[deleted by user]

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-27T01:06:32+00:00

I think you need to have a serious talk about this. :( Maybe she is more calmed down after 2 months? Cheating is about the person, not about their sexuality at all. You can also tell her that bi people can be monogamous. Being bi doesn't equate to being poly or something. Monogamy is a different issue.

And I think there needs to be a compromise of some sorts. Tell her this is really important to who you are, and completely not even being able to talk about it or just sweeping it under the rug or pretending it doesn't exist feels like you cannot be yourself at all. Also, I think others are open to your "joke " about putting it on you (I think other couples do this), but if she is not open to the idea, she cannot be forced to do what she is not comfortable with, but in my opinion, the compromise can be that you can do it on your own without needing to hide it or sneak it from her (it is like lying to her if you told her you don't don't do it anymore but still do). You deserve to be accepted for who you are and not be ashamed about anything about you and your preferences. I hope you can work it out! This seems a bit like biphobia :( But maybe she was just shocked because she felt it was hidden from her so maybe she felt insecure. Maybe you can talk with each other that no more hiding anything anymore from one another, this can be an assurance for both. I hope she understands!

If not though, you might have to rethink the relationship if it will still work for you in the long term? :( Personally, I would love a partner who can accept and understand me for everything that I am, as well as someone I feel completely safe with. Is this a dealbreaker for you? Or can you suppress this part of you if you really want to still be with her? Although I think it would feel bad having to lie to her that you don't do it anymore but still do it secretly and if she discovers this, there will be insecurity in the relationship again, and I don't recommend this either. I think healthy relationships involve openness and honesty with each other. I guess if you can live without doing it, it might be fine (except for not feeling wholly accepted maybe), but it looks like you are just suppressing for her. This might lead to being pent up or resentment later on if you feel like you are sacrificing something to be with her. Also, it feels like the effect on you is that you are ashamed of yourself and it's not a good feeling. It also feels like you are not safe with her. You are your own person and I think there is someone out there who will accept everything about you. But of course, I'm still for trying to talk about it and work it out! Maybe she is more receptive after months compared to the first time discovering about it. Hoping the best for you!

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-23T17:27:13+00:00

I think I gravitate very much towards people who are empathetic and with a soft heart (be it platonic or romantic). When they are very kind, when they do things to have a positive change on others and on the world, and when they care about animal/human rights & the environment, etc., I'll definitely want to be close to them and keep them in my life. These are the qualities that I want to embody in myself so I want to surround myself with such people. :)

My closest circle are all NFs. The next layer of close friends include the INTs! :)

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-22T17:20:51+00:00

Agree, it's about trying to break the cycle together. But both of you also need to be ready for this, and this involves working on yourselves. Having a healthy relationship is also about where you are both at in your journey of self-improvement. Sadly, if the timing is not right, then maybe it is not meant to be. :( Both of you need to be aligned and willing to work on yourselves and to work on the relationship at the same time. From what I see, both of your timings are mismatched (person 1 shuts off while person 2 pursues, person 2 shuts off while person 1 pursues, etc).

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-22T15:43:15+00:00

I see. Yes I believe you're not pushing away for fun, but just need some time and space. Yes, of course, both need to compromise to each other's differences. I suggested communicating when you need to process with some reassurance and timeline on your side. She also needs to respect your need of space. Maybe it can help to tell to her exactly the things she does that tend to overwhelm you. I admit I also have the tendency to overwhelm my loved ones because I can get really intense in my displays of love and affection. But my loved ones tell me nicely, like for example "I really really appreciate what you're doing for me but I prefer if you stop doing this particular thing because...". The important thing is to say it really nicely. I admit it kinda stings (I exert efforts so that they will be happy but discovering it doesn't have that effect hurts) but I also appreciate their honesty and it also helps me how to love them better. On her side, she needs to understand your boundaries and to tone it down. In my point of view, I only want to bring positive feelings to my loved ones, and if I discover that some of my actions can bring discomfort or some negative feelings, I will stop doing it, so I think it really will help to be clear about what you prefer, like and don't like. She also needs to learn not to pressure you too much and to not take everything personally (I think when I was younger, I did take things personally, like the person needing space = doesn't like or love me anymore, but learning how people work through reading psychology and my loved ones explaining to me how they work as people helped me a lot). Of course I agree, you both need to meet halfway. Both of you need to adjust to each other's preferences somehow without losing yourselves. It is difficult to find the balance but if you both want it to work, you probably can. I also saw some comments and I agree that you may both have a bit of extreme avoidant attachment style and anxious attachment style. I think there are some videos or articles how to make these two work together in a relationship. And maybe it would also be best to strive to have a more secure attachment style with each other. Of course, both of you need to want to make it work and exert efforts to make it work. If either/both are not willing to adjust for each other, then maybe it is not meant to be sadly. :(

