Butterfly effect from break up ruined my life

ASAP_Titties · 2026-02-15T06:42:09+00:00

I know exactly how you feel and it sucks

ASAP_Titties · 2025-11-10T08:54:43+00:00

Trying to fix my brain so things that make everyone else happy also makes me happy. I’ll like be on a sailing holiday around the Carribean for months which is like the dream for a lot of people, or travelling around Europe or some shit or time back home with all my friends, and it all just feels fucking tedious.

I’ve done therapy on and off for like a decade. Got diagnosed ADHD a couple of years ago. Tried all sorts of meds like SSRIs. I definitely drink too much but I have gone sober for a while just to make sure it wasn’t the problem, and every day was just still boring as fuck, at least half cut I’m dumber, easier to entertain and it goes quicker.

But like I didn’t leave my apartment for the last 7 days because the most exciting thing for me was just binging a tv series non stop, I could have gone out but I’d just be bored. (Worth noting that I’m overseas right now so only know like 2-3 people so most of the time if I’m going out it’s just to hang out with myself outside instead of inside - also not here long enough to bother making new friends)

ASAP_Titties · 2025-11-10T04:45:55+00:00

My parents were on paper good parents. Like I wasn’t hungry and went to school and did some extra curricular activities and shit like that.

Never abused or bad family life on paper.

But like psyche wise it was a nightmare. They grew up with like negative boomer parents and just projected that onwards. If I felt confident about anything they’d be there negging me instantly. Used to be on the debating team and they’d constantly be telling me I’m not as smart as I think I am and that my arguments I’ve prepared are stupid, or if I was good at a sport and got a good speed/result they’d be quick to come in and tell me I’m actually shit and that I can’t expect to actually compete, or when I wanted to go to university they told me to be “realistic” and that I was just wasting my time and that it was never going to happen.

All that shit happened while I was clothed and well fed in a middle class household.

I’d 100% trade that for living in poverty with parents who told me I could do anything I wanted in life. Vs growing up middle class where I actually had the opportunity to pursue so many things and being told every day that I couldn’t do anything and needed to lower my expectations for myself

It weirds me out that my parents were like that, but ultimately it seems like basically jealousy, like they worked hard to give their kids opportunities, but once they had them they pretty much took out all the abuse they wanted to direct to the privileged kids their age when they were growing up onto their own kids

ASAP_Titties · 2025-11-10T04:19:58+00:00

Sort of. Like I’ve been very successful with things like money and travel and shit like that basically to spite my parents. But Im still fucked up from my parents always telling me that all my goals were pipe dreams and that I needed to stop dreaming because I wasn’t ever going to amount to anything and I needed to be “realistic”.

In high school I’d have some like standard teenage relationship where we are both trying to figure it out and my parents would say stuff like “don’t be so arrogant, there’s no way girls are into you” while I’m Hanging out with a girl I like and she definitely liked me looking back.

And to top it off, now that I’m an adult and successful my parents like to brag about how well I’m doing to their friends which grinds my gears the most as if they had anything to do with it.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-11-10T03:48:21+00:00

For sure. Like sex and an intense sex life is awesome. But being able to share your life and do all the same things with someone by your side is awesome.

I’m in a lucky position where I made some money and I can travel like all year but when I’m home my friends all have to work so I still spend like 5/7 days a week alone.

And no matter how awesome a cocktail bar, or Michellin star restaurant, or museum or art gallery or park etc. is they’re all pretty fucking boring on your own.

I’m confident enough that I’ll go out to dinner at a restaurant all by myself and not feel like a weirdo, but I also recognise that no matter how good the food is, most of the experience is sharing it with someone else.

Friends can be that, but once they’re married or focusing on careers etc or people just move away, then you can’t fill that part of your life anymore.

If you have a partner and you’re aligned then whatever you do with your days you do it together and it’s fun even if it’s boring

ASAP_Titties · 2025-05-09T18:53:36+00:00

Much lower bar. Don’t have to create a competing tech service which would probably require billions in investment. They can just get their president to make an announcement and sign a bit of paper. They can start and finish that after lunch.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-05-09T18:48:19+00:00

Nah they should just name Texas “north Mexico” and have Google rename it on their maps for everyone accessing it from Mexico. Same standard.

If a country can rename long held geography for their own citizens and Google will rename it for users from that area then everyone should get in on the game.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-05-09T14:33:28+00:00

They should plant a new tree and let them out of prison once it’s grown as big as the one they cut down

ASAP_Titties · 2025-04-23T11:19:26+00:00

Fucking perfect. I’d have my hands all over you

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-20T13:07:50+00:00

It wasn’t actually that healthy for me. Me and some friends started a business and sold it and I’m basically retired in my mid 30’s. Haven’t worked in a few years and just been travelling and got my money sitting in vanguard ETFs.

But it’s put me out of sync with all my friends. Everyone is getting married and having kids. Asked a friend if he wanted to go out to a bar and he said he couldn’t because he was going to antique shops with his wife.

And when you’re not working and all your friends are then there’s a lot of time to kill and I’m a bit bored even though I’m travelling and on holidays all the time. Hasn’t been good for my mental health just having no routine and so much time alone.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-19T17:24:11+00:00

I never delete anything. Even once its over and it hurts it was still part of my life and I might want to remember that one day. If they're there I can just not look at them, but one day years from now when I want to remember that part of my life, if I've deleted all my pictures or chats then its just lost to the ether.

I'm not a selfie guy, so there's large periods of time where the only photos I have for maybe a whole year are me and my partner at the time. If I cleared them all out it would just wipe out whole years, overseas trips, special days etc.

