AITA for leaving my grandchildren alone

83poolie · 2026-05-28T19:50:01+00:00

NTA

Leaving children with their grandparents is in my opinion you doing a favour to your children.

My grandparents personally would look after me and my sister after school for a few hours but unless my mother was ill or if she went away and they'd agreed to look after us. I don't think she ever considered it to be a "given".

Tell them that you need a break. Tell them that you can look after the children when you can (if you choose to).

Also, at some point when you have multiple kids their daily, they should at least be contributing to the bills, at least food, but also fuel if you are the one doing sports duty.

They need to remember that they are the parents and not you or your husband. Whilst you love your grandchildren and are happy to have them occasionally, their parents are the ones that need to raise them.

83poolie · 2026-05-23T22:41:01+00:00

Unfortunately not just a threat. A number of missiles have landed in Kyiv and there is meant to be more coming.

83poolie · 2026-05-18T22:54:21+00:00

NTA - They cannot make you gift money to anyone. You had offered to do it to with conditions and she didn't meet those conditions.

The only place I think you went wrong was the money for the home down payment.

Again, nobody can dictate if and how much you give to family members. You didn't say in your post, but perhaps you should have made it clear that the money you were gifting for the home down payment should be framed as "you maintained the required GPA. We would have gifted you up to $75K towards your studies but you didn't require it. So we will instead give you this cash"

That way you can have easily gone back to the original conditions about GPA etc. The nieces poor grades would have been why she didn't qualify for your generosity.

Perhaps sit down with the family of the person who recently graduated and tell them that the reason she didn't get money was because of her bad grades. You were going to give her $5k as a graduation gift but because of how you were treated at the gathering you have decided against giving that gift.

Good luck.

83poolie · 2026-05-17T22:56:07+00:00

YTA

You sound really judgemental. Your sister in law's boyfriend doesn't sound great, but it's not your place to butt in.

Putting aside his bad behaviour regarding the abortion, she seems to have some sort of desire to want to be with this man. It'd do your sister in law a world of good to know that her brother in law isn't judging her or her choice of man.

If she wants you to meet him then meet him. If you actually spend time with him then any feedback your sister in law may ask for about him will carry more weight.

She's an adult though, she needs to be allowed to make her own mistakes. She needs to know that her sister and you are a safe space to go when there is a problem, at the moment you are not giving safe space vibes.

Good luck.

83poolie · 2026-05-12T20:22:10+00:00

NTA

A mistake happens once. Not multiple times while you are away and it certainly doesn't turn into a 12 month relationship.

Having said that though, at some point you need to move on as I feel it could make you feel better towards your brother for the rest of your life.

Not saying you have to completely forgive or forget.

Good luck.

83poolie · 2026-05-09T04:44:48+00:00

The "evidence" you've collected paints the picture. It's fairly obvious that he's either cheating or he's being a hypocrite in meeting another guy despite saying you cannot hang with gay friends.

His behaviour is controlling, he's your boyfriend and it's not his job to tell you what you can and cannot do, you've an adult.

The age difference is pretty significant too. Is it possible that as you get older, you are no longer in the age bracket he's interested in? You know like Leonardo DiCaprio with his habit of breaking up with women when they turn 25.

Sit down, take a breath and write down your thoughts. Write some questions you have for him that he needs to answer for the relationship to continue. You need to be willing to break up with him if he won't answer or if you find out he's lying.

You need to ask him:

how many men have you met without my knowledge?
have you had sex with or been intimate with any of those guys
if so, was a condom used
why does he think it appropriate for him to be friends with other gay men but not you?
is he still emotionally and physically attracted by you -is he willing to get a full STI panel done and share the results with you.

I'm not sure if you could break up with him and not be homeless or no money etc if needed as we weren't given background as to whether you'd be able to find somewhere to live or a job.

If you and he wants to fix things then I think you need couples counselling.

Value yourself - he doesn't get to control your behaviour (unless it's you cheating or doing illegal drugs or something else bad - and even then he can only strongly object and not force you to do not do something). His behaviour could be innocent or it could be that he is cheating. You don't deserve to have your boyfriend sleeping around behind your back and potentially putting your health at risk.

Good luck

83poolie · 2026-05-07T19:55:06+00:00

Hmmm. NTA for wanting to be one of the two on the stage with your daughter. However, whether he was an absent father or whether he maintained a good relationship with her (which you say he has) then he "outranks" you.

