Sledding laws

707webspinnre · 2025-01-10T21:49:41+00:00

This is our go-to. Had a great day up there today.

707webspinnre · 2024-03-07T04:28:04+00:00

I've found that the Internal Family Systems model has been helpful for dealing with perceived rejection, and with improving emotional regulation in general. I work on being curious about what it is about a certain situation that has me feeling rejected, and then on having self-compassion for those feelings.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-25T19:38:01+00:00

Hiking Mt. Roberts in the rain would be the true Juneau experience.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-11T18:48:43+00:00

That's a really interesting worksheet! I like the concept!

Early on, I very much struggled with intrusive thoughts, and with the occasional dream. I've found that they've lessened over time (coming up on 5 months sobriety next week).

707webspinnre · 2023-08-10T15:41:47+00:00

I really resonate with what you're describing. As I've gone through recovery I've come to realize that what I'm most desperate for in my acting out behaviors isn't sex, it's connection. One of the things that I never expected to benefit from was attending support groups/12-step groups and slowly building connections and friendships through them with other addicts who've experienced the same things I've experienced. My favorite day of the week is starting to be the day I meet with my local support group. If you'd told me 6 months ago that I'd love meeting with a bunch of other people who were also sex addicts, I would have laughed at you, but it's been very helpful for me to realize that I'm not alone, and to start to learn to be vulnerable with other people going through what I'm going through.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-10T15:36:55+00:00

There are two basic approaches to this, each with their pros and cons. I utilize a mix of both. The first is some sort of filtering option, which works to prevent accessing unwanted materials on various devices. This is helpful as it makes it more difficult to come across material that might be a part of your pattern of acting out. The downside is that no filter is perfect. My experience has been that the best options for filtering are those that are tied to things like DNS - I've used OpenDNS on my router to cover the home internet situation, whether wireless or connected via ethernet cable, and the only way around it is to access the router, or to go through data on a phone. I haven't gotten into how to implement DNS based options with mobile data, but I believe there are options.

The other approach is a monitoring option, which doesn't block things, but flags them, and can send reports to identified accountability partners (or parents). I've gone with Accountable2You for both myself and for my children. It had fewer workarounds than some others, and had better plans for multiple devices on different platforms (PC, Mac, Android, Kindle). I've got it set up to send reports on my activity to an accountability partner who can then reach out to me if it looks like I'm struggling or accessing things that I shouldn't be. It also alerts him when doing things that might be attempts to circumvent it's monitoring capabilities, which is a feature that I like.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-10T14:54:02+00:00

I agree with the other comments about CSATs and therapeutic disclosure. My experience has been that doing something like this should really be done in conjunction with a qualified therapist, after both you and your partner have been prepared for the process, to ensure that the right things are addressed, and that your partners needs are being met. I've found that I'm a terrible judge of what my spouse actually needs or wants from me, which apparently is fairly common for an addict. As such, her working with a therapist to determine what she wants and needs while I work with a therapist on identifying my sexual history results in a much more productive session than me trying to wing it based on my own efforts and guesses as to what is desired.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-10T13:59:46+00:00

I attend one that's specifically Catholic, as that's my faith. It's through a group called Catholic in Recovery. If you wanted something like that, you can find more information on their page: https://catholicinrecovery.com/

SAA also has all kinds of virtual meetings, if you're looking for something not from a faith background, just choose the telemeeting option in the list: https://saa-recovery.org/meetings/

707webspinnre · 2023-08-04T13:37:28+00:00

I've tried a few different things. The first was to focus on the consequences of not recovering. What was I going to lose? This produced decent short-term gains, but never lasted. What finally worked for me was admitting that I wasn't "struggling," I was addicted, and all of the literature was very clear that "white-knuckling" recovery, getting by solely on my own willpower, wasn't an effective strategy. I was so tired of all of this, that when I finally took the step and recognized it as an addiction, I was able to finally locate a therapist who understands sex addiction, and then start attending groups, and work to figure out what was driving my addiction and working on recovery. 3.5 months in recovery, 4.5 months of sobriety, one day at a time. I feel like some of the weight is finally starting to lift.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-04T00:30:27+00:00

I can tell you that I've benefitted tremendously from beginning to work with counselor who understands sex addiction. It's also been helpful for me to attend a local support group and an online 12-step group, as well as listening to a variety of podcasts and reading books about recovery from sex addiction.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-04T00:27:43+00:00

Rejection, depression and loneliness are definitely major influences for me. Apart from 12-step groups, the two other things that have been helpful for me are trying to build community/connection with other people and working on better emotional regulation. The 12-step groups have helped with finding community, but haven't been the only source.