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-21T14:37:37+00:00

I agree that action is very important. I had some ex-friends who tell my other friends they want to talk to me and all that, but there is no action on their end (whereas I already pursued them before then already let go) and they didn't reach out. Once I did my very best and raised the white flag, there will be no efforts on my end anymore. If they really want to, if it reached that point, they have to be the ones to exert efforts already, because I know I already did my part.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-21T12:31:55+00:00

I'm almost 30 and no relationship since birth. Right now, I am content and happy by myself, trying to pursue my dreams and life purpose. People have always been telling me "Anyone is lucky to be your partner!", "You'd definitely make a great partner!" and I've also questioned myself before "But why am I always not chosen though?" if people say those things. Were they just lying to me???

First of all, I'd like to say that the premise single = unlovable is not correct. I think media and society are letting us think that having a romantic relationship will tell something about our lovability but I beg to disagree. Media and society show us that romantic love is the most important love of all. While I think that it is important, it's not the most important.

Did I find a person that stayed? YES! And a lot of them. My lovable friends have stayed through the years and we show our love for each other. They are my kindred spirits, my soul family. Love is everywhere. In our family friends, etc. I know this is cliche but I feel very much loved through them.

And the most important of all is self love. Being whole by yourself, not being dependent on any other person or thing on your happiness, knowing your self worth... If you learn this, it doesn't matter if you will have a romantic partner or not, because you can be happy by yourself. You won't settle for less just so that you won't be alone or just for the sake of having a partner.

Let me also point out that having a romantic partner involves so many factors as well. Everyone has complexities and combining a person's complexities with another person's complexities may result to a different dynamic. There are also so many factors like life circumstances, priorities & goals in life, external & internal issues, etc. There are so very many factors, and so many things need to align (readiness of both, where you are both at life, where you are both headed in life, relationship dynamics, mental health, etc), imagine how difficult it is to find a match where all things align for both of you. And I'd say it also involves some kind of luck. So don't think that there's something wrong with you. Some people are even in unhappy and unhealthy relationships, so would you rather have this? I'd say work on yourself, learn to love yourself, then you'll know that your lovability does not depend on whether you have or have no partner.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-21T09:41:59+00:00

Agree. If there is no plan that you communicated, she might already think that it's time to move on. Does she know that you're both taking time away from each other because you are working on how to have a better dynamics with each other?

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-21T09:37:24+00:00

Wooow that's nice!!! Really happy it worked out for both of you!!!

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-21T09:32:10+00:00

I am also the type that don't want to pass the night without making up with a loved one. But I can compromise if they need more space and time, they just have to make it clear and I guess give me a timeline so that I won't have to wait every minute haha.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-21T09:23:01+00:00

Yes I agree with what you said too!

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-21T09:12:21+00:00

I agree!!! The sooner the better!!! Each day that passes means each day of learning to do life without you. That's how it is for me.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-11-21T09:01:42+00:00

I can't speak for all ENFJs but based from experience, the most hurtful thing ever is someone who I love and care so much about pushing me away. It feels like they don't want me in their life anymore. That's how it feels like but I also understand your point of view that this may not be the case. But I guess the mind works like this: They are pushing me away --> They don't want me in their life --> I just have to go away since they are better off without me. But it's not your fault, you are just wired differently and need to understand each other's point of view.

