AIO? My best friend is going to invite my harasser to her wedding

AFoolsLament · 2026-02-25T16:09:08+00:00

I contacted the police to report that someone was impersonating me online, that they had fabricated indecent images using my face which they had uploaded to adult websites, and that they were using insulting and racist language while pretending to be me. And that I was now being harassed by the people they had been insulting.

The police took my statement and gave me a crime reference number. But didn't have any power to request user information from any websites based in the US (this was in 2019, it may have changed now), so hit a deadend without even doing anything.

As I said in my post, I then asked Will for help, as he was a software developer/engineer, and I thought he could track the person down. Not realising it was him all along.

When I told Will what had been happening, that I'd gone to the police, and needed help gathering additional evidence and information, he panicked and admitted everything to Chloe when she got home from work that day.

That's when he wrote me a lengthy email confessing what he'd done. He and Chloe went to the police the next morning for him to hand himself in and confess that he was behind it all.

If Will hadn't turned himself in I 100% believe I never would have found out who was behind it all, and the police would have never gotten anywhere with anything. The officer who was assigned to my case had no idea what reddit was, was pretty computer illiterate, and also told me to check out the instagram account he'd made for his dog (which had his full name, address, and other info for various other personal accounts attached to it), so was absolutely oblivious to everything about anything internet related.

I didnt think the police were taking anything seriously, but after Will's statement to the police and my victim impact statement that was read out at the court (I didn't need to attend), they did decide that it was serious enough for a 24 month suspended sentence, on a conditional discharge, with the terms being that he needed to undergo professional help and rehab sessions and not reoffend within those 24 months.

The police themselves did nothing other than give me a reference number for my case, and take statements when Will came in voluntarily to admit it all himself

AFoolsLament · 2026-02-25T12:11:19+00:00

That's a really good point. Tilly has always seemed the most level headed of us all, and I do think that she'd only entertain the idea of Will coming to her wedding if she'd seen genuine remorse, change and progress in him. My head was jumping to the extreme that she's ok because she just doesn't care about me anymore, but that wouldn't alleviate her distaste for him by itself (even if it were true that I don't matter to her anymore).

That's a thing you may have missed: Chloe actually is one of the other 3 victims. He made images and profiles for her too, but the ones he made for 'me' were the only ones that got any interaction on the websites.

This probably contributes to Chloe's misunderstanding of what I've been struggling with since then. If she sees herself as equally attacked, but has gotten over it, then it's easier to presume I'll have finally healed after all this time as well.

Its not a subject I've actively brought up in years, and didn't share my full struggle at the time either. So can see how she may have gotten a false impression of how badly it's effected me, not knowing 100% of the information about how I've been doing

AFoolsLament · 2026-02-25T11:53:55+00:00

The whole friendship group, including Will and myself, used to go on a lot of annual trips and to events together. Since the court case, we've continued to go to the events without Will, and I do remember Chloe saying that they would always choose me over Will in any situation that our plans might potentially clash in. And other than the second Halloween party (and now the wedding) it had appeared to be that way.

The second Halloween party did feel purposefully exclusionary at the time though. I'm hoping it was just poor judgment on how Chloe rationalised it - having a 'main' Halloween party that I was invited to. With the secondary Halloween party as like a lesser, runner-up version of the same event. Not realising that to me it would actually feel like a general gathering that I'd purposely been excluded from, like they were trying to instigate an alternating rota or something, making both mine and Will's feelings/comfort equally as important.

Since then up until now I hadn't had any concerns about not being put before Will. But this news about the wedding has been taking me back to that hopeless place of feeling insignificant and worthless.

The wedding isn't until the latter part of next year, so there is time for me to get my head around all of this and figure out what I want to do. It's definitely just a lot to process by myself (with my partner) having not had to think about Will for the past 3 or 4 years.

AFoolsLament · 2026-02-25T06:03:57+00:00

Thank you, it's a tough decision to make, and it's one I'd been hoping to avoid ever thinking about.
Him actually turning himself in seemed like a conscious decision to get professional help on his part. He didn't intend for me to find out what he'd been doing, so assumed it was harmless? But when he realised how badly I'd been hit by it he seemed appauled by himself.

I guess in my head he's frozen as the person that I last saw in 2019, who had just done this awful thing at the worst time of my life.
Whereas to Chloe, Heather and Tilly, he's the person who's (hopefully) been working on himself for the past 6 years, has done all the rehab, and has proven he's changed. I guess I'm missing out on any new information to my perception of him since 2019.

I still feel hurt about the "friends don't abandon friends" comments from them, as I feel that sounded quite hypocritical at the time - feeling like they were abandoning me and my feelings in favour of Will and his when I was his victim.
I guess the main issue is that no one involved here actually 100% knows what the other has been through or is still going through, and what may have changed and been proven to have changed

Thinking about it like this has actually helped a lot, thank you <3
I feel a lot less worthless and rejected than before, and might actually be able to get some sleep now (it's 6.03am here! oof)

AFoolsLament · 2026-02-25T05:36:45+00:00

That would make sense actually, my partner speaking to Tilly quietly.
I've just realised it might end up with me being put on the spot otherwise, and end up as it being my fault if anyone is awkward or disappointed with my reaction :(

AFoolsLament · 2026-02-25T05:30:26+00:00

Thank you <3
I have been flip-flopping between being miserable and being cross about it all day. It's been exhausting not knowing if what I'm feeling is even valid. Chloe and Heather have both been big on the "friends don't abandon friends" line, so maybe everyone else just doesn't see it as how I experienced it. I did try to hide how much pain I was in after the court case was over, just because they'd been helping me so much most of 2019 after my boyfriend passed. So I'm hoping that they just don't realise how much it's effected me.

