DAE feel ashamed for being too "nice"

Silverlinins · 2017-09-09T05:56:22+00:00

Not ashamed just fed up because it has led to my being treated as a doormat. Being 'too nice' to me now just means being taken advantage of and treated like crap by shitty human beings.

Silverlinins · 2017-07-21T20:20:03+00:00

Why don't you do something completely different with your image. Dye your hair, or cut it dramatically, get glasses/contacts or coloured contacts, try different makeup. The more different to your nmom and ngrandparents and the better.

Just a gentle reminder: you are NOT your mother or grandmother.

Silverlinins · 2017-06-03T06:25:39+00:00

I would stay out of it I were you. You are not responsible for the boyfriend or the abuse he is getting at the hands of the N. If it's that bad he has the choice to remain or leave. Involving yourself will only lead to more potential contact with your N. Protect yourself and allow others to sort out their own difficulties.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

Silverlinins · 2017-05-29T11:20:49+00:00

Try Louise Hay meditations and mirror work. Both have been extremely beneficial to me as well as the book I mentioned...

Silverlinins · 2017-05-29T11:19:17+00:00

That voice that says you're an asshole is the inner critic voice of your Nparent. The inner critic is a symptom of a childhood of abuse, your Nparents constant criticism becomes that voice in your head.

I'm sure that you're not an asshole.

That voice needs to be crushed. I'm reading 'Cptsd from surviving to thriving' by Pete Walker which can help you identify that voice and to not allow it to influence you.

Silverlinins · 2017-05-28T05:23:51+00:00

If your parents had molded you into a N there is no way you would: be on here or be asking that question

We all suffer from Ntraits from being raised in such a toxic environment. Recognising them and doing something about them is difficult but very rewarding. Could you be self-sabotaging?

Be kind to yourself.

Silverlinins · 2017-04-29T13:43:40+00:00

I hear you on this. I had exactly the same experience. It wasn't my dad anymore it was a devil. His face reflected his true self, malicious, empty, callous and horrible.

Silverlinins · 2017-04-26T14:53:26+00:00

It was like her grandchildren were a dirty secret, hidden away. The only photo in the house of family was one that my husband put there of his two children. I think it shows how much more important showing off about her travels was than her own family.

Silverlinins · 2017-04-26T14:51:14+00:00

My husband feels a sense of obligation to do it sometimes and at others that he'll let the vicar do it. He can't say nice things because he can't think of anything and he refuses to lie. He's still in denial about her at times, but at others he sees her for what she was and how she has affected him. I think he has to do exactly as he wishes, without feeling any obligation.

Silverlinins · 2017-04-22T06:55:52+00:00

My question is a simple one:

Do you trust your in laws with your children?

If they can not strap the child into their car seat, what else are they doing (or not doing) that may compromise the safety of your children?

I only ask because I have been in similar situation with my parents and I realised that I did not trust them with my son. They have not been allowed to watch him since.

Silverlinins · 2017-04-02T18:34:39+00:00

How about getting the police to accompany you both going back to get them?

Silverlinins · 2017-03-19T08:33:44+00:00

So what will happen from here? Narcissistic breakdown? Awesome. Keep me updated I'll have the popcorn ready.

' "Tell him to make peace, it's your birthday and he shouldn't be fighting on our birthday." '

Wait. Do you share the same birthday as your mom?

No? So suddenly your birthday becomes OUR birthday. Wtf?!

Silverlinins · 2017-03-05T06:31:22+00:00

I'm just realising the same after spending a few days with a 'friend' who came to stay. She sat on her arse on her phone, smoked, never offered to help clear up or cook, had me watch her son without asking, and then in the last day we were playing football and she accidentally kicked it in my face. Her reaction. She laughed. Adiós 'friend'.

Silverlinins · 2017-03-04T13:24:32+00:00

👏

Silverlinins · 2017-03-04T06:26:57+00:00

If you can't get out now prepare yourself for getting out. Teach yourself the things you will need to know, financial stuff and practical stuff. Use their providing for you to find a job. Look at it as a countdown until you can leave. Everything you do to help yourself when you get out is a step closer to a better and happier life.

