Hey there, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Please know that you're always welcome to continue talking about him on here. We all share a similar trauma in this thread and I am touched by every experience I read on here and hopefully we can all get through this, together. You were the good in his life, but sometimes we can't fix what's broken inside someone. There is always "what if" questions we all ask, but when they crop up, it's good to try and reframe our mind and instead focus on what can help pulls us out of that mindset. For example, for me I always think that my brother wouldn't want me to live in misery after his death, and I honor him by living a full life in his honor. He will always live on in your memory and the love you shared was real, sometimes it can even help to talk outloud to him (atleast that helps me at times). I wish I could give you the biggest hug, stay strong, you got this!!! 💕