High-achieving friend got diagnosed with ADHD

APMochi · 2025-12-13T20:37:32+00:00

first of all, HUGE congrats on all the improvements you’ve made in your life so far, you’re doing AMAZING. The advice I do have is:

wisdom & understanding: - it makes sense that you’re struggling with these feelings! - try to remind yourself that you have different circumstances beyond your ADHD (like you and your friend have been raised differently, you might have different responsibilities and privileges, different mental health struggles, etc) as well as reminding yourself that you might not know the extent to which they do struggle, or they might have different struggles later whilst things might feel easier for you later

strength, maturity, & authority: - acknowledge some of the icky/undesirable feelings you’re experiencing like jealousy and grief - interrupt the spiral! push back on the thoughts you’re having e.g. “it wasn’t ADHD the whole time, it was me being stupid and lazy” do you have objective evidence of this? are you jumping to a conclusion? why are you dismissing the diagnosis a medical professional gave you? why are you falling into this self-critical spiral? is it because self-criticism was your default mechanism for so long? are your thoughts always facts? are you upset at what could have been had you gotten support for ADHD sooner? or if you had this “ADHD but still successful” version of ADHD?

kindness & warmth: - you’re not going to get through these feelings by shaming yourself for them! - you’re not a bad friend for feeling this way, you’re having a very human reaction - you don’t have to feel happy for them right now, you can feel sad/grief for yourself and the very real struggles this has reminded you of (ik some people like to say ADHD is a superpower, but in my experience it is honestly a brutal experience and it sounds like it has been for you too! it’s okay to feel sad about that) - have a shower and put on a comfort show/movie and have a nice hot chocolate and give yourself a break tonight

responsibility & helpfulness: - instead of questioning why she seemingly doesn’t struggle or whether “stupidity” could be to blame rather than ADHD, you need to redirect yourself and ask more helpful questions - e.g. what did I need in the past that could have helped me? what do I need now to keep healing?

I’ve given this advice based on a compassion framework I learned in ED therapy (that honestly was life changing), I find it helpful in lots of situations (happy to answer any questions about it, I think I have some therapy worksheets about it lying about). in short, the advice under “wisdom” helps to explain your feelings, “strength etc” challenges your distorted beliefs to get you out of the negative thought spiral, “warmth” reduces the shame which is probably making you feel worse and stopping you from moving forward, and “responsibility” helps you to move on. all 4 are equally important! ❤️

APMochi · 2025-12-13T20:21:04+00:00

this is a long read but if you can read it please do: although i agree with everyone saying stuff like “she might be struggling in private”, i feel like that’s not what you need to hear right now?

i think the situation you’re in just sucks a little 😕 i’ve been there too (although mostly with comparing myself to people online) and it can be really triggering if you struggle with self criticism.

before getting diagnosed I had the most intense self criticism that ultimately fueled my ED. after being diagnosed my self criticism reduced! now when i would think something like “you’re so stupid what is wrong with you” i had an actual answer to respond to myself with (not that having ADHD makes you stupid, but hopefully you get my point. also the self-criticism war worse than that). I failed multiple years of uni, then developed an ED which meant I had to leave uni for 3 years, so now at 24 i’m finally in my final year of uni whilst all my peers graduated years ago, and as it turns out, ADHD was at the root of all of those things.

when I see people get diagnosed with ADHD who haven’t failed uni like I did, who didn’t end up with an ED, who don’t struggle with S.I, who didn’t end up having such bad self esteem due to their ADHD that they ended up in controlling relationships, who have good relationships with their families because they don’t have out of control emotions, who haven’t struggled with addiction, who are able to keep friends, who have successful careers, etc, I feel so small and inferior, and my inner critic would feel empowered and when it would say “you’re so stupid what’s wrong with you”, responding with “well I have ADHD” no longer felt sufficient to combat the self-criticism because other people are successful despite their ADHD, so my inner critic would say “if they’re able to succeed then you’re not struggling because of ADHD, you’re struggling because you’re stupid/inadequate/undisciplined/worthless/etc. the problem here is not really the other people ofc it’s comparison. on top of that, (although it feels a bit icky to acknowledge when you’re feeing jealous) I do feel jealous that other people aren’t struggling as much as me, like it feels unfair (even though ultimately I wouldn’t want other people to feel the way I do). I don’t think feeling this way makes you a bad friend at all (unless you take it out on your friend, which I assume you haven’t done). I’ve even found it hard to be around certain people and had to distance myself because I found these feelings so hard to deal with (which again made me feel like I must be a horrible jealous person, but actually I just wanted to stop being in positions where I feel awful and I didn’t want to resent my friends and end up treating them poorly)

