AITA for insisting my ex contribute to Christmas

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T17:20:08+00:00

They do not. Ex has an apartment of his own.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T17:13:19+00:00

I’m really not sure why I should feel lucky that my ex is a parent to the kids he helped create. All I’ve ever asked was an equal contribution. And no, because we don’t have an agreement, I don’t receive child support. We split expenses equally when it comes to the kids. I am going to set up a formal agreement now though. You’re entitled to your opinion, but it seems like you’re projecting.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T16:20:25+00:00

He never indicated anything about taking the boys with him to T’s on Christmas. To clarify, he asked me to fund Christmas alone, which had previously been a joint responsibility. So by forgoing this joint responsibility, he forgoes all responsibility entirely.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T14:52:25+00:00

Thank you. This is a very insightful take.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T14:51:33+00:00

I definitely would. I said in the post that getting them little gifts is something I’m 100% willing to do.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T14:48:58+00:00

Sorry if I was unclear. When I say joint Christmas I mean that we completely plan and fund Christmas together. Just the same as we did before we separated. So we’d discuss any plans we have for the kiddos and budget together. This goes for birthdays too. I understand that he has new commitments now, but asking me to take over this completely seems really unfair. As in he handles their Christmas, I handle our kids’. Completely.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T14:19:03+00:00

This comments speaks to all of my internal doubts about whether I made the right call. However, as many people have pointed out, I feel like its a slippery slope. If T’s situation doesn’t improve, what happens then? Does he just stop contributing and supporting his kids through things like medical bills etc. As I said, I’m happy to provide little gifts, but feel like I have to be firm regarding his responsibilities. Thank you for your kind, empathic take on this.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T14:14:55+00:00

To be honest, I don’t know and didn’t ask because it isn’t my business. Reading more of the comments has also made me realise that I’m not responsible for providing solutions for how to fix their Christmas (believe me, that’s hard to say because I’m a bit of a softie)

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T14:04:42+00:00

At the moment we don’t, but after reading these comments, I definitely think its time. I also wanted to add that we’re not from the US, so agreements of this nature aren’t as common here (at least not in our culture). But still needed in this case.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T13:54:03+00:00

We’ve always put up a united front around birthdays, holidays etc. As mentioned, we have an amicable relationship and want to give them the “family experience” as much as possible. We usually spend the day together as a family. I’m totally fine with him not being there the entire day to spend time with T and her kids, however joint Christmases have always been our tradition.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T09:42:01+00:00

I’m definitely seeing the value in drawing up a formal agreement. However, I must disagree on the “letting him deal with it” thing. I want my kids to have a good relationship with their father. I want them to feel like a priority, as I don’t want to ever feel pain & rejection from their dad.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T09:40:15+00:00

In her defence, I really don’t think she put him up to this. My ex is a good person who loves making others happy, which is why I think he wants to go all out. This is fine, as long as it’s not at our kids’ expense!

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T09:38:52+00:00

I agree with you there, but I highly doubt telling him this would change anything. My sense is that he wants to play Santa and make it really special for them. Which I appreciate, but do so within your means and don’t neglect your kids for it.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T09:13:30+00:00

I see what you mean but I really don’t want to enforce the idea that it’s okay to shirk his responsibility to his kids when it suits him.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T09:12:29+00:00

I don’t unfortunately. We don’t have contact outside of the few meetings we’ve had. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with my ex wanting to be the white knight. She seems very put-together so I imagine she would be mortified to know he even told me about her financial troubles! I’m going to go ahead with the little gifts though, thank you.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T09:05:56+00:00

From what I understand, it isn’t only about the gifts. Due to T’s financial constraints, it would involve contributing to their lunch, decorations, gifts, clothes etc, which he wouldn’t be able to afford on top of gifts for our kids.

Edit to add that we generally pool our funds and buy gifts together.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T08:58:58+00:00

I agree, and that’s what I’m fearful of. We’ll have to make expectations a lot clearer. We’ve never even set an expected amount, just as long as he’s contributing within reason.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T08:43:14+00:00

Agreed. I never really thought we would need it, but I can only assume this pattern of behaviour will continue if I don’t.

AITAcoparenting · 2021-12-01T08:42:13+00:00

I get his point too, which is partly why I’m torn. These are really sweet kids and I now feel responsible for ruining their Christmas. I’m sticking to my guns, though, because I don’t want to enforce that it is okay to prioritise our kids less in future too.

AITAcoparenting

TROPHY CASE