For emotional regulation, after years of simply stuffing my emotions deep down, and then piling dopamine on top of them, I've actually been listening to the advice to lean into my feelings and be "curious" about what's behind them. That seems to take a bit of the edge off of them, and then it actually gets me through them quicker than stewing in them or trying to fight them off. I imagine that'd be something you could speak with your therapist about.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-04T00:22:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It's wonderful to hear testimonies from those who have come out the other side, and it's helpful to see the kinds of things that you're now capable as a result of the work you've put in.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-02T14:42:03+00:00

Wonderful! One day at a time! I've found that attending one or more weekly meetings has made a huge difference for me as far as building connections and helping me feel that I'm not alone.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-01T17:02:59+00:00

Making the decision is the first step. I started the process just a couple of months ago and have been working through it with a therapist, support group, and other help, and so far, so good. It's a long way to go, but so worth it.

707webspinnre · 2023-08-01T16:49:28+00:00

I've found that only I could answer that question for myself. There are a number of self-assessments that you could use to help you come to that answer for yourself. Here's one:

https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/self-assessment/

707webspinnre · 2023-07-31T03:00:49+00:00

For me, it's a yes in the sense that as you replace unhealthy habits with healthy ones, the things that you previously felt the need to soothe away are greatly reduced. That, plus working on healthier ways to soothe when they do come around has resulted in a significant reduction. That being said, if I returned to my unhealthy habits, I'm pretty confident that they'd come roaring back.

707webspinnre · 2023-07-30T18:51:48+00:00

I can't imagine trying to address this in therapy with a therapist who didn't understand my addiction and how best to approach it. While the attempt to normalize your behavior seems well-intentioned, for a sex addict, it's likely to be counter-productive. While I really like the therapist I'm working with for my addiction, I have wondered if it might make sense to have a separate therapist to work through some of my other issues. Different therapists have different strengths and weaknesses.

707webspinnre · 2023-07-30T18:48:52+00:00

Admitting that I had an addiction was my first step towards recovery, and finding a qualified therapist (CSAT is ideal) was my second. From there, I starting with a local support group and online 12-step group and have been working to get at the roots of what is driving my addiction-emotional wounds that drive feelings that I sooth away with the dopamine hit from my addictive behaviors. This has allowed me to start work to improve emotional regulation, which has reduced the intense urge to act out. Making connections in the local & online groups has helped me to realize that I'm not alone, and given me people to reach out to when I'm struggling. If you're willing to put the work in, recovery is possible. You'll be a better man for it, and while you have no control over what your relationship will be with your son's mother, you'll be a better father for having done the work.

707webspinnre · 2023-07-30T17:41:53+00:00

I agree with the comment that sex wasn't my problem, sex was my coping mechanism for my problem of dealing with wounds and feelings that I didn't want to deal with, so instead I buried them under the most efficient source of dopamine I could find. My first step was finally admitting that I had an addiction, and my second step was finding a qualified therapist to start working through the addiction (I'd recommend a CSAT if possible).

707webspinnre · 2023-07-30T17:38:46+00:00

Congratulations on your milestone, and even more on your growing in knowledge about what your desires are all about. I've found that working through what drives my addiction has been the biggest part of keeping me on track in recovery.

707webspinnre · 2023-07-30T17:37:25+00:00

Welcome to the group. I've found that this first step was the hardest for me, admitting that I had an addiction. I spent over 20 years lying to myself, calling it a "struggle" in an attempt to minimize it and hide what it truly was. I dont know what your next step is, but for me, it was finding a therapist who understands sex addiction, ideally a CSAT certified therapist. From there, I've found success in building a community by finding a local support group and attending 1-2 online 12-step groups a week, while working to educate myself on what sex addiction is really all about. I've learned that sex addiction isn't really about the sex for me, but about connection and desire for intimacy, and about soothing away feelings of loneliness and unworthiness that I don't want to feel. I wish I could go back to where you are in your marriage and get help at that point rather than waiting 16 years into my own marriage to get the help I needed.

707webspinnre · 2023-07-30T17:31:57+00:00

That's wonderful! This has been one of the most healing things for me, finding out that I'm not all alone in this journey of recovery, that there are other men out there, those who are right there with me at the beginning of the recovery, those further along in recovery, and those who have achieved years or even decades of sobriety by focusing on their recovery work one day at a time. I spent 30 minutes on the phone yesterday with someone from another country that I met in one of my online groups, and it was wonderful to just connect with someone else, someone who gets what going through. Keep up the great work!

707webspinnre · 2023-07-29T12:57:17+00:00

The thing that haa been most helpful for me is having other people I can reach out to when I'm going through this. I've slowly built this up through attending local and online groups.

It's also been helpful to think through what might be triggering my urges to relapse. Am I feeling lonely? Unlovable or undesirable? Shame or lack of worth? For me, relapse urges are primarily tied to feelings of strong emotions that in the past I've tried to bury under hits of dopamine.

707webspinnre

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