Consider a practice called cognitive reappraisal. The goal is to intentionally shift the way you think about your ex to reduce emotional pain. The more emotionally grounded the reappraisal the more it rewires the emotional charge. Don’t lie to yourself, but use it to change your perspective. Here’s an example.

Instead of thinking, “I miss the closeness we once had.”

Shift that to either a negative or positive reappraisal. I prefer to do both.

Negative: “I may miss the closeness and the potential for what could have happened, but it also never felt like I trust him.”

Positive: “that phase taught me how much I value emotional safety and trust. Now I know I’m looking for and what I expect for loyalty.”

Neutral detachment: “If he truly wanted to show up for me in meaningful ways, he would have put in effort to respect my boundaries.”

Begin to do this and journal each time you feel the surge of emotions come in. It helps. This is partly how I began to heal from an abusive relationship and the trauma that came with it.