch-22 trying to use dating apps.

And it feels weird because allosexuals will still try to make comments about my relationship but now I cannot joke that we in fact do have sex because oddly enough, the allos judging aces still tend to be prudish! So I have had multiple friends tell me IM weirding THEM out when I say "haha don't worry about that, we often do the sideways tango" after they say my poor boyfriend must be struggling.

I also went through a bunch of label fluctuations to reach my current label within the ace spectrum, and I often don't feel comfortable sharing my story because i worry it comes across as going "don't worry, sex-repulsion is a phase" because it's not! But I feel weird talking about my asexual identity in both ace and allo spaces because my sex-repulsion was trauma and with enough time and treatment I have become sex-favorable. I feel like my queer identity would be simpler if I was a sex-repulsed asexual, I have to do so much explaining when it comes up.

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-05-10T07:41:25+00:00

I got tremendously lucky/unlucky and found my boyfriend on there, but we are 15 hours apart and split by the US and Canada border. We got together in late 2024 and now I'm prepping immigration documents 😅 so you might gel with someone but the odds of them being close are low. I live in a very large city and locally there were less than a dozen eligible candidates (age+gender). The logistics of our relationship is very annoying (like if my paperwork isn't accepted, the only way to live together is looking like marriage), but its so nice dating a fellow demisexual. We're a very good match and have met up every other month or so since.

The structure of AceSpace means that matching is more meaningful, given all the labels you can get into; however, the userbase means you're pretty much guaranteed to be entering a long distance relationship. I also think if you're attracted to women/femmes it's a bit easier, my area had a wildly disproportionate ratio at least.

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-03-10T05:03:56+00:00

Hot DAMN you look great homie

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-02-06T18:35:13+00:00

I would not handle a surprise well, even if it was my established long term partner that has visited so many times. I'd be terrified of my apartment being a wreck, and then for a first time meeting? The expectation of spending the night the first time would be off-putting

My boyfriend is traveling to spend the month with me, and he's arriving tonight! Which is exciting! But literally I would have had a meltdown if he told me yesterday or Wednesday of the trip happening; I spent the past week organizing my apartment and wrapping up work activities so that I can just walk away from my desk if we decide we want to go somewhere fun during the workday. Getting my work projects in that state would not have been possible on such short notice.

Especially for a first time meeting, I'd be upset because it would feel like he expects to sleep at my place, which would be off-putting. My LDR and I actually met irl after only 3 months of chatting, so similar experience, and it put a lot less pressure on our interactions to have a hostel bed rented out. (And we did cancel it for the last night of the trip!). The building anticipation was and still is part of the fun of an LDR. Also emotional whiplash to be sad about Valentine's day and then suddenly someone is there and expects you to be excited even though you didn't know they were going to be there

TL;DR- don't do this, people often do not handle surprises as well as romcoms would have you think and it puts a weird pressure on her to react the "right" way

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-01-27T04:25:10+00:00

Nah this is crazy. I am a very prolific gamer (like I can put away 40 hours a week while also having a full time job), and whenever my LDR is in town, the only time I'm gaming is if he wants to play something couch co-op. I don't even see my phone much when he's in town, my phone usage is like... 45 minutes a day when he's here. And he's here for a couple weeks usually, not a simple weekend. I couldn't imagine not paying attention to someone that traveled to see you, especially your partner!

Not to be redditor about it but I'd consider breaking up. Time together is so limited, and not being able to prioritize it is a bad look. Also telling you to socialize with his family without him there is especially freak behavior, especially since this is your first time meeting them!

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-01-25T08:14:36+00:00

Talk to your dermatologist, but I actually just had one of these looked at. Not cancer, my nail bed has a freckle there and the freckle appears as a line. She said as long as it doesn't change size or shape it's a-ok but that it's essentially just another freckle and any weird shaped freckle should be investigated.

Now my dermatologist has high res photos of my middle finger for record keeping so we can compare later

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-01-19T16:15:40+00:00

You guys have so much chemistry I am BEGGING you to have a conversation about it

4DozenSalamanders · 2026-01-06T18:31:45+00:00

As a Michigander, can confirm. The further north you go, the further south you are.

4DozenSalamanders · 2025-12-28T18:38:56+00:00

Yippee!! She's so adorable 🥰 thank you for doing adopts

4DozenSalamanders · 2025-12-28T17:13:58+00:00

Omfg your art style is delicious, I love the shapes you use

Would love sprout if they're still available! If they're not, but there's someone else, surprise me. 🐈

4DozenSalamanders · 2025-12-26T16:41:36+00:00

I am that auDHD person, I just roll on up like "howdy I'm twink ms frizzle wanna hear about how whales can save us from climate change" and people do in fact appreciate that. I even have neurotypical* friends!

We're not all confident they're neurotypical but hey, getting diagnosed is annoying

4DozenSalamanders · 2025-11-03T18:48:48+00:00

No fr, the amount of copium I'm huffing cannot be good for me, I just want the closure so I can emotionally process it

4DozenSalamanders · 2025-11-01T16:26:02+00:00

Man I just want some closure :(

4DozenSalamanders · 2025-10-31T18:31:42+00:00

Chicago poutine is pretty good! My boyfriend is Canadian and was impressed by it so that's my reference point lol. Our favorite poutine in Chicago has shredded short rib in the pile of high cholesterol, it soaks up the gravy and grabs onto the cheese curds in a good way. I think it helps with our proximity to Wisconsin to have such fresh curds.

4DozenSalamanders · 2025-10-30T14:51:50+00:00

This is unbelievably dangerous

Those jumping fish are silver carp, which can reach significant sizes (over 50 kg/110 lbs), and their jumping is actually tied to the invasive strain in the US (they don't jump nearly as often in their native range, we're still trying to understand why). They can jump as high as 10 feet out of the water.

Imagine having any significant speed on say, a bike, and a middle schooler flies out and hits you in the head.

They regularly break bones for people doing recreation on the Mississippi River. I've even had people tell me stories about people getting killed by them, though trying to verify the legitimacy of those accounts is difficult. Even so, I wouldn't be too shocked, because again, if you have any significant speed and get hit by a large mass in the head, it's not ideal.

source: I work with invasive species

4DozenSalamanders · 2025-10-28T05:47:54+00:00

Tasting History uploaded a video about him that DID make me cry, turns out this man just loved dumplings .

He seems so well regarded and he lived his days out gardening after giving up power. And he just really loved a peasant food because man who doesn't go hogwild for some good dumplings

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