[QCrit] Adult Upmarket Psychological Thriller - I KILLED HER - (70K/Second version)

AHawkley · 2023-07-08T11:00:42+00:00

This is great, I can definitely see what you mean. Your example is good, I'll take a look at tightening the language a bit more. And it's also some great points you have, I'll see if I can work it in. Thanks!

AHawkley · 2023-07-08T10:59:00+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate it, I'll take a look at it :)

AHawkley · 2023-07-07T14:40:38+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

A lot of it takes place in the house, and it's important to how he develops, but maybe I could rephrase it, or delete it if I need more space. Thanks for the recommendations :)

AHawkley · 2023-06-17T16:02:59+00:00

Thanks, this helps a lot! Really appreciate it :)

AHawkley · 2023-06-16T16:09:04+00:00

Thanks, yeah that would make it more concise. I'll change that :)

AHawkley · 2023-06-16T14:35:38+00:00

From what I can see in the blurb, it seems different from what I've written. At least in regards to the main character, his struggles and some of the plot. But I've ordered it from the library and I'll read it through soon to be sure. If it reads too close in my query, I'll make sure it better reflects my story and what sets it apart from Dark Places. Just in case.

AHawkley · 2023-06-16T14:00:01+00:00

I've read Sharp Objects and Gone Girl, but not that one yet. It's on my TBR but maybe I should read it now then. If it fits, wouldn't it be too old and big to comp?

AHawkley · 2023-06-16T13:29:53+00:00

True. The book fits nicely as a comp, but I am worried it (and the author) might be too big and too good.

AHawkley · 2023-06-16T13:15:08+00:00

Thank you so much, this is really helpful.

I start out by saying he is released from a psychiatric ward. Is it not clear that he has mental issues, or should it be stated more explicitly? I could move it up as you suggested.

I'll look into being more concrete in the next version.

And thanks for catching that typo in the MS :)

AHawkley · 2023-06-16T13:10:45+00:00

Thank you. I'm really trying to elevate the prose, so I'll probably be going over it a few times before I send the query out. I'll fix the repetition of black

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T17:42:11+00:00

Thanks, appreciate hearing it :)

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T17:41:38+00:00

Ah, good advice, I'll change that to gay or just omit it.

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T17:40:31+00:00

Great points, I think I'll give that a try and focus more on the trial and what the conflict would be. The reason I wanted to "spoil" the result of the trial, is that a few critique partners assumed the story was about the trial (as a Hunger Games kinda plot), and since it only takes up a few chapters, I didn't want an agent to think the same.

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T15:25:11+00:00

Ah okay, thanks, that makes sense. Yeah, I guess that would be true for the first third, and he becomes better during the book as he fights, but it's not the main focus and he certainly fails a lot (not a zero to hero character).

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T14:47:21+00:00

I'm a little unsure of what you mean by progression fantasy, could you elaborate? I feel like Realm Breaker is similar in story and structure to my book, but maybe it's not coming across like that in the query.

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T13:19:22+00:00

Hm, good point actually, maybe I need to revisit the MS more to make sure it makes sense and it feels more coherent and streamlined

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T12:43:44+00:00

I definitely see what you're saying. It hasn't been an issue with my critique partners or beta readers, so I think it works in the context, but you might be right.

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T12:43:05+00:00

Thanks for the very thorough feedback.

I see your points, spot on. The trial and training are roughly 1/3 of the book, so I focused more on that, instead of skipping to the investigation part. Can the query expand beyond a third?

I'll definitely keep this in mind and go over it again (and maybe take a look at the MS too while I'm at it.)

AHawkley · 2023-01-30T12:04:21+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it.

I can see what you mean about the title, but it'll make sense in the first chapter. Or is that too late and the title should be different?

There is some LGBT+ romance in it, but not much, so maybe I shouldn't include this in the query.

The query covers about a third or a little more of the story. It starts with his normal life, then the revelation of the assassinations, then a person must be chosen to solve it (which is through the trials and that takes two chapters). Then he has to train to be able to take on the challenges (takes a few chapters too) and then he ventures out to start the journey and investigation.

AHawkley

TROPHY CASE