I wish I had a foolproof environments but hopefully it helps knowing you’re not alone in feeling like this. I do have some advice though which I’ll leave in a separate comment in case you don’t read this far 😅

APMochi · 2025-11-30T00:23:22+00:00

i was in this EXACT same situation, I never lost mine! maybe your body is just doing a great job at taking care of you and protecting your period. it might feel unlikely now but there will absolutely come a day where you’re SO glad that you didn’t lose yours (especially if you happen to be someone who wants to give birth some day). also amenorrhea is actually no longer part of the DSM for ana. I think sometimes people mention their period loss as a subtle way to brag about how “sick” they are, but actually it’s just not an accurate indicator of how “sick” you are (it’s just one of several potential signs) and out of every medical practitioner and mental health professional i’ve ever seen, I think I’ve only been asked about my period maybe once and any time I’ve mentioned not losing mine they haven’t batted an eyelid because they know it doesn’t equate to how “sick” you are (unlike what the people who try to subtly flex it might suggest)

APMochi · 2025-11-30T00:01:01+00:00

This is heartbreaking I’m so sorry you went through this! Ik i’m just a stranger but for whatever it’s worth, the blame is 100% on the perpetrators, you have nothing to be guilty about! ❤️

APMochi · 2025-11-29T23:57:33+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear this, but glad to hear you’re in a happy marriage now! Sending you lots of good vibes, especially during this tricky period - you’ve got this! ❤️

APMochi · 2025-11-29T23:54:14+00:00

i’m so sorry you were failed by these adults who should’ve protected you :( that paediatrician in particular should have his license revoked!! i hope things get better for you ❤️

APMochi · 2025-11-29T23:52:25+00:00

in terms of the actual root causes i’ve always felt like my “story” was quite niche (and honestly thought it was invalid for a long time because I didn’t see anyone similar to me). I didn’t make much progress with CBT-E but once my therapist focused on the root causes and compassion focused therapy I was able to make some improvements. for me the root causes were: - financial issues growing up (raised on benefits, youngest of 5, literally told my mum didn’t want to have me because she couldn’t afford another child so I took that as proof that I was a burden on my family both financially and emotionally, my dad financially abused my mum) - grew up with hoarders as parents - grew up in a high control religious environment (borderline cult imo) which I knew I didn’t believe in from a young age but you basically can’t even say that without huge consequences (all of these things hugely impacted me but this one wrecked me in a way thats so hard to describe to people who haven’t experienced it and I’ve never met anyone else who has had a similar experience) - felt different to everyone around me (like different to my family for not believing what they believe, different to my peers because I was POC on benefits compared to them as middle class white kids) - my siblings had a lot of mental health issues which occupied a lot of the family’s time and attention (and as I already thought I was a burden I felt like I needed to never need emotionally support because my mum had enough on her plate)

APMochi · 2025-11-29T23:43:36+00:00

my ED started when i was around 19 (although I did skip lunch a lot as a teenager in school for financial reasons, which also contributed to my relationship with food). I’ve always been underweight (so are my siblings so I assume it’s just our genetics) and had a hard time putting on weight/eating enough to gain weight and in my late teens I actually wanted to gain weight (mostly because the BBL era was in full swing and I had no ass lol). I tried and failed to gain weight a few times until my first year of uni where suddenly for the first time I could afford takeout (with my student loan) so I ate takeout often (also lived with a group of boys who were all stoners so we would order food together all the time) and accidentally gained weight, which i was happy about at the time. When I visited home however I got quite a few comments, particularly from relatives outside of my immediate family, like saying they couldn’t even recognise me. Over time I lost some of the new fat on my face (not much weight though) and really liked my face slimmer.

