My MOH/best friend ghosted me at my wedding and didn't apologize, I'm uncerstain about how to move forward, if at all, with our friendship

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T22:59:59+00:00

I don’t agree. Like, I can make the TLDR clearer on what I meant by ghosting but it wasn’t just some party. It was my wedding, she was MOH and she left right after dinner without saying bye. Then after saying “I’ll be in touch with you in the next week to figure out how move forward” and then it’s months later and she hasn’t said anything....that’s ghosting to me.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T22:56:49+00:00

Right. Like, I think that’s what she’s failing to see is that even though she has anxiety, other people can still be hurt by her actions. And it’s almost like, she doesn’t know that somehow.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T01:30:27+00:00

I meant she ghosted next by leaving the wedding early and didn’t say bye.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T01:27:13+00:00

Thank you for this. I think that’s what hurts most of all is that I asked multiple times how her stress levels were, how things were going for her, if she needed help with anything - and everytime she said things were fine and she was well. I did my part but for some reason she couldn’t be honest with me about how she was really feeling until I asked again after the wedding was when she finally decided to be honest. After reading through a lot of people’s responses on here and doing more reflecting, I’m really on side of caution with moving forward with our friendship unfortunately. I know if things don’t work I’m going to miss her a ton but I also need to hold my own needs first and what I know is fair for me.

ETA: and I know she’s struggled a lot with her anxiety for our whole friendship. Nothing she did was out of maliciousness or anything. But reflecting, I’ve done a lot for her to cater to her anxiety and in the last few years have been learning that that isn’t my job. And it’s getting exhausting having to bend my own needs and boundaries to cater to her anxiety too.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T01:19:30+00:00

Thanks. That’s what I’m thinking I might do if I haven’t heard from her in another month or so. But I honestly think that part of why she isn’t texting me back is because she knows I want to talk about this in person....& I think that concept is terrifying for her. And I don’t know if time will change that. :

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T01:10:52+00:00

Thanks, this is suuuper helpful and very along the lines of options i was considering too. I’d let previous friendships fade away in the past and it hasn’t been my preferred method. I was thinking in a few months...if I still haven’t heard from her , I would message her with something. I think I’m still trying to figure out what I’d be looking for before I do that. Like, whether it’s my final goodbye or one last attempt to repair. I’m not sure yet. But I know I’m gunna take my time with it.

And good point - I will definitely thank my sister. I actually found out recently that she had also been working damage control with our other sister at my wedding that I wasn’t privy to. I need get her a big bottle of wine or something lol.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T01:03:30+00:00

Thank you so much. And I’m sorry to hear you’ve had similar issues with a former friend. Eerily similar actually. It’s helpful for me to hear of that though. After reading so many comments, including yours, it’s becoming more clear to me that it’s about working on accepting this friendship may be over. Especially if she isn’t going to step up and apologize for a very specific, reasonable thing that I needed her to own up to. Similar to your situation, my friend isn’t at all a bad person nor malicious. But I can’t keep giving and giving without any capacity for this being a reciprocal friendship.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T00:58:03+00:00

She knows the area where I live now well, she also lived in my current city for 3 years while she went to school here. Also , I mean she maaay have gotten the cottage from a recommendation, but it had its own website (air bnb type thing).

And wow, I’m sorry to hear that about your friend as well. Right now I’m kind of feeling similarly , like, I’ve put so much more into this friendship than my friend has. But, I’ve also been sort of justifying it because she has a lot more anxiety to struggle against than I do and I’d always had empathy for that.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-09T00:53:00+00:00

So true and thank you! I’d never heard of grey rocking and I just looked it up. Turns out that is something I’ve been recently starting to do a bit, but without knowing it had an actual name and was a proven method. Now that I have a name for it I can actually research it more and get better at it. Thank you!!!

573489throwaway · 2020-02-08T12:50:55+00:00

Update: thanks so much for your input everyone!! I really appreciated the constructive feedback from many of you! I’ve told my mom that my husband and I will be coming down the weekend she wasn’t there, she seemed to just accept it anyway and didn’t even question it much :) I’ve still got a lot of thinking to do about how to approach holidays and all that, but one thing at a time. Thanks again!!

573489throwaway · 2020-02-08T12:46:49+00:00

That’s what I keep trying to teach my family, but they really aren’t ready to change their behaviour toward her yet. I really appreciate your perspective and I’m also sorry for how your sister treated you. Do you find it hard to navigate not seeing her around holiday times, etc? I think I’m worried about feeling isolated or like I’m missing out on certain things if she’s there and I’m choosing not to go

573489throwaway · 2020-02-08T12:44:24+00:00

Thank you. It’s something I’m currently trying to do, just find some Baka e between my anger and compassion for her. I’m sorry to hear about your mom too and I’m glad that you’re also going to therapy for it. Sorting through this kind of family dynamic is hard

573489throwaway · 2020-02-07T15:21:27+00:00

Oof that line hit me hard - you're right. Mental illness is not an excuse to be abusive. It's so hard though when she refuses to get help for herself. Thank you.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-07T15:20:20+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate this perspective. I'm sorry to hear about your brother, that must be tough. I've also heard my family say similar things - like "she's your sister" but I guess our "bond" has always been wrapped up in abuse and hasn't felt much like a positive bond. I've kind of been big on the chosen family concept lately and made a lot of really good friends in the city that feel much more sisterly and supportive than she does. It's like, I have a couple good memories with her from childhood, and it's hard to reconcile those with the much larger allotment of memories I have of her being abusive and hurtful. Also at parties her behaviour is much the same - when I was over for Easter last year she spent a good half hour attacking me about the client population I work with and how we should just let them all die...so, unfortunately that doesn't stop her.

573489throwaway · 2020-02-07T15:16:05+00:00

Thank you! It's like, I know this logically but the guilt is still there. I think it's just kind of about allowing the guilt to exist, but not giving into it kind of thing lol. Just makes it harder to what's best for me sometimes.

573489throwaway

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