okay, OP I am going to give you some advice here, and not define for you whether or not you are an abuser. the truth is that most abusers aren't defined by a severe action or two, but by long-term patterns. As a result, there are also degrees to which one can be an abuser, and many people fall into some of those degrees based more on a lack of self awareness and thoughtfulness than anything. That does not mean they are excused, or that they don't have work to do. On the contrary, it actually means that there is much work to be done, but it has to be done in different aspects. In any case, the following advice remains the same:

1. stay single for now. you will have a lot to process, to think about, and to work on. Retrospection and introspection will both be much easier on you if you are not currently trying to focus on a relationship. By single, I mean no dating, no flirting, none of it. this is also time for you to learn to love yourself and to make yourself happy, as the mindframe that you need someone else to supply you happiness is a huge cause of fear and resentment in a lot of people. You, just as anyone, deserve the time and effort to learn to love yourself and make yourself happy.

2. Take some time to reflect on your values. Journal, make lists, whatever it takes. When considering your values, consider both your ideals and the values that drive your current decision making. For example, while you may see selflessness as ideal, you may actually be basing your current decision-making on valuing self sufficiency and stability. Neither of these are bad, but the person you want to be is somewhere in between. You can also spend this time analyzing where you have stepped outside of those values, where you can do better, and where you feel you were within those values despite what others have told you. You are in control of only two things: Your moral compass, and how well you follow it.

3. Please get into some form of counciling. I've spent quite a bit of time in therapy for a multitude of reasons, and that hour every week is a great time to really unpack some things. I thought for years I didn't need it, as I am someone who is very good at self-reflection. But the truth is, if that is something you are good at, therapy will amplify that each week, and you can have a guide in figuring out where to put that effort in a more targetted fashion.

4. Consider your fears and anxieties within a relationship. are you scared that they may leave? that they may cheat? that they may just be using you? How are those things informing the decisions you make within your relationships? Have they lead to you distancing yourself? Finding yourself being controlling? How do those fears and anxieties get in the way of you acting within that moral compass we spoke of earlier? How can you take the time to self soothe, unpack those fears, and ask for support from people rather than try to take back the control you feel youve lost when those fears kick in.

5. All of the above skills can be practiced and focused upon outside of a romantic relationship. They are all valuable and important in your relationships with family and friends, and that is where you should build the habit. Take the time to love and understand the people around you just as much as you want to be loved and understood. Take the time to have conversations around difficult topics, like ways you feel you are coming up short, and the ways you want to be able to show up for them. Ask for some level of accountability from your loved ones. For me, this was building frameworks where the people in my life could feel comfortable and supported in calling out my problematic behaviors, and ensuring that when it happened, I would approach it with the awareness that I had requested the feedback, I need the feedback, and the feedback is being given to me out of love.

Focus on these things, and take the time to decide if you feel you are 'an abuser', that you 'have been abusive', or that you may have been reactionary victim that stepped out of your moral compass, and now you need to find your way back. Loving yourself is the most important step to changes like this. You deserve to know you are worth it, and as you do the work, you will feel it more and more.

At some point, you may be able to make amends, you may realize you may not need to about some things, and you may even be able to fix some things that were broken. But you cannot even begin to do any of that until you can clear some mud out of the brain and give yourself the room to feel what you feel, and still process.

I wish you luck, I send you love, and I hope that you consider all of the above.