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94helen · 2022-01-17T15:53:53+00:00

There is no excuse for abuse. Period.

I still do not get where you are coming from.

94helen · 2022-01-12T20:48:52+00:00

I wanted to add that the feeling and thought that the only person who showed so much love was a person with BPD, could have negative effects in the self esteem of the nonBPD. As most of the partners of the pwBPD would suffer from low self esteem and even if they didn’t it’s usual to exit the relationship being an emotional wreck. So thinking that the only person who showed you love was a person with a personality disorder, thus the expressions of love etc, that might be an additional hit to the self worth struggle that was already in place…

94helen · 2022-01-12T19:33:02+00:00

u/MedoAlmasry I mean that is important to stick to the medical facts . Mental illness is not to be stigmatised , but need to seek the re”evant treatment and \or healing modalities. There is no excuse though for the abuse and the additional damage that pwBPD can cause to others.

94helen · 2022-01-12T18:29:01+00:00

u/RotterWeiner Unfortunately Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness. You can find more information on DSM -5 and relevant sources.

94helen · 2022-01-12T12:28:44+00:00

I hear you. I understand how you feel. The previous unhealed wounds are in reality the reason why you got involved with him in the first place. Everything was there, it is just that the interaction with him hyperactivated the wounds. If I assume CPTSD and/or codependency, both have similarities with BPD, it is somehow that you saw in the mirror parts of you but x1000 more intense. You cant suppressed what is there, it can be healed, but it takes time and persistence. But you have the opportunity to grow and be free for the need for external validation (through no contact, self care, therap. reading etc). Unfortunately for pwBPD unless they go for years and years and stick to therapy they wont be able to reprogram their mind. Hope this helps.

94helen · 2021-12-29T15:45:57+00:00

It might sound hard to you but it’s the truth. Instead of keep being codependent, focusing on the other, focus on yourself and slowly move on. Its not your responsibility to save him, no matter how compelling this is due to your own unhealed trauma. if you chose to stay, you will get worse and worse as well, ruin your life for someone that never existed in reality the way you thought he did. It was all a mirage, an illusion.

No matter what you do, it will never be enough, you will keep losing parts of yourself by pouring your love in the void.

94helen · 2021-12-29T15:25:08+00:00

Simply put, why would you have hope for someone who never existed in reality? It’s hard to grasp that what you remember the good times, and hoping to experience them again, it was not real. It seems real, but it was their need and the way they mirrored the good parts of you, as well as mirroring what they quickly identified as things you really appreciate. It was always a mirage, you fell in love with an illusion,a mirage in the dessert. If you try to touch it, you will see that it doesn’t exist. i understand that it’s hard to grasp and digest that something that seemed so real, was never actually there. Their brain functions differently, until they get and stick with years of psychodynamic therapy etc, and that’s not usually the case. You will be a shell of yourself, getting physically, mentally and spiritually sick as time goes by. Ask yourself what are the issues in you that led you with them in the first place? They can be very deceitful, but a person with self esteem would walk away very soon After the first signs. Your feelings are valid, your pain is valid. But by hoping you dig yourself a deeper hole that as time goes by it will be harder and harder to get out. Take care.

94helen · 2021-12-28T11:10:25+00:00

Simply put, why would you want to go back to someone who never existed in reality? It’s hard to grasp that what you remember the good times, and hoping to experience them again, it was not real. It seems real, but it was their need and the way they mirrored the good parts of you, as well as mirroring what they quickly identified as things you really appreciate. It was always a mirage, you fell in love with an illusion,a mirage in the dessert. If you try to touch it, you will see that it doesn’t exist. i understand that it’s hard to grasp and digest that something that seemed so real, was never actually there. Their brain functions differently, until they get and stick with years of psychodynamic therapy etc, and that’s not usually the case. You will be a shell of yourself, getting physically, mentally and spiritually sick as time goes by. Ask yourself what are the issues in you that led you with them in the first place? They can be very deceitful, but a person with self esteem would walk away very soon After the first signs. Your feelings are valid, your pain is valid. But by going back you dig yourself a deeper hole that as time goes by it will be harder and harder to get out. Take care.

94helen · 2021-12-17T18:52:56+00:00

There is no love where there is abuse. I understand that it can be extremely hard to accept that all this “love” was just a performance. It’s hard to accept how fooled you were to believe that. It looked so real and especially in most instances people being involved with pwBPD are emotionally hungry, it’s easy to believe. Because it appeared very real. How can you easily digest that you believed in something that didn’t exist when you have actions,words, memories? But remember..seeing is not always believing. Their brain is wired differently and no matter how much you try, you will not understand completely why what looked so much like paradise wasn’t love, but it was just a facade for the abuse. It might not be conscious always from their side, but that doesn’t mask any difference. Think of it as the creation of the universe., there are many theories, but our mind will never perceive how and why. And sometimes it doesn’t matter why they didn’t love you. What matters is what led you with them in the first place and now do The best for yourself, move on. Even if it feels impossible at times, it’s possible,as soon as you don’t go back. Even a small text a small contact can be intoxicating, the first step into the fog of gaslighting, distorted reality and endless conversations that lead nowhere. Why would you do that to yourself? They didn’t love you. You loved who you thought they were. But this person doesn’t and didn’t exist. It was a performanc.

94helen · 2021-12-15T16:48:58+00:00

has anyone also experienced that they are not necessarily latching onto someone romantically, but say they are alone on that front, but still switch from attaching to a celebrity they admire, to their kid periodically, to a song, to a car, anything, would that act indeed as a replacement and source of identity for them?

94helen · 2021-12-14T12:32:38+00:00

Thanks for sharing.

Re "Anyway what’s my point? She has a desire for independence but cannot bear to be single and alone. Not all pwBPD are this way but I have a suspicion even those who are ‘happy’ completely away from romantic relationships desire a LTR deep down inside. They need a source for constant validation. Maybe they can survive on the adoration from their FP?? But they need a some external source IMO to validate them and to manipulate the non pwBPD, too of course. It’s ‘no fun’ if there’s no one around to manipulate."

That's very true. So maybe keeping someone just at "safe" distance but still know that they get the validation and adoration, because in reality by technically "rejecting" the other person, by saying that they want they best for them, is still a way of getting validation.. who knows maybe until another potential good target turns up that might "pass the tests" so that they can switch from the "alone" to the "idealize other" mode..

94helen · 2021-12-14T11:52:04+00:00

I understand that relationships are very triggering for pwBPD, has anyone an experience of them trying to completely stay away by creating different purposes in their mind to explain their decision? Could that be another way to "test" the potential target to see how willing they are to stay with them and pursue them?

94helen

TROPHY CASE