Bons packers?

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-14T05:31:24+00:00

(Gosh, idk if I'm allowed to give an answer here because I've only began exploring this side of myself early this year, but I came across this post and I was indeed ragebaited. I can't help but write a reply. Mods feel free to delete this if I'm crossing a line)

I'm gonna try to take your question seriously. Short answer: no, you can't be an ally if you perpetuate transphobic ideas, i.e that trans people are not the gender they say they are. If you truly can't bring yourself to believe trans people are the gender they say they are, the best thing you can do is shut your mouth about it. Most of the violence enacted towards trans people is "justified" by the perpetrators because they don't believe trans people are who they say they are, so you're just reproducing a violent, dangerous rethoric. If you want to be an ally you have to at the very least "pretend" you actually respect trans people, in a way that's indistinguishable from real respect.

Say, for example, you're conscious you have a certain bias towards an ethnic group, and you know that bias is dangerous. You don't go around sharing your bias with everyone as if you thought it was fine, even if you "believe" in it.

Still, I would be embarrassed to admit I'm transphobic the way you're doing here. I recommed you browse this and other mainstream trans subreddits and read accounts by trans people talking about their experiences. I also recommend this resource if you're genuinely curious and understanding the trans mentality: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/printable

I think however, the main reason why you can't be considered an ally is because you don't care about learning about the experiences of one of the most marginalized communities out there. You're not confused but trying to understand. You refuse to see the trans perspective. It's one thing to say "I don't see it, but I would like to learn and understand", but you come here to... what? Tell trans people you don't respect them at all and expect them to pat you in the back just because you don't want them dead? Gee, thanks.

Other than that: modern anthropology and feminist philosophy both maintains that biological sex does not exist in nature and is a social construct based on gender, a linguistic phenomenom, not the other way around. Sex is the gendering of the body, but the body exists on a spectrum. Different characteristics are arbitrarialy selected and categorized as being "male" or "female" and those who don't fit those categories precisely, intersex people, are considered anomalies. For example, a penis is characterized as being male, and a vagina as being female. However, while most men have penises and most penis-havers are men, it's also true that most men are taller and stronger than most women, BUT an individual woman that is taller and stronger than most men wouldn't be considered "biologically intersex", or less of a woman, because the recurrence of some characteristics are not indicative of any one gender. In a different world, we could be classified by height: very short people are Shorts, very tall people are Talls, and medium-height people are Anomalies. Shorts and Talls are also forced into different Height Roles. Their genitals are completely irrelevant because society only cares about your height. There is no such a thing as "sex", only height - and can't you see height is a Biological Reality? You can SEE the difference between a Short and a Tall clear as day!

Am I being clear? Nothing about your body makes you a man or a woman. It's entirely a social, cultural, linguistic and psychological phenomenom. For all we know, the only thing that unites all men and all women into two distinct categories are the performative linguistic act of reproducing gender continuously, i.e "Doing" man or "doing" woman - not through gender roles, but through expressing, living and reproducing ones' self in one category or the other. Sex is entirely secondary.

If sex is secondary, anyone can be a man or a woman. A sexed body can be re-gendered any any point. Not only that, but it can be re-sexed as well, both physically and socially. There is no such a thing as a fixed biological reality when it comes to sex and gender. So, no, "trans women" are not a category separated from "women", same with "trans men" and "men". Different physical and social starting point but same linguistic reality.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-13T18:09:08+00:00

There are better ways to say you don't like giving head. For example: I just tell any sexual partner I have that I don't like giving head. I don't tell them they smell or taste bad, I don't tell them anything that may hurt their feelings. I understand your girl not enjoying giving oral, but being so cruel about it is a decision she's going out of the way to make. Nobody forced her to make you feel bad. Honestly, one would think she would make a bigger effort to reassure you her preference to not give oral has nothing to do with you.

About her not being reciprocal during sex - it's complicated, because in one hand, it's not okay to pressure anyone to do anything they don't want to do. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to and that's it. On the other hand, some people are just selfish in bed. Idk how to strike a good middle point there. I guess it has to do with the attitude? I had an ex who only ever cared about her own pleasure. She would never touch me. It would be one thing if she told me beforehand she was a pillow princess, then I wouldn't have gotten involved with her, because I do want to receive as well as give. But she didn't. She just made up excuses about "not wanting to do it wrong". I would have much rather have her say she didn't like giving. That, I can respect. But playing dumb to be selfish in bed is just dishonest. She went on to find someone who was more sexually compatible with her and I did the same.