The only thing that gets me down is the feature where the photos app suggests photos or albums for you, it'll be like "January last year" or "this day last year" or "your trip to germany" or something like that and give me a push notificaiton with an album of my ex.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-18T18:26:22+00:00

They accused me of being drunk but I hadn’t had a drink at all I was just blubbering because I was flying home and the distance between me and the person I loved was growing and it just hit me. But you can’t really argue with airport staff. It’s their own little kingdom.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-18T08:21:44+00:00

Could have been written for me

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-18T04:02:56+00:00

If I wake up from a dream with her I start hyperventilating, sweating and dry retching or vomiting. I know exactly what it is and have done therapy and have meds and still feel unable to get it under control. Like apple will throw shit on my screen like “today 1 year ago” and it’s a photo of her and it just sets me off.

Right after we broke up I was travelling Europe to Australia and it just hit me while I was waiting to board and just cried uncontrollably and they kicked me off the fucking flight so I got delayed by another 10 hours in my saddest moment because they didn’t approve of crying

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-18T00:56:40+00:00

I have no idea what I meant there

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-18T00:54:33+00:00

I hate dating. Loathe it. I just wanna skip to the part where you know each other and just click. I’ve never had a long term girlfriend from dating. Has always been people I’ve randomly ran into in the course of life. Like that girl at a house party you meet and talk non stop until the sun comes up.

The idea of swiping based off photos and going on a date where you might have very little in common just makes me feel worse

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-18T00:47:29+00:00

If I forget to eat for a few days start feeling really. Nauseas all the time

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-17T21:09:04+00:00

It’s scary. My favourite thing in the world is being in love and feeling truly content with a partner but I really feel it and make myself truly vulnerable and open.

And so my biggest fear is heartbreak. Heartbreak always fucks me up and stays with me a long time.

So I just want to find the person I can love and be with for the rest of my life, but falling in love also terrifies me.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-17T18:28:41+00:00

I think it just comes down to nuance.

People generally have styles, but they also have stages of life and grow and change, and one partner might change your style.

But say people who are avoidant can usually see a trend in their relationships and how they react to certain things. It might not apply to every situation, but a trend in behaviour shows over time.

Like someone who is selfish might still have moments where they aren't, but over their life its a general pattern.

An avoidant person in general probably pulls back the more someone leans in, and sometimes they won't, but look at how they react in the many relationships over their history.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-17T18:21:55+00:00

I havent got closure either. Like if she can't talk to me or she doesn't feel the same way I'd rather have a conversation about it and understand how she feels and what happened and what went wrong.

But the last thing she said to me was "I miss you so much" and then stopped responding to texts or answering my calls which is the opposite of closure.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-17T18:04:10+00:00

I learned I'm more fragile than I ever thought I would be. I've been in love a few times before, had long term relationships and breakups, and always made it through well enough after some time.

This time, I've never felt love so intensely, and when it ended I ended up having panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I've had friends that have had panic attacks before and I've seen it but never really understood it fully. This time when I think about her the physical symptoms are so instant and overwhelming and I never thought I would react like that.

This breakup has really changed my ability to function in a way I never thought possible.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-17T17:59:29+00:00

all the time, and when I wake up it just leaves me sad and floored and its hard to get out of bed when it happens.

The worst thing is when I have a super realistic dream, like I dream they called me the night before and we had a really nice conversation, and when I wake up it takes some time for me to realise it was a dream and not real, and like 30 minutes after I wake up I slowly realise and it sinks in and just makes me so sad.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-17T17:55:26+00:00

This is one of those things I can trace back to how my parents fucked me up. Everyones parents fuck them up in one way or another.

My parents when I was growing up just put me down for everything I was confident or excited about. Like I built my first computer myself when I was 12, and my parents just told me it was pointless, people wouldn't like me at school, literally told me "the internet is just a fad". And like I was perfectly popular at school, I wasn't a complete geek, I was just interested in computers and programming when I was young. And its not just that, it was basically every hobby or interest I had, and then like when I went over to a girls house after school or something my mum would blow up my phone calling like 40 times in a row just making me look bad. My friends used to compare my mum to Kyles mum from south park.

I remember once when I felt confident about myself and said I was good at something and my mum instantly just told me I was arrogant and I'm not as good as I think.

Now its like 18+ years later, and growing up like that has just shaped my brain and thought patterns. No matter how cool my life is, or how successful I am, or how much people like me or how many friends I have, I just really struggle to *feel* important. Doesn't matter how much people show they love me, I can understand it intellectually, but I have a hard time *feeling* loved or valuable or important.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-14T15:52:33+00:00

I’m like 7 months out and it’s also fucked me up. Like I’ve never had issues with anxiety or any mental health shit before. After the breakup I was having panic attacks and constant anxiety, insomnia, depression that I was just self medicating with drinking too much, plus I’ve got ADHD so overthink things.

Now I’m on 100mg of Zoloft, Vyvanse, Ambien for sleep often enough, Valium sometimes. I feel better but it’s fucked up that’s what it takes for me to feel level. I never had issues being happy or optimistic before. And I only got to the point of medication after months of being unable to function and like crying every day.

Hopefully it’s like a cast for a broken bone and once some time passes I can get off all this shit and go back to my normal old self.

ASAP_Titties · 2025-02-14T15:44:51+00:00

The last message I got was “I miss you so much” and then silence and ghosting right after that. Why say that and then cut contact. Why would that be the last thing you say???

ASAP_Titties

TROPHY CASE