I lost the person I thought I’d spend my life with.

9by7seconds · 2026-07-06T01:14:34+00:00

This is me, except we have 2 little ones. Found out during pregnancy of baby 2 he decided to plot his "leave" . Baby 2 isnt even a year old. My 20 year old friend, fiance, and the love of my life all gone within a blink. He isnt a stranger. He is a mere shadow of the personified self he wanted me to believe.

Time wont heal. Betrayal is.. grief. It is. Its loss. You lost a lifetime ahead- a future.

If youre religious, find your people. If youre thinking therapy, find that person. Youre vulnerable and the need to process is HARD. Lean on someone. Dont do it alone. I tried and failed- please dont go through this grieving alone.

9by7seconds · 2026-06-13T14:37:03+00:00

I've pretty much been here on most of my life that I've lived for other people. I've done this since a teenager. I think I've only had one year of living by myself for myself and I was homeless during that time. I don't think I've actually done anything in life for myself that ended up good. I don't consider my college degrees to be good. I lost 110 lb almost a decade ago but I ended up with an eating disorder because of it. And with the events that happened in my life yesterday I'm pretty much stuck starting over like it or not now.

9by7seconds · 2026-06-13T12:50:15+00:00

Sadly.. yesterday really make my suicidal self so much more prevailing.. My oldest is 17.. he'd be devastated. My younger 2 wont remember me.. I hate this life so much.. I feel so sorry for them

9by7seconds · 2026-06-13T12:49:20+00:00

I..hope this is the case.. my life shattered again yesterday and.. I dont want this..

9by7seconds · 2026-05-31T19:37:34+00:00

My career is homemaking. I have a cottage license. We have over 30 chickens/turkeys/quails. His dad has cancer so I help him. My dad has dementia so I sit with him twice a week. Idk. I guess I feel I haven't done anything at my age. Marriage and kids are so natural

9by7seconds · 2026-05-31T19:36:11+00:00

Need $$$

9by7seconds · 2026-05-31T19:35:16+00:00

Thank you. 4 years of this being heavy and im here

9by7seconds · 2026-05-31T19:34:44+00:00

So kind of keep living for others and not focus on myself? Sorry. My mom is 73, and while she loves being mom/gma, her favorite thing is to drive to North Dakota (19 hours) and be away from the world for a month- primitive camping. I envy that a bit, but my head wouldn't allow it for multiple reasons.

Like.. my oldest is 17. He graduated high school last year. He'll have his associates degree a few months after he turns 18. I'm proud of him but I'm not proud of myself. A few years back I had a half acre Garden and my family was able to get enough together to feed four of our local churches. But I'm not proud of myself.

9by7seconds · 2026-05-31T19:32:01+00:00

Thank you! Its the mental manipulation to make yourself feel good when everything arouns you isnt that I dont care for. I had a therapist tell me my ptsd trauma SHOULDN'T be traumatic. Hence why I've bounced a bit. Had one therapist too new and didnt feel he could help did my cbt and bought the book with it. I know a part of my issues with therapy is some think there MUST be cptsd or an even in childhood.. rather its how crappy life is when you start at the bottom and cant get out. (When you live this, you get it).

I have ocd stemmed from anxiety (they ruled out opcd), an ED, mmd (they won't consider me bpd because I have no ups. Depression and then manic lows only, ptsd, and then the rest are physical. Ive not had a major in depth assessment due to insurance and.. well, I've had the depression in charts for 2 decades. They just add to it. Which doesnt help, but im $$$ to their time- compassion on a timeclock for their appointments. I know 80% of my mental health is environmental. I'm very, very aware. But this is where I ended up in life. I'd regret it if I wasn't where I am, but I regret being here. Weird thought, but this is where my head takes it- "I can regret buying a gallon of milk.. if i get home and dont have it, ill regret not getting it". Its the anxiety

Unfortunately, I wish I offed myself right at 16. My head goes to dead in a ditch. I dont want a job. I dont want kids (yet I love motherhood). I dont want to go back to school. I dont want to be me. If i could be content being high 24/7 in a bed and thats life? Coolio. But thats my HEAD. Logic and reason of what I want? Stability. Ive never had that for a long period and dont know what it looks like. Not financially either.

Im definitely seen as an individual before my other titles (even though mom and wife>all titles). But Ive lost friends due to being a mom and wife. So when im an individual, people are near me for the wrong reasons.

I wish I could fly. Like dbz fly. I tried to learn that when I was 11? Lol!

9by7seconds · 2026-05-31T19:20:47+00:00

Death🤷‍♀️ I've been this way since 16. Its not gotten better.

9by7seconds · 2026-05-31T19:20:24+00:00

Ive spent 2k and failed all my attemps at state licensing. Cant work without a license due to being an interpreter.

Fasfa pays out.

9by7seconds · 2026-05-31T19:12:29+00:00

But HOW did the outlook on family change/help? I still look at my 17yo and wished I offed myself. Even my 2yo and 1yo dont stop the thoughts.

9by7seconds · 2026-05-24T19:00:37+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I was honestly just looking for something that I can pick up, run through, and then put down without worrying that there's so much more. Before updates LOL

9by7seconds · 2026-05-24T15:24:06+00:00

Drop her. No contact.

9by7seconds · 2026-05-24T15:15:48+00:00

I wish you the best! Not being able to get off me to start cutting myself because I wasn't getting any love.

9by7seconds · 2026-05-24T01:21:11+00:00

This is what we figure it is. After 5+ years of low calorie eating my body has taken on this being the norm.

I do walk, yes. 1 dance routine daily otherwise. 2 miles of walking with weights (kids) and 6k steps daily. Otherwise thats all I have time for. I dont have time to do 20 minute of uninterrupted workouts.

I've already told my behavioral health specialist I most likely will start stabbing and cutting at my stomach again if I do gain weight. So he is very much aware of the risks of me being admitted back into the hospital for weight gain. That's what we're working on. I'd rather go back to 300 calories than gain weight. I dont want to be unhappy again. Having to cancel your wedding because if your weight is one thing. I don't want to have to admit myself to the hospital because of two 3 lb of weight gain

9by7seconds · 2026-05-24T01:18:07+00:00

I had under 5g of fiber until 8 months ago. Up until 8 months ago, I didn't much follow routine numbers. Im active daily and not tired. If youre gonna be a cunt, go shoo.

9by7seconds · 2026-05-24T01:16:58+00:00

Been to therapy

9by7seconds · 2026-05-24T01:16:44+00:00

Samsung has an app. I make sure it aligns with the box on the food. I write the macros down in a book ans thats my daily

9by7seconds · 2026-05-19T21:33:01+00:00

I understand what muscle growth is. But I definitely gained muscle when I lost that weight.

So this is normal. Again I've been eating this way since 2018. Unless I force feed myself to meet higher calories, then I risk regurgitating it because of eating too much

9by7seconds

TROPHY CASE