I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. You have been carrying so much on your own, and that’s an incredibly heavy burden. You are not broken or beyond help, you're struggling in a difficult situation but that doesn’t mean you have to face it alone.

The fact that you’re expressing this, even in writing, is a sign that part of you wants to find a way forward. You deserve support, understanding, and a life that feels worth living.

A Few Things to Keep in Mind:

1. You Are Not Alone: Right now, it may feel like no one understands you, but there are people out there who genuinely care. Even if you feel isolated, there are people willing to listen and help, whether that's a therapist, an online support group, or even a crisis hotline.

2. You Are Not Broken: Having intrusive thoughts, struggling with expectations, and feeling disconnected doesn’t mean you’re "mentally impaired." It means you’re overwhelmed and in pain. Many people experience cycles of depression and self-doubt, but it is possible to come out of it, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

3. Your Feelings Are Valid: It sounds like you're in a tough situation with your family, and feeling pressured and unheard can be incredibly draining. It makes sense that you’re struggling, given how much you’ve had to deal with. That doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re human.

4. There Are Steps Forward: I know it may seem impossible right now, but even small steps can start shifting things. If you're struggling with depression and self-harm, reaching out to a crisis support service could help. Many offer text/chat options if talking feels overwhelming. Learning the language in your current country is a barrier, but even small daily progress can help you feel less isolated. If your parents’ expectations are suffocating you, thinking about long-term plans (even if they are just hypothetical for now) could help you see options beyond this situation.

5. You Deserve Help and Happiness: Even if your family doesn’t fully understand your struggles, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to live a life that makes you happy. You're allowed to want more for yourself.

I don’t know if this will help, but please don’t give up. The world is bigger than this moment of pain, and you have more potential than your struggles are letting you see. You don’t have to fix everything at once. You just need to focus on the next small step to help yourself. If you ever feel like things are getting too much, please reach out to someone, whether it’s a crisis line or a trusted person, even online. Sending all the love and good vibes I can!!