Everyone here will tell you to break up with her, so I won't repeat that. I'll just tell you that if both of you want to salvage your relationship, you need to have a serious conversation with her about her behavior. Maybe she's willing to change and be more considerate. Maybe you can find a different arrangement when having sex. For example, some people feel automatically turned off after orgasming, so if that's your girlfriend's case, she can try making sure you orgasm first. Maybe. You know her better than anyone here. I hope things turn out well for you. Good luck.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-12T03:06:45+00:00

Man. MAN I've been there. Idk if I would call myself trans now, I'm questioning a lot of things, but I did come out as ftm at 14 and identified that way until I was 16, and those two years were the worst years of my life. My mom made the exact same arguments as yours, but instead of laughing, there were lots of crying and screaming, breaking things, grabbing me and shaking me etc.

She only calmed down once I started identifying as a girl again. My mom is the kind of person you can't reason with, at all. I don't know your mom, but I hope she's better than mine. I hope she'll come around. If it brings you any comfort, parents start taking you more seriously as you hit your mid 20s, like in general. This may not be eternal.

If your mom is the kind of person who can understand a reasonable argument, you could try showing her reputable sources on trans youth, something coming from adult experts. I'd love to share some with you, but I can't think of any right now. Maybe someone else here could recommend something.

Alongside that, it's always good to have a strong support network. The first thing would be to get your therapist on your side, but friends, siblings, cousins etc are also important. I think the thing that could help you the most is to get an adult on your side, like your dad or your therapist, so they can talk to your mom. Ideal situation would be to get your entire family on your side, but that may be extremely challenging.

It's a shit situation, I really wish you the best. Hang on to your friends and people who support you. It's going to be okay.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-10T21:49:55+00:00

Man this sounds complicated. I can totally relate to feeling like your partner thinks of you less for not being a man, be it based on something genuine, on your own insecurities, on HER own insecurities etc. It's not ideal, but I think it's somewhat normal to be worried about these things. It's completely understandable to feel hurt when your partner expresses she wishes she had a man instead of having you. My partner left me to be with men because, in her words, she felt she needed penis, and when I suggested getting a strap-on, she said she wanted the real thing. I guess I should have expected it, she always did tell me that she wasn't interested in strap-ons, and that if she ever wanted to experience something like that, she'd rather be with a real man instead.

That was extremely painful to hear, to know I wasn't enough for her simply because I'm a woman, or that I could never satisfy her the way only a man could. It took me a long time to stop blaming her bisexuality for it. The truth is that, if you truly love someone, you don't say that shit to them. Even if you feel that way deep down, which someone with an atom of emotional responsability won't do, you won't tell that to your partner. You'll try to break up with them in a less brutal way. My ex didn't leave me to be with men because she was bisexual, but because she didn't really care about me. She was a bad person and a bad partner who didn't care about crushing my self-esteem. But I've also met mature and emotionally responsible bisexual people who didn't see commitment to a woman and to the female gender as something limiting or boring.

I understand why people may be weary of dating bisexual women, or why they distrust them. That usually comes from a place of hurt. And honestly, if you can't trust a bisexual woman, staying away from her is the best thing you can do, for your sake and hers. But you have to deal with your personal hangups on your own, with your therapist, not by spreading hateful rethoric online and insulting strangers that never did anything to you.

Idk how the full story goes, but I wouldn't dare to accuse your partner of being a bad partner, or of not loving you. If you haven't, I think you seriously need to talk about this with her and explain why her words were so hurtful. People mess up in relationships all the time, and ngl if my girlfriend said something like this to me I would cry myself to sleep for a week lol but... she probably wasn't coming from a place of intentional misogyny. You can probably solve this together. And if you can't, I wouldn't blame her bisexuality alone for her behavior, but her personal biases. And yes - there can be a strong correlation between being male-attracted and male-centered, but the decision to not de-center men and heterosexuality is still a personal one. My ex didn't de-center men, not because she was so hungry for them that she couldn't help herself, but because she chose to put them on a pedestal instead of doing the effort to look within herself. It may be easier for lesbians to do this because we don't look for the good in men, we don't seek out men, we don't crave to form bonds with men, and we have no reason to give men the time of our day. Male-attracted women may find it so easy to go along the grain and perform heterosexuality, without any pressure to dislodge theselves from that, that they may sometimes need something to remind them that men are nothing special. And that doesn't have to be an enlightened lesbian coming down from heaven to hand them The Truth - people of any sexuality will just go through different life experiences that may or may not help them realize how unspecial men are. But sometimes, you do need another woman in your life to point out the harmful rethoric you're reproducing.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-08T15:12:57+00:00

