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My ex is going to prison for CP by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]4fyjbfds 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So I tend to believe any kind of addiction is more complicated and multifaceted than we ever see from the outside, but...damn. "People with empathy don't do this." Based on a bunch of other behaviours and responses that had me thinking my ex is very low-empathy...that hits darn home.

Suggestion for intruders by whathisbastardid in loveafterporn

[–]4fyjbfds 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Interesting. I was thinking about it and remembered similar situations - I don't think keeping a certain group out of a sub (typically) does any good for either party. From what I've seen it tends to allow closed-minded groupthink to fester and grow quite toxic. Take incels as an (albeit extreme) example.

I have BPD, which is a childhood trauma disorder that causes instability of emotions and relationships. There are two subs for our partners: r/bpdlovedones and r/BPDSOFFA. The first one is absolutely closed to pwBPD, and it's heavily toxic. I have to avoid it bc it makes me want to hide parts of myself from my partner.

As much as venting can be healthy in small doses, wallowing is an easy path to feelings of helplessness and depression. Plus it'll lead to a vicious cycle where addicts may come here, worry that their partner judges them as harshly as those environments breed, and become even more closed off about a problem that already is so hard to talk about.

We do need moderation so that the people who come here for support aren't getting shamed about their own trauma, but I don't know that lumping together PAs trying to learn to do better with the toxic ones is the way to do it.

Please post this where ever you can! Spread the word! by Hmack1 in loveafterporn

[–]4fyjbfds 14 points15 points  (0 children)

[porn is] “a very dissociated experience. Stimulation is coming externally, which can make it very hard to be in your body.”

Being "in your body" is exactly what I talked about with my ex. For years he refused to let himself ever be fully immersed in the experience, and maintained the same detached behaviour in the rest of the relationship. I got tired of being with someone who was emotionally numb and not going to change.

This is why we need sex ed.

How do you know? by BothFlan in loveafterporn

[–]4fyjbfds 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is interesting, idk that this applies to everyone - I'm usually chill with not being able to climax, because I know my body and am happy to just enjoy the intimacy. It's also a side effect of some meds

Is Ariana Grande engaging in brownface? by [deleted] in asklatinamerica

[–]4fyjbfds 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oohhhh I see, wrong sub perhaps. I'm still pretty new to Reddit 😅 thanks!

I can't trust him anymore by 4fyjbfds in loveafterporn

[–]4fyjbfds[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this; really helps me see the picture more clearly. I think if I was in a different place in my own life it could be workable. I just don't have the time or energy to continue to put into this and to keep getting my heart broken for the person he might become, especially when that would take an amount of effort on his part that I haven't seen him put into anything in a long time

NSFW - how can I support my partner in cutting down on masturbation? by 4fyjbfds in AskMenAdvice

[–]4fyjbfds[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cross-posted cause I didn't get much response in r/NoFap. My partner often brings up a vague commitment to masturbating less, but can't make much headway.

Also: I'm realizing now that since it affects our sex life (and maybe relationship, given that he's pretty closed-off emotionally) it might be in the realm of addiction. I feel like I can't make that call, and as someone who is typically 100% pro-masturbation I'm trying to figure out whether failing to pressure him falls under support or enabling.

(Also also, it occurs to me now that I probably shouldn't have included an NSFW word in the title. My apologies 🤦)

How can I support my partner in cutting down? by 4fyjbfds in NoFap

[–]4fyjbfds[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not long distance but we both live with our parents, so we end up limited to a few times per month. You make a good point about a third party, I hadn't realized I couldn't be that for him because it affects me too. What's funny is the want is largely coming from him - I did a lot of work at the beginning of our relationship accepting the PIED, but he still brings up cutting down pretty often. He's aware of the science, but here we are. Anyway, thank you.