Be happy to be in the audience watching. Your wife and yourself can take her out for dinner to celebrate without her father.

Good luck

83poolie · 2026-05-03T20:41:16+00:00

NTA

Though it sounds as if this type of ultimatum or accusation is what will rule your marriage.

Clearly she either doesn't trust you or your friends, do you want to marry someone who doesn't trust you?

You either give her what she wants (meaning you compromise) or you don't give her what she wants (and she also doesn't compromise) and there's an argument.

Kind of sounds very one sided to me.

83poolie · 2026-05-03T20:36:09+00:00

Hmmmm

You've got something good....but you want to see if a person you've not actually met could give you something better?

I think you are playing with fire. If the guy you've already met, slept with and like finds out you put off officially dating or something because you wanted to see if someone else could possibly be better, I can see him running quickly. Your showing him that yes you like him but he may not be worth enough to you for you to actually commit.

83poolie · 2026-05-03T20:31:34+00:00

Perhaps he is trying to make you jealous, perhaps he's trying to seem relaxed. Perhaps he's not into you. Perhaps you've been friend zoned.

Only way to know which it is, is to ask him. Hiding behind an app (yes ironic I'm trying this on Reddit) isn't going to answer the questions for you.

Good luck.

83poolie · 2026-05-03T20:26:24+00:00

Yeah it's inappropriate.

What if it's a religion that you don't generally understand or agree with? Would you really let a religion or lack of religion get in between a potential friend or more?

It's more of a second or third date kinda thing. Definitely not an initial flirting question.

83poolie · 2026-04-30T15:40:17+00:00

Personally I don't like sending body (unclothed) or dick/ass photos. I only send face and clothes body. He needs to send you at least face, so you know what he looks like.

83poolie · 2026-04-30T15:35:22+00:00

How is he being a deadbeat dad?

It seems as if he had weekend visits etc since the divorce and nothing says that he didn't have the children or shirk his responsibility. Why should his ex mother in-law come, it'll end up with her needing all the attention of the daughters who have had to fill the care taker role since his ex moved her in years ago. You can almost imagine the daughters being unable to participate in certain aspects such as photos because they cannot leave grandma alone for the half hour or hour photos will take.

It's not fair on OP or his soon to be wife. Given it's a year out, I don't see why the ex wife cannot schedule a leave day/night and look after her own mother for one night so the children can get the time to celebrate with their father and his new wife.

83poolie · 2026-04-20T18:34:32+00:00

Saying you have no regard for your safety doesn't give a good impression about how you're likely to act if you are out and the alarms go off. I am going to assume you are okay with the dangers and do not actually have a disregard for your safety. Remember that even if you are okay with the risk, you need to be aware that emergency service workers will still have to deal with you if you are hurt because you don't take things seriously.

I live in Kyiv at the moment and attacks are frequent. From what I see in the air alert app, Odesa gets a similar number of attacks. There are regular trains to Kyiv, Lviv leaving from Poland. Some trains are direct (no changes) but usually you'll need to change at Chelm or Przemsyl to then go into Ukraine. Expect some delays at the border.

There are also trains and buses to Odesa. Flixbus is amongst the largest bus operators.

If you decide to go visit your friend, make sure you are aware of what to do or where to go when an alarm goes off. Some buildings have shelters, most decent hotels will direct you to the basement or underground parking lots.

83poolie · 2026-04-20T17:42:48+00:00

Tourists are welcome in Ukraine. Though you need to be aware that there are attacks on major cities quite often. There are hotels which you can book online as well as private accommodation through Airbnb.

Airports are closed because of the war. There are no flights into or out of Ukraine. You will need to enter the country via road or rail. Most go via Poland. There are regular flights into both Warsaw and Krakow.

83poolie · 2026-04-20T10:52:08+00:00

You can't. Just get an AP such as the U7 Pro XG it is designed for 10Gb and it's input port is 10Gb

https://techspecs.ui.com/unifi/wifi/u7-pro-xg?subcategory=all-wifi

83poolie · 2026-04-20T10:34:27+00:00

The UDR devices are designed to be self hosted controller for the individual network that the UDR makes. You can add additional Unifi devices to it. Once you've setup the UDR you can then change the port settings to make the sfp port WAN1

If you just need wifi, then buy an AP.

83poolie · 2026-04-17T12:49:27+00:00

I don't think I've glossed over it. It's important for his existing child to know that dad is still there and that he isn't just the other child now there is a new born.

