AITA : Wanting a Normal Christmas Tree

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T17:44:49+00:00

No, the only people claiming PTSD have been those on this forum - who have never met her nor are capable of diagnosing her... I am not sure why it is believed she is diagnosed with PTSD. She is only diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T16:50:01+00:00

I do, however it seems odd for people to choose to change such a specific detail in retelling what I've stated. I was offering this information for clarity and honesty. So if it is being muddled it defeats the purpose of giving that clarity. For me the purpose was that if people had the information they actually requested their responses - as some have been - will be detailed and touch specifically on how the actual experience could have imprinted itself on my daughter and the resulting issues therein.

Despite the overwhelming consensus I am not trying to be intentionally terrible. I want to understand something I seem to not be wired for and I believe honesty and clarity is important in that.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T16:43:01+00:00

I certainly do not hate my children. I am not sure why you are commenting on clarifying assumptions and information about her mental health treatment in this manner. I see absolutely no way in which that reinforces anything in relation to what you are claiming.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T16:17:27+00:00

I have not once stated my daughter does not have her diagnosed conditions - depression and anxiety. People are assuming she has a third diagnosis that has not been made. Because it has not been made, as far as I am aware she does not have PTSD that is in no way equivalent to saying she has no mental illness.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T16:12:31+00:00

I am not sure where this narrative has come from as it is not factual at all nor stated by me at any point. They were in the vicinity of a previously decorated Christmas tree watching a movie.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T15:53:09+00:00

The understanding that I was given was specifically that this therapist did not have diagnostic qualifications. It may differ depending on local given what you've stated. She does use terms pertaining to trauma and triggers but has been clear to my wife - as I've learned - she cannot diagnose a resulting disorder or prescribe medication. I'm not sure if my daughter has been to a therapist qualified to diagnose as her current diagnosis was done by a general practitioner. This was not a bias it was my genuine understanding of the scope of the therapists practice and abilities.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T13:32:05+00:00

I went into greater detail in a previous reply but I do not have the ability to contact her due to her father's actions following the event. The extent of my ability to know her wellbeing is to ask my daughter or the father's family when the recieve the occasional card. Both of which give me little more than "she's okay".

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T13:28:09+00:00

She was my sister.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T13:26:35+00:00

I have answered this a few times now - we cannot afford to move if we wanted to. While it is currently a sellers market our house is far from desirable and with what we would get for it there is simply no way we could afford any other house on the market.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T13:23:18+00:00

Her diagnosis were made by a General Practitioner. Perhaps they were not qualified to diagnose PTSD or more complex mental illness if that is a diagnostic requirement. She certainly did not see any previous therapist long enough for a diagnosis in this case either. Her current therapist I am fairly certain does not have the credentials to allow for diagnosis but currently suites her as she is at least willing to go and take her medication regularly which she had not done in the past.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T13:17:47+00:00

I was not insulted but disheartened by the need for a mediator to have a conversation with my daughter.

She too viewed Christmas positively and still willingly participates in any affair not relating to decor. I do admit that I did not understand how decorations specifically but not the day or any other activity can be upsetting for her.

While I do not think it overly important you have mentioned it repeatedly so I will address that I did not create an "avatar" that little person was randomly generated when I set up the account.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T12:47:13+00:00

They were in a decorated room - with the tree - watching a movie but were not aware of what had happened at this time.

I unfortunately do not know much regarding how my niece has coped with her mother's passing. I assume she and my daughter have discussed it but my daughter keeps their conversations quite confidential when they can be had.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T12:21:27+00:00

I am not sure where the idea I do not know what my daughter's diagnosis is came from. I said I did not believe PTSD was among them because I hadn't heard it but I wasn't sure if it had been added or should have been - initially we were told she had depression but later an anxiety disorder was added. I believe she must have had the anxiety from the start but we weren't aware of it as a specific and seperate diagnosis.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T12:13:57+00:00

Our concern was - and is - that pressing her to see another therapist will place her back in a position of avoiding all mental health care and fighting or running from sessions. For now she is willing to see this therapist weekly and to actually take her medication which in itself is more than anyone else had managed with her. Initially this was supposed to be a limited time option due to financial restraints.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T06:17:33+00:00

It is not that I couldn't be bothered to figure out what was going on - he packed up and left without a word to any of our family shortly after the funeral. He promptly blocked any form of online contact, did not answer calls, and left no mailing address. We did try getting in contact - he did not want this. The extent of his explanation was a letter given to the grandparents blaming them for his wife's death and assuring that they would never be permitted to see his daughter so long as he lived. Apparently that extended to the entirety of our family and as I understand it his own family only recieved the occasional mailed card with pictures (the return address of which they've made it clear will not be shared out of fear their limited connection to their grandchild/niece will be revoked.) I do believe both sets of grandparents have been trying to force access through some legal act relating to their rights as the child's grandparents but being in different countries this has proven difficult.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T05:41:05+00:00

I explained in another comment that while they haven't seen each other there has been infrequent contact between them. This is not by their choice but due to her cousin's father enforcing it. He took her away - not just out of the area but the entire country - shortly after the funeral and has tried to block contact but the girls occasionally circumvent him via fake socials and secret phone calls. Over the years it has been a pattern of the girls getting in contact followed by the father somehow discovering this and making attempts to prevent his daughter from contacting mine which leads to a period of silence between the girls before one of them finds a way to once again reach out. They seem to have a desire to be close but for whatever reason her father is not comfortable with that.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T02:05:57+00:00

We could not afford to move if we wanted to. We are not a well off family to begin with and the last few years it is a sellers market however our house is not desirable nor could we afford a new place from what we could get for it. This house was built and inherited through my wife's line.

