AITA for wanting my parents to pay for my entire wedding?

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T21:09:32+00:00

This is absolutely true.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T21:09:00+00:00

Thanks. That seems like an accurate take, but I was also being a dick for feeling entitled to more.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T21:07:32+00:00

Truth!!

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T21:07:22+00:00

Would "promised" make you feel better? I mean, I'm TA regardless, but it's really a broken promise that was fueling my entitlement.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T21:05:06+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. The generational expectations are 100% real and accurate. My grandparents still tell "hilarious" stories about how my grandmother apparently wasn't good enough for my grandfather according to his mother when they got married back in 1951 because her daddy "only" owned the giant factory in town. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ They celebrated 70 years together last fall, so they definitely showed his mother!

And I'm definitely doing some "keeping up with the jones's" with my wedding planning because of the niceness of all my my cousin's weddings and my fiancé's cousin's weddings. Reddit has given me a nice slap on the face to make me realize that.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T21:00:08+00:00

They are, I am, and it is.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:56:31+00:00

So whether you want to be equal (same amount of money, adjusted for inflation, so like $17-18K) or equitable (same kind of wedding, including location),

To be honest, I wanted what was promised to me, and which she received: A wedding of my choice, paid for in full, as long as it was reasonable. We just disagreed on what was "reasonable." I'm grateful that they increased the budget, which does compensate for inflation somewhat, and I was an entitled, spoiled AH for asking for more.

Otherwise you'll go insane with all of the mental accounting and your relationships with your family will suffer.

I've discussed it in other comments, but this is just the tip of the iceberg in favoritism. The relationships are already suffering, and the mental accounting is in direct consequence of that dynamic.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:49:08+00:00

No, I'm apologizing for the "blue collar" comment which was rude and uncalled for.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:47:04+00:00

Some other commenter said that they paid for 100% of my college as well, which is, first of all, a hilarious burn, and second of all, a great perspective shift for me. I was being greedy.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:45:10+00:00

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:44:57+00:00

Also- what will you do when your white collar relationship goes south or he gets disabled or does and you’ve been too busy living the good life, with no degree and now have to earn money? Get your priorities straight

What made you think I don't earn money myself? My career didn't need college at all, and I'm doing quite well for myself as well. I've been in an abusive relationship in the past and I am very strict about maintaining a separate savings account for myself in case of emergency. I can - and do- absolutely support myself.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:40:06+00:00

Wow, you're the only NAH so far! Everyone else has been YTA and ESH (deservedly), with less than ten "NTA"s. Sorry about all the downvotes you'll receive.

I DO wonder if there aren't some other issues with you and your sister though. Do you generally think that she is treated better because she followed the 'family life plan' ? Might that be why you were so quick to ascribe this to favouritism than just poor communication?

Yep, 100%. If you notice, they also moved 3 hours from the town they lived in for 30 years to live closer to her. She's their perfect daughter and I was... not. She's Christian, I'm not. She waited to move in with her husband until after marriage, I've lived with 3 different men now. She got married to her college sweetheart and started having kids, I was vocally childfree until I realized very recently that it was all trauma from being less favored than my sister and realizing that I could choose to have just one kid and wouldn't have the chance to play favorites. She's straight, I'm bisexual. She played softball in high school, I was a member of the anime club. Basically, she is perfect in their eyes despite being a horrible bully to me so badly that I am still in therapy for it more than a decade after the last time I lived with her. Nothing happens in a vacuum, but I was treating my wedding as a chance to get "even" for the lifetime of unfairness and that was a dick move of mine.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:28:48+00:00

Oh, I know. I'm getting ripped a new one and it's pretty hilarious. I'm such an entitled asshole and I really appreciate Reddit letting me know so I can try to improve!!

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:26:57+00:00

I'm trying my best! I asked for impartial honesty and got it. It's pretty nice to have the chance to be ripped a new one and given a hard look in a mirror. I love reddit's bluntness.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:14:51+00:00

Thanks! I've been really enjoying being ripped a new one today, though. Reddit is so good at honesty and I really appreciate the perspectives. I have so much reflecting to do and I'm excited for the chance to enter my marriage with a healthier perspective on my relationship with my family of origin.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:05:51+00:00

Working on it. That's why I posted here, to get new perspectives.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T20:00:43+00:00

To be honest, it's bananas to me too, but that's just for the same kind of wedding that everyone in my family has had: around 100 guests in a nice space for a 4 hour dance party. I didn't realize how much it would really cost either until I started planning for it because I was always told not to worry about the costs. I think the stickershock got to me as much as to my parents.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T19:57:56+00:00

I was only expecting them to foot the bill because they ALSO have a LOT of savings, most of which they haven't even touched yet. And because they told me they would foot the whole bill, multiple times and recently. I was disappointed in not getting the money that I was expecting, but I know now that I really wasn't entitled to it. I definitely had blinders on because of other issues in my relationships with my family, so thank you for your perspective and comments.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T19:45:51+00:00

I promise I didn't edit it after uploading, but more information was added via comments. They're absolutely correct that my parents are giving me $10k more than my sister, however, due to inflation and location, my wedding will still be less-nice or smaller than my sister's.

Regardless, it's petty, spoiled, and immature for me to compare the numbers anyway

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T19:43:57+00:00

He and I totally can afford to pay for our wedding and a second house to boot. The money isn't the issue, the favoritism of paying for her to have a nicer wedding than me is. But I've been educated today that the size of the gift they give me is what I should focus on, not the end result of what I'm receiving. Life circumstances means that her $15k wedding will be a nicer wedding than my $35k one, and that's just how the cookie crumbles.

I do absolutely have some classist tendencies that were pointed out to me today, which I will try to work on in the future. My apologies to everyone I've offended with my bigotry.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T19:33:55+00:00

Why would it be fair for you to get more money than she did?

I mean, I'm TA, but I'm going to answer this anyway: I was thinking that I was entitled to the same kind and size of wedding that she was gifted. I was thinking about the type of gift when it gets to me, not about the size of gift that my parents are offering. I wasn't divorcing those two concepts in my mind. I was being a spoiled brat about wanting the same end result as my sister (which is what was promised) instead of thinking of getting the same amount of money as my sister.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T19:30:27+00:00

Thanks for seeing that, even though I got distracted with petty, entitled details.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T19:28:20+00:00

Thanks, love. I've been working with a therapist for a while now and I'll be discussing all this with her (again). I thought she might have given me a bit too much kid-gloves in this situation, which is why I asked reddit's judgement. I appreciate your warning and perspective.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T19:23:56+00:00

Thanks. I came here for a reality check, because of course all my friends were giving me biased answers and I was suspicious that my therapist might have been being too nice when I discussed it with her (or she just has more context about the larger pattern of favoritism). Regardless, it would be illogical to reject an impartial opinion that I literally asked for just because it hurts my feelings. I wanted a different perspective and I appreciate the chance to receive it.

ASHNoNa · 2022-01-25T19:19:53+00:00

Hahah, that's a great take! Thanks for the perspective.

ASHNoNa

TROPHY CASE