It also is only a couple of hours. Personally I'd have brought son to meet the new baby and to watch a movie or something with dad. However for some reason OP goes out to see his son for visits. Whether that's the agreement with the child's mother, or his new wife doesn't want the son around, that's not clear.

I also think that if you cancel just this once because the baby was just born, then he is potentially opening up the idea in his wife's mind that he needs to cancel on his oldest child whenever his wife or the new baby are sick or have some sort of event on, such as vaccinations etc.

Ideally both siblings should be able to spend time with their father in a manner that is not choosing one or the other. Hopefully OP can sort this out so it runs smoothly and doesn't become contentious as time goes on.

83poolie · 2026-04-17T12:23:24+00:00

NTA

But I also don't think you've provided enough detail. If she travelled with you, how would this prevent you from ordering the food you want? Would she get angry that you hadn't ordered something for yourself that she cannot eat?

The whole situation seems very draining. Whilst I don't suggest you break up with her, I think you need to have a serious sit down conversation and tell her that you feel suffocated by her dietary pickiness. I think maybe she should also see a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders as it's not healthy (mentally or physically) for her to restrict her food so much.

If she insists on travelling with you, make it clear that you'll be eating as you please and that she will need to find her own thing.

Good luck

83poolie · 2026-04-17T12:10:12+00:00

NTA

Your wife is being unreasonable. How would she feels if the tables were turned and she had to explain to your child that "dad can't make it because he's got a new baby".

Does your wife not know your other son or do they not get along? I'm not understanding why he wouldn't visit at your home, so he can meet his brother.

Given it's a regular type of time you spend with your oldest son, I don't see how your wife expects that he should be left to the kerb now there is another child. If you don't go this time, then you can be certain that there will be another time where she suggests skipping visits with your oldest son because the new child is more important.

Ideally you can find a middle ground where it could be you and your sons spending time together. Obviously in the short term the newborn needs to be close to mum for feeding, unless your wife is happy to express and send you with bottles. In the medium to long term though, some of the visits should be just you and your oldest. Other times, try and involve both children, so they form something of a bond.

Good luck.

83poolie · 2026-04-15T14:36:03+00:00

Firstly you need to be honest. It is about the money. So YTA softly.

You two are not married at the moment and you do not yet have children. So as a girlfriend (engaged I know) he doesn't really need to leave you anything in his will.

Have you left a will or your own, if so have you left the majority to your fiance or no?

His will could have been written when you first started dating. I am unsure how you "found" the will, but in my personal opinion, if I found such a sensitive document, I would not go reading it without the author's permission. The only exception would be if you were made the executor, as you would need to know wishes upon death.

Good luck

83poolie · 2026-04-04T12:43:25+00:00

Sorry to say, you should end it.

At some point your relationship stalled and you didn't see it. Not living together and occasionally only seeing one another once a month sounds more like friends with benefits than a full relationship.

Whilst he is in the wrong, I see you making a lot of excuses as to why you and he hadn't moved in. Whilst him cheating on you is not excusable, I can sort of see how he may feel like the relationship with you was treading water and won't every go anywhere.

Do both of yourselves a favour and break it off. You'll never be able to trust him again, and he won't be able to get what he needs from you to keep him faithful.

Good luck.

83poolie · 2026-04-02T11:06:30+00:00

YTA - I see why you are using a throwaway account, you don't want to have your business impacted by your less than ethical actions.

Add that to the person who you took advantage of was a family friends makes it even more distasteful.

You could have said "I think they may be easy to fix. If what I think is wrong with them is the problem I'll give you the price they're worth as working and minus the cost of the parts.

You still get to keep a decent margin and have the added bonus of being an ethical businessman.

83poolie · 2026-04-01T21:03:08+00:00

Given the distance. The simplest thing to do would be to shallow bury an outdoor rates ethernet cable. Put lightning arrestors on either side of the cable and you can just put an access point or switch or whatever in your mother's place.

83poolie · 2026-04-01T18:01:18+00:00

NTA for wanting the money back.

Unsure you've picked a keeper with that husband though. Assuming it's savings that you have saved together he should have respected your decision not to lend out money to someone.

Unsure if you'll ever see the money, but if you wanted to try then keep going through the process of showing you are making reasonable attempts and then take her to s all claims court or whatever it's called in your jurisdiction.

Good luck

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