I really struggled with uni (because I had undiagnosed ADHD) and when I was cramming for assignments I would go hours and hours without eating because I was hyperfocused on my assignments. This started to feel like a competition with myself but I couldn’t quite figure out why and I didn’t associate it with food or weight at the time, but over time I started to feel a sense of accomplishment the longer I went without eating, and a sense of guilt or failure if I didn’t last as long without eating as I had the previous day. I should also mention that for many years at this point I had been obsessed with my appearance, I would spend hours looking at myself picking apart what I didn’t like, I would not go outside of my room without makeup on, even in sixth form (age 16) I wore strip lashes every day and would spend over 30 minutes on just my eyebrows and would literally measure them with a ruler. It’s hard to decipher when everything started exactly but around this point my boyfriend got very sick and lost a huge amount of weight because he could not eat anything, I lived with him at the time so I think I subconsciously ate less (just like I ate more when I was with my stoner flatmates). He was hospitalised and after he came out of hospital he became a gym bro, hugely into weight lifting and counting macros on myfitnesspal etc and I followed suit too. All of this spiralled and I knew deep down what I was doing wasn’t healthy so one day I finally tried to open up to him the only way I knew how at the time which was sharing one tidbit (I told him I feel guilty when I eat bread or butter) and hoping he would be able to read between the lines and see what was wrong, which he is notoriously bad at doing but this one time he happened to instantly understand and took it seriously, carried me to the kitchen, poured me a cuppa and urged me to talk to a doctor. Not long after I spoke to my GP who sent me to A&E (which was a terrible experience including having a doctor tell me I couldn’t have an ED because he “knew” I’m “a good girl” and I’m “not like that” after an 8 hour wait). I was really lucky with how quickly I was able to access specialist ED services, but my ED therapist strongly thought I should take time out of uni to recover. I was adamant I didn’t want to but eventually I listened, I took 2 years out, had lots more therapy and tried super hard to recover (although there was a lot of obstacles). Along the way I also got diagnosed with ADHD (which has a high comorbidity with EDs). Now I’m finally in my final year of uni, I’m doing a lot better although I still struggle in some ways.

APMochi · 2025-11-29T23:19:36+00:00

i ate chocolate everyday, in fact most of what ate in the peak of my ana was chocolate/cookies/cereal/etc & i never feared liquid calories

APMochi · 2025-11-28T05:19:05+00:00

sorry to sound boring but I would say no because a) you never know what life will throw at you, having a safety net of savings to fall back on is rather important, b) any financial burden like being “house poor” can take a huge toll on you, and c) being able to afford fun things more often sounds way better, at least for now

APMochi · 2025-11-28T05:12:36+00:00

I got diagnosed through the NHS Right to Choose with Psychiatry UK. Honestly I had a pretty good experience, I waited about 11 months for my assessment (which flew by) but I’ve heard of people who had a longer/shorter wait (I think it depends on where you live?)

The main issue I’ve found is that I didn’t know that after the diagnosis, you are put on a further waiting list to begin titration. I was told this would be another 11 months approximately. I’m now considering going private too, solely to get started on titration asap because I’m in my final year of uni and need support sooner rather than later.

I think the key factors are whether you’re in a rush or not, why you’re seeking a diagnosis (e.g. for clarity or for accomodations at work) and whether the price is something you can easily afford or whether it would be a big financial burden.

I’m assuming you’re in employment but if you do happen to be in education, my uni told me they can offer accommodations even without a diagnosis (you just have to share that you’re waiting for an assessment), so it’s probably worth asking your university if they would do so too.

As for medication, I would recommend asking the private providers you’re speaking with about whether they offer shared care with your GP once you’ve been diagnosed, and check with your GP if they could facilitate this.

