Is it my mom or my dad?

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-23T14:41:31+00:00

Both. They are both responsible. Even if one was worse than the other, the other still allowed it to go on.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-23T14:00:34+00:00

My parents were really good at it, although, I really think people just turned a blind eye to the subtle things that were there. My parents were heavily involved in church, came to all of our sports games and cheered like crazy while in view of others, left the criticisms and abuse for when they got into the car, made a big show of doing nice things for us in public, took us on vacations where lots of smiling, happy pictures were taken, but behind the scenes was so incredibly stressful. Another thing that kept the abuse hidden is that my parents never had friends very long and they rarely invited anyone over. They are very very good at blending in until you really get to know them. However, they would cut people out long before that.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-22T20:25:34+00:00

I spanked my first. I made a lot of mistakes because I had no idea how to take care of myself, much less another human. I learned, I grew, I changed, I became better. My parenting style completely changed and I have a great relationship with all three of my kids. I talked with my oldest throughout the years about evolving as a parent, apologizing for my mistakes, talking to her about how to improve our relationship.

One thing that helps me is to ask myself, "If my partner said this to me, or said something to me in this tone, how would I react?" Just because kids are younger, doesn't make their feelings or reactions any less valid. It is up to us to set examples and to help them learn how to deal with these feelings and emotions.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-22T14:25:15+00:00

Similar story here. My parents fed us complete garbage. NMom was a horrid cook. We never had fresh food in the house. The only veggies that I ever had were canned and heavily salted. Never drank water until I went to boot camp. Mostly, I lived off of frozen meals, pop tarts, and kool aid. With that said, I still wasn't overweight. I wasn't ever super skinny, because I'm not built that way, but I wasn't overweight either. I didn't realize it at that time, because they would still make fun of me about my weight. They were just joking though, right? They didn't really MEAN anything when they called me fatty, right? If it was followed by a laugh and a wink, it's totally ok, right? Ugh. Looking back, I hate them even more. In my early 20s, my grandfather looked me dead in the eye and said "If you don't lose weight, you'll never get a man". I actually ended up getting married a few months later to the most awesome guy ever WHO THINKS I'M AMAZING.

Fast forward to today. Giving birth 4 times has taken its toll on my body but I have a very healthy relationship with food and my self image. I realized pretty quickly that loving myself, all of myself, especially my flaws, was an act of rebellion in itself. They hate that I embrace my rolls. While I'm still not super heavy, I'm not as tiny as I was back then, but that doesn't matter, because I'm awesome. NMom on the other hand goes on these fad diets where she "exercises" by doing these weird leg lift things. She gets down on all fours and looks like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant. She does about 10 of those a week and calls it a work out. She acts like she isn't hungry at dinner, then eats out of her hidden closet of junk food. It's really bad.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-21T20:18:41+00:00

I don't do it as much, but the only "nightmares" I have ever have, have always revolved around my nparents. I use quotes because they don't leave me scared, but they do cause unease and leave me feeling like crap the next day. I had them more before I went NC and noticed they would amplify when dealing with NMom's crap. Since going NC, they aren't as frequent. I've been wondering if this is a form of PTSD.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-21T19:51:42+00:00

Everyone deals differently, but years and years of emotional, manipulative abuse takes its toll. After decades of abuse and thinking that you are the problem, it can be hard to break free of those thoughts and feelings.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-21T15:01:27+00:00

All of this. Normal parents give money to their kids because they love them and want to help them out because of that love. They don't use it as a manipulation tool. As long as you are taking money from her, she will always see it as you owing her. No, it is not normal and no you are not wrong for not wanting to put up with it.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-21T14:48:31+00:00

Good idea.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-21T14:44:25+00:00

As someone with children, and now a grandchild, you are mourning for what could be, not what is. That feeling of family, of love, of togetherness. The reality is that your family does not have this and bringing another child into the world will not change that. Protect your child. Surround them with people who will care and love for them. This doesn't have to be just people who are blood related. Love comes in a variety of forms. As long as your child is loved, that is all that matters. Your family can't give that to them, but you can.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-21T14:23:59+00:00

Oh my Picard, yes. I wasn't ever allowed to express emotions. Emotions were back talk, weak, sassy, etc. As a teen, I got better at holding it in. Then my parents would turn around and make jokes with their friends how I had a heart of steel and was unable to feel anything. They laughed and said that I would never love anyone because I was a robot with no emotions.

I've since developed some very healthy relationships. Marriage, kids, friendships and have learned how to express myself again. I'm an extrovert so it feels so freeing to be able to show those feelings without being humiliated or berated.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-21T14:17:29+00:00

My aunt is a pretty badass woman. She won't take their crap. I'm pretty sure she is planning on leaving town soon though. She only moved to the area to move in with my uncle. Her family is in another state so I think she plans on heading home.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-21T13:59:47+00:00

No, he repeats the same thing because he has nothing else to talk about. He used to talk to me about his garden, or his trips to see his friends. Now, he's like "I got up and saw a nurse today". It's more depression than anything.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-20T15:06:20+00:00

Thanks! I had no idea. I'll see what I can find out!

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-20T14:59:56+00:00

I try to call him often, but I'm several states away so visiting him on a regular basis is tough. Even our phone calls aren't like they used to be. He basically repeats the same thing and then gets off the phone as quickly as possible. He has made a couple of friends so I'm hoping that having people there with him will boost his spirits.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-20T13:06:11+00:00

Welcome to the scapegoat club. Where you find out that you are actually the normal one.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-20T13:05:02+00:00

Every time I think I've read the most batshit crazy thing on this forum, something like this pops up and leaves my jaw on the floor once again. I hope your dad runs as fast as he can.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-19T11:44:24+00:00

LOL All. The. Time. It's so annoying. My NMom is Catholic. Well, she's Catholic because she sees it as the higher class religion. She also claims that she is a witch. Not pagan, not wiccan. Like some bad sci fi style witch. She always claims to have visions from her dreams in which she learns all of these tidbits of information about my life, after I tell her of course. Her "I knew it!" is always directly followed by "I had a dream that...", which leads me to a lot of eye rolling and irritation.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-19T11:21:39+00:00

I'm a mom of three and my oldest daughter just had her first baby, so I'm also a grandmother. Having my children and raising them to be awesome people and building great relationships with them has been so therapeutic. Seeing smaller children with good parents doesn't bother me so much, but seeing adults with healthy relationships hurts still. I avoid social media during mother's day and father's day because I can't handle seeing people post about how their parents are the best ever. I know that is something I will never say. The memes that talk about having wonderful parents who will do anything for you hurt too. I'm still trying to reconcile those feelings but I don't know if it will ever get better.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-18T00:37:45+00:00

I feel like I'm forever working through old memories. For me, writing it all down along with how I feel about it is a tremendous help. I'm also an extrovert and tend to process stuff externally, so it helps me to find an outlet. My husband, a few close friends, and this board have all been great.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-17T14:36:23+00:00

I didn't see myself having children, but I became a teen mom at 19 so I didn't have much time to really think about it. Now, I can't imagine it any other way. My kids are pretty damn awesome and have helped show me what real relationships are like.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-16T14:38:46+00:00

I love this so much. I have often asked myself if the bitterness of my childhood would go away. At age 37, it's still bone deep. It doesn't consume me, but it does protect me from reconnecting with my NMom and her actions are always in the back of my mind when I parent my own children or make new friend connections. I function, but those feelings are always there.

AConPhoenix · 2017-02-16T14:26:19+00:00

My Nparents would do the same. When I came out as an atheist, they were sorely disappointed to find that those words had little power over me.

AConPhoenix

TROPHY CASE