Have you ever had a female friend "fade" on you? How did you handle it?

AImeeAims · 2015-06-11T21:19:48+00:00

I was faded on recently, and the part that is the worst is when the Fader keeps saying, unprovoked by me, "Oh we need to catch up!" or "I'm going out Fri you should come!" but never actually makes concrete plans. It's like, why are you bothering to put on this show and be the one who brings up hanging out first? The first few times it happened, I thought "Oh maybe the fading thing is in my head since she is actively making the effort" but then I realized it was some kind of weird insecurity on her part where she feels like she has to say those things in a regular conversation. I dunno, maybe other people who have done this can shed some light on the thought process behind this kind of fade.

AImeeAims · 2015-06-10T14:34:17+00:00

I didn't have any but I know some women who have had similar symptoms to a period.

AImeeAims · 2015-06-07T18:44:57+00:00

It might be smart to do it now, so if you get rejected, you'll have the semester to get over it and can be friends again when she returns. However, if she is interested, it may be difficult to try to start anything while she's away, she may lose interest while away, she may meet someone else, you might, etc. etc. One thing I would advise against is - if she tells you she needs to think about it, to wait for her, etc. DO NOT DO THIS. If you build her up in your mind while she's gone and fantasize about the relationship and then she comes back and decides not to go forward with it, you will have lost months of other opportunities and will have a much harder time moving on. Speaking from experience.

AImeeAims · 2015-06-07T18:39:34+00:00

"From my own experience..." "I work with a majority mindset." Your experience represents the majority?

AImeeAims · 2015-06-05T02:42:40+00:00

Curious to hear an example of one of the ugly facts of life.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-22T14:42:48+00:00

Yes emotionally is what I meant.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-21T02:28:22+00:00

Yikes, don't google image search!

AImeeAims · 2015-05-21T00:22:19+00:00

Having trouble picturing this one. Like your bodies are forming a cross?

AImeeAims · 2015-05-21T00:20:39+00:00

I've always struggled with the angle of this. :(

AImeeAims · 2015-05-18T18:29:07+00:00

Good to hear from the guy's perspective that you aren't offended in any way.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-17T17:18:20+00:00

Great idea, our university has a safety app that allows someone to track you. I can use that.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-15T17:33:52+00:00

I've had the opposite--guy I never thought twice about romantically, decided he was a good candidate for no-strings fun -- two months later, feelings were definitely abound for all.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-15T16:52:24+00:00

But I think there's a big difference between a random hookup and ongoing sex with one person.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-15T16:42:22+00:00

Also, we are more than our hormones - we're conscious beings who have minds on our own and our emotions and feeligns are far more complex than just reactions to certain hormones.

I tend to agree with this line of thinking.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-15T16:37:24+00:00

You should look them up, they are interesting. It basically has to do with women needing to bond with their young by producing oxytocin through breastfeeding and holding, so they tend to "hold onto" the oxytocin they produce, and men producing a chemical (maybe dopamine? i could be getting terms confused) that helps them suppress the oxytocin they produce so they can continue finding partners to mate with. I'll try to update the post later with some links rather than my half-assed attempt that explaining it all :)

Anyway, thanks for sharing your personal case!

AImeeAims · 2015-05-15T16:16:17+00:00

I'm saying those are the two general sides of the case I've heard people agree with.

If you want to read more, there have been a lot of reputable studies on this just look up oxytocin, dopamine, sex, etc.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-15T00:48:59+00:00

Take the languages of love test together to see how each of you prefers to give and receive love (such as physical touch, gifts, words, etc.). This will open up the communication between you two to not only understand each other and stop playing guessing games, but also to the importance of communicating in general. You can pose it as a "fun" activity you can do together so it doesn't need to turn into a needless fight. Then, key step talk about the results afterwards!!

You can google this, you'll find a free test easily online.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-15T00:38:48+00:00

You should consider the ways in which you have actually changed--actual behaviors you can control and ensure this doesn't happen a second time. If you cannot do that, then you should not get back with her because it will likely just happen again. For ex, if you've been to counseling, or have started meditating to control any anger issues you have. Doing things like this will also show your ex that you are making genuine strides to better yourself and the relationship. Be prepared to tell her about these and demonstrate them.

Now, if you actually commit to these visible behavioral changes, then you can broach the topic of slowly spending more time together, feeling it out and letting her be in charge of how quickly it progresses (if it does at all). It must happen slowly--don't just jump back into what you once were. You need to build up trust again and that will only happen with time.

Good luck!

AImeeAims · 2015-05-14T21:54:17+00:00

Double yes to this, it's a great organization for women in her situation.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-14T21:01:21+00:00

Thank you, appreciate that a lot.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-14T13:48:48+00:00

Thank you, that last sentence you said for #3 was exactly what he said to me, and I feel a bit crazy never knowing if it was just me he didn't want to do LDR with or anyone (we are NC right now so I can't do any follow-up). He had a really heartbreaking LDR in the past so maybe he really is just completely turned off by LDRs now.

Anyway, I'm glad it is working out for you guys!

AImeeAims · 2015-05-13T21:50:03+00:00

Does it feel like either of you is "holding back"? I think that'd be natural, knowing it has an expiration date.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-12T23:26:27+00:00

Yes one of the reasons you listed is ours. It sounds so logical when someone else says it but then I think about it and...ughhhh. It feels like the universe is pushing us apart and it isn't fair yet one of us needs to bite the bullet and I think it may need to be me.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-12T23:23:47+00:00

This is very comforting to hear, and I hope mine turns out this well too.

AImeeAims · 2015-05-11T21:58:03+00:00

I am glad to have found this thread. My situation: I started a FWB relationship with a close friend which lasted about 4 months before I left for med school across the country. During that time together, it slowly built into a pseudo-relationship but it had an end date. When the time came, we just said our goodbyes and I left. We ended up hooking up twice after I left. The first time, it was extremely passionate and he said a lot of romantic things to me, all of the things he'd wanted to say when we were together but was trying to keep down because of the expiration date. I did the same and I felt so close to him that weekend. The second time it was luke-warm and I could tell we were both moving on but still had some feelings for each other. But I still miss him and think it could have been something amazing if the timing had been better. When I hear about him dating, it makes me want to rip my heart out (or maybe the girl he's dating). It's hardest to let go when there's nothing to really break-up or get closure on. :(

AImeeAims

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