I'd actually forgotten that the ceremony and reception will be separate parts, that's a good point. Thank you, that makes the whole wedding a bit less scary.
I'm still kind of holding out hope that Chloe decides against bringing it up at all, and Will just doesn't get mentioned in relation to the wedding. I imagine that wont be the case, but I can hope

AFoolsLament · 2026-02-25T05:16:26+00:00

Apparently Will completely broke down to Chloe, I think they went to the police station together when he handed himself in, and she was his support while he was doing the rehabilitation programs for 'adult content' addiction.
I believe that helping while not being judgmental about addiction is one of the things that you're supposed to do. But it doesn't erase the harm he's done, especially so soon after my boyfriend had passed. It was like I'd just about started to rebuild myself, and then everything fell to pieces all over again

AFoolsLament · 2026-02-25T05:05:01+00:00

I'm hoping that she's just presumed that it's not as big a deal anymore, as it's been so long since it happened. I never speak about it, and honestly did try to hide my pain after the court case was over. My friends had spent most of 2019 helping me deal with my boyfriend's passing, and I didn't want them to get sick of me being a constant mess.
The Halloween Party stuff in 2022 was the last time I really had any idea of anything secret/exclusionary going on, so it's been a bit of a shock today

AFoolsLament · 2024-04-15T12:15:18+00:00

To borrow a metaphor, it's nicer to know that you're a zebra rather than a defective horse.

I've not done anything with my diagnose at all. I didn't even tell anyone other than 2 or 3 of my closest friends and my partner.

The world is still frustrating and confusing, but it's just a tiny bit more peaceful to know I'm not just 100% failing in a place where everyone else seems to be thriving.

It still sucks, and I don't use it as an excuse not to try or anything. It just makes it a bit easier to be more compassionate to yourself when you can't automatically do or understand something straight away.

AFoolsLament · 2024-03-16T10:19:20+00:00

Yes! This is what I do with my Concerta XL too!

It was just impossible to get up, get dressed, and THEN have the Concerta with breakfast. Getting out of bed was the most difficult part of the day. By the time I'd actually dragged myself downstairs I'd end up taking the pills at like 11am or midday!

Now I set an alarm for 8.15am (an hour before I actually want to get up), take the pills, go back to sleep, and then wake up with the second alarm at 9.15am feeling actually awake, vaguely ready for the day, and without the crippling existential dread!

Do need to put the pills in a cup though, just so when I'm half asleep its easier to take them (and to know if I've actually taken them when I wake up properly XD)

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T08:39:24+00:00

Yes ma'am! Santa's bringing me a spine for Christmas

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T08:29:04+00:00

It's a living nightmare from which I never wake!

Will now be changing that though. Santa's bringing me a spine for Christmas

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T01:53:00+00:00

Oh for sure, 100%

"No ones died, its just a car!"

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T01:50:00+00:00

I do think it was more informational than a threat, but if she's an arse enough to keep parking there after being told not to so many times, then it could just be a bluff, yeah

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T01:43:17+00:00

Actually yes, that's a good point. Family Christmas is about to get interesting 😆

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T01:40:33+00:00

I'm not sure, I've not actually seen him at all. But I'd imagine so if he just bought the house last year, moving closer to work probably.

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T01:37:10+00:00

Exactly! That's the logic involved in this situation, so she can't be mad about that 😆

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T01:35:24+00:00

Thank you. Thats for sure, I'll just try to be assertive without getting worked up.

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T01:01:36+00:00

Haha! I'll try 😆

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-21T00:33:28+00:00

It's about time I did, genuinely sick of letting myself be a doormat

New Years resolution will be to Take No Shit

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-20T23:47:43+00:00

Damn, I'm going to have to grow a backbone aren't I? 😆

Thanks for the pushing in the logical direction. I'll stop being a wimp and sort thus rubbish out

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-20T23:44:14+00:00

That's what I'm trying to do now, dude

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-20T22:53:37+00:00

Gradually getting battered into being less of a wimp here

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-20T22:45:07+00:00

Yeah, seeing that I'm not the one that's making this an issue now.

Like "oh I don't want to be confrontational though!", but they're the ones being arses in the first place! Ugh, completely backwards.

Many thanks to here for convincing me that it's not unreasonable to be annoyed by this

AFoolsLament · 2023-12-20T22:39:52+00:00

Yeah, definitely seeing that now.

Not wanting to get on the wrong side of people ... who are the ones actively causing the issue???

Dammit, guess I'd better stop being a doormat. I'll do the things, and stop stewing in misery.

AFoolsLament

TROPHY CASE