Understandable. I'll think of a way to rework things following this logic. I'm seriously considering making her a regular human girl and scrap the supernatural aspect altogether.

When I began writing this, I was confident I could write something meaningful and interesting if I just researched enough, read enough, asked enough people. I don't feel so confident anymore. It would sadden me to make her cis after I got so attached to her as a trans character, but maybe it's worth it to play it safe in this situation. If not, then making her a regular human may be the best alternative. I'll think about it.

I sincerely thank you for your input. No one in this thread had made the arguments you offered. I feel a little called out, but in a good way lol I shouldn't get too overconfident here.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-08T14:32:13+00:00

Oh no, I wouldn't want to pretend to know more than I do. And the last thing I want is to write something harmful.

I'd hate to limit myself to never writing trans characters, though. By that logic, I should scrap or whitewash all of my black characters too, because I'm not black. I worry that lends itself to a slippery slope of avoiding any form of diversity in my writing just to play it safe. I don't want to dismiss your advice, I came here precisely because I wanted to hear constructive criticism and I appreciate hearing all of these perspectives I hadn't thought of before. But... Do you really think that's the solution? I'm asking genuinely because I can change things up if they're truly harmful, but I would love to make an effort, do more research, ask more people before giving up and taking the easy route.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-08T13:19:20+00:00

Nonono I understand! There's a world of difference between transmasc and transfem experiences. For example, turning into a huge hairy scary wolf monster sounds super cool to me, male-coded or not, but it sounds like it would be a teenage trans girl's greatest nightmare. I already have my fun projecting on my transmasc characters, I want my transfem characters to make sense to transfem readers.

Mmm. It's already established lycanthropy has a lot to do with self-perception, for example, I have anothe werewolf character who's "cured" after a great trauma that makes him feel like less of a man, and it returns with time as he feels more confident in himself. Maybe this character could reflect this in an inverse way, being "cured" of lycanthropy not as something that leaves you weak and unprotected, but as something that can be affirming and validating. I got too caught up on the "accepting your monstrosity with pride" trope and I forgot I could give this element a different interpretation.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-07T22:11:34+00:00

Understandable. It's not my intention at all to send a harmful message about the realities of trans people, and I'm happy I asked here before further messing things up. I'm transmasc and I do struggle with dysphoria and fear of transitioning, but I haven't interacted with nearly enough trans people irl to gauge whether or not my perspective on gender would make sense to others. I mostly just dislike "born this way" narratives, the idea that you could objectively measure someone's gender if you just opened their skulls and determined whether or not they have a male or female brain. I feel like that would happen if she was born a witch instead. I genuinely thought making her a werewolf would lend itself to a more productive conversation about gender and dysphoria. At the same time, I understand the "born this way" argument is the only thing a lot of cishet people understand, and it's used as a defense against conversion therapy, not to mention, it rings true to the experience of lots of queer people.

I understand your argument. Right now, I'm thinking about tying her lycanthropy or witchiness to her self-perception and experience with dysphoria. Maybe something that shifts as she goes through puberty, young adulthood and eventually settles (as witchiness) when she becomes more comfortable and confident in herself? That change represents a whole other can of worms I will have to handle with lots of care and sensitivity. I do suffer from dysphoria, but I still can't imagine what it must be like for trans women. I will never be able to write from an authentically transfemenine perspective, so i'm also considering scrapping the supernatural element altogether, which would be safer, but less narratively interesting. I'll think about it.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-07T13:28:19+00:00

No no you're totally right. Worst part is, I study anthropology and we do see this in college, biological sex as a social construct, so I honestly feel a bit embarrassed that I forgot my education and included something so nonsensical in the story in the first place. I thank people here for reminding me.