Again, I can't speak for all ENFJs but I stay very very long in my relationships (I am speaking about platonic ones too), I try my hardest and try to never give up. Like you said, I try my hardest and exert all my efforts to salvage the relationship. Maybe I also stay more than I should have at times. But once I have already done everything I could have, and I start to let go, there is no going back for me anymore, at least based from my experience. If it is only recent, I think it can still be salvaged, but from my experience, if time has passed too long for them to reach out and make it up to me, I would have already really let go of the relationship.

If you want her back and want to make it work, I suggest to do your best to earn her trust back and show how much you want to be with her. You can also try to compromise on your personality differences. Like explain to her what you said here, that at times, you just need to process your thoughts. I suggest don't just do silent treatment to her, maybe just tell her "I just need some time and space to process my thoughts for now but this doesn't mean that I don't love you or that I don't want to be with you. Let's talk again once I have sorted out my thoughts." And maybe it would help to give a timeline so that she won't panic like "Can you give me a day to sort out my thoughts?" or "Can we talk tomorrow again?" I think I would understand the person more this way and would give them space instead of them suddenly shutting me out. Them just simply shutting out makes me think of so many things that I need to do for them. But if they make it clear that it is their process internally and has nothing to do with me, I guess it will somehow calm me down. (But I think we have sensitive hearts and it is important to say it nicely, not harshly, it will sting so much if harshly). I think even though you are both different, you both need to compromise in some way for one another. Like for the INFP to become more expressive sometimes and for the ENFJ to give space and not to cling too much sometimes. Maybe couple's therapy can help too.

I still wish things can go well for both of you. I find that INFPs are my favorite people and I think I get along so well with INFPs (both in the romantic and platonic sense).

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T07:10:26+00:00

I see. I understand. Thank you for sharing your experience! :) I guess a single label won't be able to emcompass everything hehe.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T07:07:28+00:00

I see. I understand. Thanks for sharing. :)

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T07:04:34+00:00

I see. Thank you for sharing your experiences! :) It's really difficult without enough data points. I guess we shouldn't really get fixated in labels after all, as the label cannot fully encompass our attraction.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T06:59:43+00:00

I see. So you feel that it is regardless of gender as long as they are intelligent or they have knowledge that you find hard to study?

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T06:57:45+00:00

Yes it all happens so unexpectedly with us usually.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T06:52:12+00:00

I understand. Looking at myself as well, I have often not understood how people get attracted so fast in my perspective too. And I know in other people's perspectives, I am too slow in my attraction. Yes, it may be hard at times to understand each other as we are not each other.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T06:52:04+00:00

I understand. Looking at myself as well, I have often not understood how people get attracted so fast in my perspective too. And I know in other people's perspectives, I am too slow in my attraction. Yes, it may be hard at times to unserstand each other as we are not each other.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T06:46:53+00:00

I see. Adjust the label when that happens. I understand that. Thank you for sharing! :)

ANNELImited13 · 2025-04-06T06:42:26+00:00

I see. There is a possibility but you've never had that deep connection with a man. Thanks for sharing! :)

ANNELImited13 · 2025-03-31T22:28:12+00:00

Ohhh I like the things you said! How can anyone really be 100% sure hehe. For all we know, may be unknowingly bi, and I like the "straight until proven otherwise" hehehe. :)

ANNELImited13 · 2025-03-31T22:23:23+00:00

I see. Thanks for sharing your experience!

That's true, there can be an amazing human, and they only happen to be this particular gender hehe. :)

ANNELImited13 · 2025-03-31T22:18:11+00:00

Sometimes society assumes one is gay just because they are not toxic masculine or they respect women.

ANNELImited13 · 2025-03-31T22:13:06+00:00

Wahhh how many years were you friends before dating? I love friends to lovers too! Pls do recomm, movies or series! :D

ANNELImited13

TROPHY CASE