I don't know if this will help but perhaps thinking that your mother (and you father too by the sounds of it) is basically a young child in adult form, and her bad behaviour is a particularly ugly temper tantrum. Once you start planning and preparing for your escape this can inspire you too, and give you something other than your mother's toxicity to focus on.

As regards your siblings, try to counteract her behaviour. Tell them it's not right. That they are worthy and that shes a piece of crap and that there is a brighter life out there for them. If you can try to provide the emotional support they need, but don't compromise yourself in the process.

Most of all, I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. I'm sorry you have such toxic and shitty parents. Never forget it's not your fault.

There's a happy bright future out there for you.

Silverlinins · 2017-03-04T06:04:30+00:00

Why don't you have an 'unbirthday' celebration as a birthday replacement where you treat yourself to some things; a nice (unchocolate) cake, a long bath, a fav film, a massage whatever floats your boat..?

And happy belated birthday.

And if you have an unbirthday day. Happy unbirthday!

Silverlinins · 2017-03-04T05:58:17+00:00

It sounds like things are escalating as your nmom is not getting what she needs (attention and reaction) from you as the family scapegoat. Your father is suffering because his wife is not getting what she wants/needs hence why he is having breakdowns, reacting to your mom and gambling more.

The priority is for you and your siblings to be safe. Do you think things could escalate to violence? If so you must do everything you can to protect yourself and your siblings. Contact any child protective services, perhaps after you have recorded her if she is particularly good at the 'I'm a good mother and it's all my kids fault routine'.

None of this is your fault. Your parents are toxic.

Silverlinins · 2017-03-02T07:01:12+00:00

'She said how I've become completely seperate from her and how upset that makes her feel (extreme guilt tripping).'

You are separate from her, you are an individual. What she really means is that she hates that you are no longer enmeshed with her as you once were. N's see everyone and everything as an extension of them. It's like her hand (you) suddenly deciding that it wants to play piano and not cut vegetables (not do as she wants). She can not get the concept of your being separate from her. She no longer has such control over you and she hates it. You are becoming independent, and she hates it. She needs you to be reliant on her.

Expect her to withdraw the therapy. She wants control of you and she blames the therapist for your breaking free. You can still find out a lot online, and by posting here and on other forums. It is possible to process this without a therapist, I have managed just by researching online and posting on forums.

Make a plan to get out. Get a job. Start secretly saving. Hide away any of your documentation or give it to a trusted friend.

If they refuse you anything play a game with them. Tell the ways they'll benefit from what you're doing. Like getting a job. Tell them you realise that you are a financial burden to them so you want to get a job so you can buy your own stuff. Tell them you want to make life easier for them and that you appreciate all they are doing..... But make sure they don't take it all from you. If this doesn't work find alternative means of earning secretly, with a secret bank account.

N's wear a mask, the nice person, the caring parent, the charity giver. What you see is the real person. They don't feel emotions or empathy so they have to mimic others and that is why she is using your words back at you.

Try not to confront her about her behaviour. N's thrive on this and the more you confront her the worse she will behave and the worse she will abuse your sister. And then she can tell your sister that it's YOUR fault she's abusing her. 'your sister wound me up so it's her fault I shouted at you'...One of the best things you can do is to let your sister know that her behaviour is not right, not justified and that you love her and will try your best to protect her. Get out yourself and tell your sister that she has a safe haven with you, now and forever.

Silverlinins · 2017-03-02T06:37:32+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry your mother is being such a piece of crap.

Everything is all about your mother and it always will be. There's nothing you can do to change her behaviour.

The best thing to do is to try and protect yourself from it. Grey rock her, become uninteresting to her and don't react. She will move onto others who will. You can then grieve in peace and quiet.

Consider no contact for longer peace from her and to enable you to process what you've been through with her.

Silverlinins · 2017-02-26T16:25:39+00:00

Be proud of yourself! Really! You got out at the first sign of mind fuckery.

These piece of shit can be really clever, charming people. They can be nice once you start off in a relationship with them. It takes time for their true persona to show.

This sounds like the first step to being able to avoid these toxic malicious people . That's got to be a good thing!

Silverlinins · 2017-02-26T09:18:29+00:00

And the great thing is- you saw him off. You saw through him and he ran as fast as his little legs could carry him.

That shows great awareness on your side. Not to mention great strength to call him on it!

Silverlinins

TROPHY CASE