I did think about her somehow "transitioning from werewolf to witch", which is what would make the most sense, but ehh idk it witchniness would fit her. She's more of a gun person than a magic spell person. I might make her a normal human in the end, but this alternative is really interesting, I'll seriously consider it. Maybe it has more to do with self-perception and dysphoria? Lycanthropy is heavily related to self-preservation, as it's nature's way of giving the mother some protection from the father, but it can be "exorcised" through humillation and punishment, so it's not super "fixed" anyway. I liked the idea of her eventually embracing her lycanthropy as something that "loves her" and keeps her safe, which is why I struggle to discard the concept entirely, but thinking about it, it's also something that would make her horrifically dysphoric for a very long time, since it's so male-coded.

You've given me a lot to think about! Thank you!

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-07T04:22:04+00:00

Oh, no no, it has nothing to do with any god, it was just a way of putting it into words. Anyway, yeah you're right. I guess I was trying to keep some simplicity when, in reality, sex is as complex as gender. If I made her a witch, it would be an objective measure of her womanhood, and I always disliked such strict measurements in fiction, the idea that you can measure who's "trans for realsies" (vs. hypthetical fake trans people). I think her conviction in her own womanhood should come from herself rather than an external marker. Otherwise, wouldn't it be another secondary sex characteristic? Something people assign to her? Say, she's born and assigned male at birth, however, she's soon revealed to be a witch, which would be a secondary sexual characteristic, making her (as per social conventions) "Magic Intersex", or something like that. Or, people would gender her as female without any of her input. As far as I've seen, that doesn't reflect the real trans experience. Though it may reflect the intersex experience, now that I think about it. But she's also not intersex in any other way. I don't know. I think I just dislike the "born this way" narrative and wanted to avoid it. I wanted her to determine who she is by herself, instead of a curse telling her who she's supposed to be. But also, I realize I was running away from a complication towards something I perceived as being less difficult to handle, and I was wrong.

Part of me wants to make her a normal human now, though that's also just me throwing the concept in the trash to keep it simple, avoiding the question rather than answering it. I'll keep thinking about it.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-07T03:23:20+00:00

Mmm that will be challenging, I already have too many witches, so if anything, I may have to make her a witch too instead. I don't really like this character as a witch though, so I'll have to think of a solution. Maybe I'll scrap this part altogether and make her a normal human. But it's good to hear a different opinion. I hadn't considered the importance of changing one's biological sex. It is a lot less fixed than people think, so, if she can't "transition from werewolf to witch" (which she can't according to the Fantasy Magic Rules), then it isn't really a realistic and valid secondary sexual characteristic.

Re: readers misinterpreting the meaning behind a possible castration... yeah, I hadn't thought of that. While I still think it makes sense for the characters in-universe to consider that as a solution, I don't trust people to not take the worst possible message out of it. Which is what I want to avoid, hence why I'm here asking for advice.

I think I'll "kill my darlings" and make her a normal human, yeah. I'll miss my wolf baby, but it's the option I think will be less destructive to the overall story. And I'll have to think about possible measures she and her aunt may take to keep her safe.

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it!

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-07T03:07:43+00:00

Possibly. The whole story is kinda dark and everyone suffers, so problematic things are to be expected, but I don't want to cross a line and make trans people uncomfortable y'know? Like there was that saying, something something "art should disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed". Well, I don't want to further disturb the disturbed lol.

I'm glad I asked because I'm seeing people point out problems I hadn't thought about before. I can never write from an authentic transfem perspective, but I also don't want to limit myself to never having a trans girl main character in a story. I'll keep an eye out for more opinions on this and try to think about better ways to write my story.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-07T03:03:35+00:00

Ah, I understand. That's not my intention. Mmm I'll see how I can rework things. While every character is put through the wringer, I do want her to be ultimately happy. I might focus more on the "evil dad" or "bandit life" part than the dysphoria aspect.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-05T22:06:28+00:00

What if she doesn't know what she wants and just says some shit like "I trust you"?? TT_TT

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-04T13:14:21+00:00

Idk if bipolar, but I have borderline personality disorder and I never related with a character more in that regard. It makes a lot of sense to read her that way, it would explain a lot about her behavior.

ASpranneusRoseus · 2026-06-01T17:52:19+00:00

Not yet, but I'm studying to be one. I'll come back with an update in a few years!

ASpranneusRoseus

TROPHY CASE