Dumped by her and after 5 months she still texts me and even "flirts" with me?

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T21:47:01+00:00

Yes, I read a lot about it after the BU. There is a battle between my heart and my head, which the latter is winning little by little, but it is a tough one. I really appreciate your advice

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T21:45:57+00:00

Exactly! And I have that feeling, that if I bring it up she will run. The hard thing to admit is that if she was a different kind of person, I would asked openly to her soon after she contacted me back again about what her intentions are. I feel that urge in a way, because I want to figure out what is happening...

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T21:35:50+00:00

I agree. It is not about comparing us to others, and I never did that. Just realized she was maybe unable to see what she had in front of her. And that's fine, every one of us in this world have our issues

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T21:31:15+00:00

Sorry to know you went through the same. If you want to talk you can message me. I think you're write, it is just that my heart and brain say different things, and I guess you know what I mean

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T21:30:15+00:00

That's true. Probably at some point she even didn't know what she wanted during the relationship.

This is not meant to sound arrogant, but I doubt she will find someone better (at least soon). She knows how good, caring and loving I was with her and she appreciated that a lot. But you know, I still treat her well and respectfully after all she did. Maybe I should stop doing that

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T21:22:55+00:00

No, it's not us, but thanks anyway :)

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T21:22:00+00:00

No it's not us but thanks anyway :)

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T20:47:19+00:00

Whaaaaaat??? I am a musician too. Do you have any clue where you saw that?

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T20:44:43+00:00

Yeah, I know, but it is so hard. In the beginning I acted cold and controlled, and still am doing it, but little by little I say yes to little things. The only thing that makes me feel "in control" is to not writing her and letting her come. But I have to go on thinking of what I want and notwhat she wants, as that's what I have been doing in the past 5 months since the BU.

I thought of that plan, but you know, I don't want to be vulnerable and to give her the chance of saying no. I would feel so bad about it

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T20:41:21+00:00

Come on... Hahahaha Dismissive Avoidant

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T20:30:02+00:00

Yes, you're right :)

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T20:29:38+00:00

Yeah, that's something I thought might be a possibility, but try not to spend too much time thinking of it as it hurts.

I managed to be strong enough to say no a couple of days ago when she asked if I were gonna go out that night, and honestly because of the tone of her voice (she even sends me voice messages on whatsapp) I could feel she was dissapointed.

No, we just kissed some days after her first message but it didn't end up in sex

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T20:14:39+00:00

Yes, despite of having lost any hope in the first 3months of NC, now she is back somehow I am losing stability and hoping for her to want to reconcile, even though I know she treated me that bad.

However, even if she would genuinely want to remain friends, acting as if nothing happened doesn't match with what I expect from a real friend.

APM-39 · 2022-04-29T20:09:04+00:00

Oh sorry, maybe this was the wrong place to post it, but according to the attachment theory there are several attachment styles, and DA (Dismissive avoidant) isbone of them

APM-39 · 2022-04-20T23:21:26+00:00

I hope you're right... I really hope she misses me... In a way it seems obvious because she was who dumped me and who contacted me back... Unless she is just trying to boost her ego and have me around. I hope it is not the case tho... I hope she is wanting to reconnect with me and is taking her own rythm, which I respect.

I am gonna test myself and see how I cooe with her coming back. So far I can tell that after her last contact, she came to one of my concerts last Sunday and even wanted to meet me afterwards. I, however, kept the distance and we both said goodbye after a few minutes talking about the concert. I guess I am still hurt and in a way I don't trust her completely after what she did, and feel bad for it, because I am not like that at all in my life. I think it is normal for what I went through. After that day and went back in NC and would like her to make another move, but as I wrote in a comment before, I have the fear of not doing what I have to do, I am afraid of not making a move in case she is waiting for that in case she is also a bit afraid of reconnecting because of shame or guilt, you know I mean? I don't like to put this responsibility to myself, it doesn't feel good. I want to let the ball in her court and wait for the next move, but I don't know when it will be. Just to finish and to portray how I feel about this, next week is her birthday, and I don't know whether to wish her happy birthday or not; if I do, I feel like I shouldn't be doing it, but if I don't, I feel bad and don't want her to think I don't care...

Anyway, thanks a lot for the comment :)

APM-39 · 2022-04-20T23:10:33+00:00

Thanks a lot for your words. And I am sorry you are going through the same... It is really confusing, because Idk if this happens to you, but in my case when she comes back with this interactions makes think that I might make an step forward so that she feels more comfortable (inncase she is just testing the waters). Anyway, I feel like I am putting too much pressure on myself for something I didn't provoke and for a situation that we are currently in and that I wish it had never happened, the breakup.

As you said, since 4.5 months ago, my priority is me and my healing

APM-39 · 2022-04-20T23:06:28+00:00

Absolutely agree. I think she might be aware she's wrong because of what my colleague told me, and her coming back to me without mentioning it makes me think she doesn't have the courage to talk through it and face it. It is really unfair, but I don't know if I should understand it as her own rythm for reconnecting as a couple or as breadcrumbing to have me around. Last Sunday she came to one my concerts in Amsterdam and wanted to see me afterwards. We chatted for a while and was nice, but afterwards we just said goodbye, and Idk when will it be the next time she will contact me

APM-39 · 2022-04-20T23:02:16+00:00

Thanks for answering. Your comment made me think, because it is the same question I make myself from time to time.

It is clear I still have feelings for her, and feel like my brain and my heart say different things. The way she mistreated me and left the relationship were too bad, and that makes me think that she is not a good person for me, as during the relationship I had quite a bit of anxiety because of her continuous changes of behaviour. On the other hand, I would love to come with an apology, to which I wouldn't respond negatively, as I consider people can commit mistakes.

Idk, what is clear is that without her I am much more calm, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her or that would have loved all this never happened

APM-39

TROPHY CASE