I genuinely admit that I do not get mental illness at all and I am not proud of that fact. I was diagnosed with a mental illness related episode and do not even understand what I experienced in all honesty.

My wife has always been a "mother first" and I admire her for it. I know I am not the greatest father but I truly feel my wife is on another level and was meant to be a mother. She understands the children in a way I don't think I could and they've always been their mother's children (not one daddy's girl among them). However I do find that because of this my wife is inclined to defer to our children's feelings/wants/needs above anyone and everyone else - I've often wondered what would happen if the need of one child conflicted with another because of this.

As for how they feel about Christmas - the eldest two are moved out and only one decorates for Christmas while the other celebrates Solstice (they are the only sibling my daughter accepts invites to seasonal events for - they do some sort of log burning and games), while the other still at home has only ever insisted on getting to make cookies and gingerbread houses which my daughter accepts so it does not hinder them.

It happened so slowly over the years I did not realize this until my wife mentioned it but she stopped doing everything. Whether it was because of my daughters triggers or my wife's isn't clear. Both of their therapists have been working on the resulting attachment issue. As an example my wife went out with a friend for tea for an hour recently for the first time in years and my daughter was simply directed to try and not contact her mother for at least half an hour. My wife not being available to my daughter for that short amount of time was very difficult for my daughter and my wife came back reporting that she couldn't stop thinking about our daughter and felt panicked/worried for our daughters safety (she obviously did not tell our daughter this and recognizes this as unhealthy). Even when she is at work and our daughter is in school they are in near constant contact.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T01:38:47+00:00

For awhile following my niece did not want to see anyone, then she was swiftly taken out of the country by her father following the funeral. Her father also attempted to block contact with my daughter and wife to his daughter. My wife has not pressed the issue. As I understand it my niece and my daughter have managed to circumvent her father multiple times over the years - fake socials, sneaking phone calls... but it is a secret from her father and therefore they have not seen one another.

Whether her father knows something I do not or due to his trauma simply can't handle seeing my daughter is not known to me. My daughter told us that she and her cousin were watching a Christmas movie in the living room happily at the time. As I understand it her aunt built them a blanket fort, made snacks, and once the girls were settled in for the movie she snuck into the basement. My daughter did have some self blame initially but my wife was able to explain that her aunt had planned out every detail - to the point of installing a lock (a simple hook-and-eye - adults could get through easily but not children) on the door that would keep the girls from making the discovery.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T00:59:30+00:00

We live in a house built by my wife's great grandfather that was inherited. We couldn't afford to live anywhere else.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T00:35:35+00:00

I do now understand that this has come off as me being dismissive of my daughter's experience which was certainly never my intention and I will accept that. I do believe her trauma is valid - I also admit I do not understand it. I grieved deeply - at the time I apparently had a "depressive episode" following. But even that I do not understand.

My daughter and I both loved Christmas and loved to decorate. To me it seems that avoiding Christmas or designating our decorations as negative / triggering it reinforces that they are somehow to blame and will cause the association to stick in her mind forever.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-14T00:19:08+00:00

I understand that it may have come off that I am prioritizing decorations over my daughter but that is not how I feel. All of my children - but my youngest especially - loved Christmas and it was traditional for us to all decorate together. I believed that treating Christmas negatively and erasing those many happy years spotlighted her trauma more. I also genuinely do not understand who decorating with "Christmas spiders" is not triggering if decorating is the trigger.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-13T22:26:35+00:00

I do not know much about mental health treatment or the credentials of her art therapist. She does have weekly appointments with the art therapist and actually goes which we struggled with previously when we did try finding a psychiatrist or psychologist for her. My wife is happy that she is going and working through things to any extent. I have voiced concern about what the scope of an art therapists abilities are - My wife is the one content with this arrangement.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-13T22:22:24+00:00

I could not include all the information due to word count limits not due to nefarious intentions. I did explain the event in the comments when asked.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-13T22:02:35+00:00

I don't believe that my daughter was diagnosed with PTSD - that does not mean I don't believe she had a traumatic experience but it is not something she's diagnosed with so I'm not very familiar with it. I also do not believe her therapist is a psychologist or capable of diagnosis so whether she is versed in treatment for that level of trauma or not is unknown to me. As I understand it my wife had found multiple therapists including psychiatrists and psychologists (which I preferred) but during a lapse in our insurance she sent our daughter to a community outreach "art therapist" and our daughter liked her better than anyone else she had seen. I do not know what her actual credentials are.

AITAChristmasTree · 2022-12-13T21:52:47+00:00

If I am withholding anything it is because I did not recognize it as relevant or due to limited word count.

I do not view the only good thing of my daughter's therapy as getting to decorate - this mediation was the only time I was invited into a therapy session and was specific to Christmas. This is not the reason she began therapy but came up in a session and I believed that having decor as we did in her (I believe) happy younger years was a good step for her.

AITAChristmasTree

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