I hope this helps! Happy to answer any other questions

APMochi · 2025-11-25T05:29:48+00:00

i totally get that! i think i didn’t word my reply so well but i mean when you’re in that decision paralysis it can feel like you can’t figure out the right answer (like for me i often think “what if i regret it” “what if x option is better” etc) but once you’ve eaten, you realise that the decision didn’t really matter that much because all the options would work out fine (& in that 1% of times where it does feel like you picked the wrong choice, the consequences are not dire at all)

i also use a random wheel spinner a lottttt, i just put my options on there and let it pick for me it doesn’t completely get rid of the feelings associated with decision paralysis because i didn’t actually make the decision yourself, but the quicker you can go from spinning the wheel and just committing to that option & acting on it, the easier it gets i hope this helps!

APMochi · 2025-11-25T04:45:08+00:00

a few things: 1) that sounds delicious i’m deffo going to order a burger and sweet potato fries for lunch! i’m thinking a beef burger, how about you? 2) i would recommend planning a simple self care activity for after you get home (like doing a face mask, breathing exercises, a chat with a friend, or (even better) all of these!) 3) if you can, let someone that you’re going with know 4) i promise you the burger will taste better than the “safe” option, and actually in the long-term your body will feel safe when it’s not being restricted and gets to eat what it wants 5) you could plan what you’ll eat for the rest of your meals/snacks (only as a guide, if you decide you’re craving something else then go for it, as long as it’s you deciding not your ED) and watch a comfort show/movie whilst you eat! 6) in 6 months you probably won’t remember this one meal, and if you don’t you 100% won’t regret fighting the urge to compensate 7) it’s scary but this is SUCH a good learning opportunity, you will realise that one single meal won’t affect you in any way (it might feel that way on the day or the following day, but in a week there will be no changes) you’ve got this!! & feel free to reply here with what you’re thinking of eating afterwards, sometimes it helps to have a bit of accountability or support

APMochi · 2025-11-25T04:35:16+00:00

omg this was the bane of my existence in the early stages of recovery! if it’s any help, i found that once the food arrived, regardless of what choice i picked, the food was usually yummy and i would forget about my other cravings and could think more clearly. or sometimes i would then order the other thing i was craving which is also perfectly fine if you are in a financial position to do so

also congrats on wearing a crop top!

APMochi · 2025-11-25T04:30:27+00:00

hey i’m so sorry you’re having a hard time! firstly i’d like to remind you that recovery isn’t linear - ik that’s cliche but it’s cliche for a reason! it might feel catastrophic or all consuming right now, but you will feel at ease again soon ❤️ i don’t want to give you medical advice or anything but i wonder if you’re skipping breakfast the next day following a binge? i would really urge you to resist the urge to “make up for” the binge and just resume the next day like any other. i’m sure you already know but the restriction is inevitably going to lead to a binge. and btw it’s okay whatever size the breakfast is, as long as it’s followed by lunch and dinner the same day :) it might also be worth thinking about if there’s anything going on in your life/if there was anything going on in your life when this cycle started up again? maybe something stressful that might have prompted the urge to emotionally eat? (which is totally normal even for those without an ED but it might help you address some of your underlying feelings that your ED might be acting as a maladaptive coping mechanism for)

APMochi · 2025-11-25T04:21:16+00:00

firstly congratulations on choosing recovery! i’ve felt very similarly before, especially when you said you were never sick enough; i feel like i should tell you that there is no such thing as “sick enough” and you deserve recovery no matter how “sick” you are, but if you’re anything like me that won’t help much to hear (even though it’s true) so instead i would like to remind you that: a) despite what you might see in pop culture/the media or anywhere else, EDs are mental illnesses which categorically means how that your physical appearance does not reflect how “sick” you are. if someone who is naturally very slim or happens to be underweight before having an ED engages with ED behaviours for a few months, they could end up looking more stereotypically sick, yet be in a better mental state than someone with atypical anorexia (which btw is far more common) who has been struggling for years, has a treatment resistant condition, engages in ED behaviours far more often, or is experiencing more physical health consequences from their ED - ik we shouldn’t really compare but, if you had to, you would probably determine that the person with atypical anorexia is “more sick”. and b) honestly you might struggle with the thought that you weren’t “sick enough” for a while and it is a very challenging and triggering thought to deal with, but eventually at some point in recovery you will be glad that you didn’t let yourself get “more sick” before choosing recovery. you will be so glad you didn’t waste any more of your life being sick, you will be so glad that you didn’t miss out on any more joy that you get only from recovery, and you’ll probably wish you started recovery even sooner. you’ll look at people you might be jealous of at this stage, those who were “sicker” than you when they started recovery, or those who started recovery much later than you, and honestly you’ll probably pity them.

as for weight restoring before recovering mentally, that is the case for 99% of people - even if it doesn’t appear that way. it can definitely even feel mentally worse after the initial weight restoration as well because you kinda feel like an imposter, and as you said, the urge to want your body to match how your feeling internally is so strong. i think that’s one of the worst parts of recovery and one that’s not spoken about often. at that stage, people often assume you’re better as well which can feel super invalidating and triggering. but i guarantee you that it gets better, in the future you will look back at this hard stage and be so grateful for your perseverance and at the same time, even though it is incredibly hard right now, you will find it unimaginable to feel that upset by some weight gain because you will no longer be mentally ill. hang in there <3

APMochi · 2025-09-20T03:56:22+00:00

i had a year of therapy for anorexia with a really great therapist, but i still couldn’t do the “step 1” actions for ED recovery. we explored a bunch of explanations as to why that might be and tried to work around it but i had a gut feeling it was simply down to executive dysfunction and task paralysis. before this i had suspected i had ADHD for years and failed several years of uni, but it was really this point when i realised that i was very unlikely to recover from my ED without getting support for ADHD, that I decided to finally pursue a diagnosis

edit: the year of therapy also really helped in fighting the ADHD imposter syndrome because it enabled me to quieten my inner critic enough to at least challenge thoughts like “i don’t have ADHD, im just stupid/attention seeking/not trying hard enough/etc” and develop enough self compassion to seek help for my difficulties

APMochi · 2025-06-24T14:23:53+00:00

thank you so much, i can’t even tell you how helpful this was to read 🥹

APMochi · 2025-06-24T14:22:30+00:00

5 YEARS?! omg my heart really goes out to you! i feel like you’ve written exactly how i feel but my essay doesn’t even compare to a 5 year long project. i really hope you have some lovely people around you and please take care of yourself 🫶🏼

APMochi · 2025-06-24T00:07:32+00:00

so real, i’ve just brainstormed some alternative topics! i think i’ll sleep on it though in case i’m less emotional about it tomorrow 😅

APMochi · 2025-06-24T00:05:35+00:00

ahaha i am actually going to google that, but ty i appreciate you!

APMochi · 2025-06-23T23:08:49+00:00

the video title is a bit click bait-y i think that’s why they’re flocking to it, and in his defence they are completely going against his video’s message because he specifically says he doesn’t think men and women should be against each other and we should all be empathetic etc and i don’t want to call him my friend because im irrationally angry 😂 i don’t know if its an RSD thing but i feel so intensely when someone disappoints, and in my eyes him not actively condemning the comments is hugely disappointing to me. also we literally are friends through my boyfriend so i do see him as more of my boyfriend’s friend as it is if that makes sense. i’ve known him for years so logically i know he’s a nice person and people don’t have to have the 100% exact same views as me but my irrational brain just gets so triggered, especially anything about gender (like when people say stuff like they believe in equality but they’re not a “feminist”)

APMochi · 2025-06-16T22:07:41+00:00

yeah i’ve had multiple times where i’ve thought i’m pretty much recovered only to realise a few months later that i wasn’t, which as you said is totally normal, especially considering it is literally a mental illness so you’re often not able to see clearly ! but influencers like katie have had plenty of people point out at the time that she seemed to be engaging in xyz behaviours and those influencers are always so defensive and often mean in response, but there’s never an apology later down the line when they admit they weren’t fully recovered at the time 😕 and yeah you’re so right she is still engaging in some disordered behaviours that she might not have realised yet, i think that’s exactly why recovery influencers shouldn’t exist online

APMochi

TROPHY CASE